Its been a hard road for too long yet I still can’t figure a way forward my words hurt brutally those I love, yet if I have to be honest little things around me HURT like hell and explode in anger.Its true I internalize things differently and of late it’s been said to me many times but then it’s not my fault I was literally reconstructed, torn apart, jumped on till I was no longer me at an early age and then miraculously expected to be a grown-up because this body did exactly that …BUT THIS MIND WAS YET TO TELL ANOTHER STORY.
This weekend has been hell yet iv been carried through, I tried all my strategies one was music somehow this song played
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again
But when I’m all alone, they show up on their own
‘Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire
Inner demons don’t play by the rules
They say “Just push them down, just fight them harder
Why would you give up on it so soon?”
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels please, hear my prayer
Life is pain, life’s not fair
So angels please, please stay here
Take the pain, take the fear
But when I turn away
The demons seem to stay
‘Cause inner demons don’t play well with angels
As I continue my journey I’ll reveal more of the process so since seeing Anthony the Psychiatrist and jeanique they both wanted me to return to Heidi sooner for more relief with an anxiety problem.
Immediately got an appointment for the next day, were Heidi put me on Ars after receiving my first dose at her clinic I felt no different [one thing at this early point i need to reveal she had forgotten to tell me was Ars not always brings all your symptoms out before getting better-at this point had no clue] So off I left with one little packet of ARS for the next three days….by 12 that afternoon I had a headache by 5 pm I had my second dose by 8 pm I was shaking, vomiting,blood pressure had risen horribly ,stiff jaw, pounding heart and yet anxiety was not quite as heightened as usual “this is worth mentioning as I usual freek out by now.By 8 pm I had rang on call to get cover for me there was no wayI i could work. Friday night I had no sleep as I weathered my storm and rode the waves I was now at my wit’s end….Saturday morning early I text this poor woman Heidi explaining what has happened immediately she told me to stop as it had aggravated the symptoms -[yet this once again can only happen if the remedy was well selected and then things should settle 1-2 days ]mmm at this point this never sat well with me and I just wanted this remedy stuff out my body. Its worth it to mention my emotional state had unwound in a flood of tears] BY 1 PM Saturday I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP AND WOKEN AT 3 PM FEELING BETTER. Saturday night I slept like a baby Sunday exhausted sore chest and body muscles…..still I took care even though I went to work took things slowly gently, mindfully the noticeable part was my concentration to me it was far more alert than usual.
Monday Heidi made no contact, Tuesday no contact, Wednesday our younger boy went to her with his chronic sinus disease and as he began filling in the paperwork she asked how I was feeling….Honestly, i was angry before this visit however strangely I feel good different the noticeable part was I was less anxious she noted I noticed the concentration..then I asked about what had happened..Heidi describes it as it has to get worse another word the remedy brings it out before it can better.
I’ve continued without ARS now but Heidi mentions she will use it again in near future …And at present I’m managing great in some parts havent healed complety its a journey.
It’s Friday night my younger child arrives hone from his 2 nd day@ work. Its 2:40pm Ikiss him and leave Myself for night shift with Brief conversation his tired his staying have. At 5:34 pm he text My husband saying he was helping afriend Josh Weld some Brackets My husband says what time you home10pm Or just Before-
Iarrive home @11:23 andto my amazement his Bed is empty, My older son calles me IMake coffee We llat I mention his Brothers Not home the says were he? Isay not sure dad has Been up the entire of Last night with work so I’ll Wait few minutes finish talking with you and hopefully he’ll Be have- Mom fi nahum his only 16 yes I will Boet\
At11:50 NO Nik walk into our Room wake My husband asking were Nik is he says@ Josh Welding realizing I’m home and- it’s well after10pm he jumps up gets dressed and we go there-
PARENTS worst NIGHT MARE-
- Found our child Bike laying in apaking lot , hearts racing We scrambled looking i n between factories No_One around
- Banged on Work shop door& house NO Reply
- Drove Town No child
- Stop @ police station No Child
- It’s1 am Back to his hoUse No Body there We Bang call, shout – hoot No Answer
- 2 am police are looking for him This is Not his Character his quite homely and doesn’t do drugs drinks@ home
- every har we there looking Back home No Nik @3 a m we Ring hospitals ifhe was Brought IN/ No Nik
- we home again we bought pies we eat/ out again Back Looking
- Its 5 am no nik
- It’s 6am no nik
- I doze and@ 6-45 I hear noise I shout Brion? No Reply- NIK Im Running stumbling
- By our front door nik is on his knees full of Blood and What’s that smell? his crying he was attacked I help him
I’m utterly exhausted drained it’s now 3.24 am and iv been awake since 11pm
Briefly fell asleep at around 7 thereafter awake about 9.30 crying
I’m hanging in my mood has come back up but I’m not sure how long it will last.
Jeanique rang last night I tried explained I’m not sure it’s over…she mentioned that I said she was like my family, I apologized she’s aware something wrong ,I was told to take clonozepam do I know were it is..ya but I had one left!
Right now I wish she was here
It’s literally little longer now than 24 hours since my screaming teenager self started to protest she started talking so loud angrily at my younger self I remember it all.
I’m exhausted with no sleep she refused me.. and I’m only starting to be in control at 1pm in the afternoon
All I can say is it’s incredibly draining listening to the babbling on on on😣SCREAMING FOR ME TO STOP
Therapy revolved a short 10min
R U OK ?
IM FINE ..
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING CLEANING MORE AT HOME ..NO
WILL YOU RETURN TO WORK ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.. YES
Mmm IS THAT BRIGHT IDEA
Look women I don’t know I’m not Jesus, is it bright?. .I’m going
Are you angry or maybe not?? !!!
FUCK OFF WITH QUESTIONS OK U MY FAMILY MY PARENTS SUDDENLY CARE..
well guess what I don’t give a fuck for people no more..it happened to me ok !!
I read your notes again Can we talk about the different parts of you or personalities. .Maybe
Tears start to come I push them away fuck you all I’m over trying like I’m been judged …the pain feels unbearable and I’m not about to explain more …
Ok please don’t leave. .im fucking off and not returning ,text me …I SLAMMED THE DOOR! 😠😢
Breathe😧 I’m telling myself I wanna return hit her cry but can bearly get out fast enough👣 …she hurts she angry, fucked off, she alone once more It feels so familiar!
This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!
My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.
Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!
I DESERVE TO HURT
Moving can be stressful but I must say from all the moves iv done in my life this one has come at a great time …
The distraction is so much needed from my thoughts and feelings that iv thought would break me ,but instead even feeling sick I’m appreciative to it!
Hubby has left me today sorting the house well him and my son go on moving and that’s been good, listening to music and placing things in new spots has been therapeutic. .👍
im back at the house alone and im triggered hiding behind a couch trying to decide were boxs should go while noises surround me…im sick to the bone its fight or flight and im trying hard to contain it”fighting”
Month of may is hard it’s the anniversary of my abuse on my birthday, but the month leading up to it also the day we went to court and I moved into a children’s home 2 days before I was 16!
Taking care carefully and selecting my chores or day job is hard …I’m now in therapy weekly as we go gently through the motions 😥 I’m feeling heaps and learning slowly to trust Becs ,there times im little skeptical of her like something gonna happen until there’s some reassurance more so when im alone I’ll read her txt “She not leaving me” and I settle again .
In therapy we talking about the feelings that plague me and her continuous gentle questions about then leaves me now showing pieces of emotions of this fearful little girl that comes and goes ,this week in therapy I was crying without tears making noise that came from within they reminded me of that little girl hiding behind the couch surpressing my crying but making noise that oddly came up !
Becs keeps reminding me I’m now stronger I’m no longer her that age but she says it gently. ..today her txt reminded me once again I’m going no were im hear still😭
Purely exhausted and sick with gastro and moving I need comfort!
Anxiety my close friend I thought iv known how u effect me but on a regular basis you amaze me to show me up …
In straight I hate you!
Joy turns into pounding floating brain
Love i disassociate from
We moving and instead of happiness I have bad chest pain…
it ticks all our boxes rural but public transport available
Bigger living area
closed back yard not to big but just great for our hunter way
Shopping centers and libraries
All of the above we don’t have in this lovely town we currently stay
I’m temp teaching and tomorrow orientation at another organization for temp work all added stress!
My therapist txt saying Thursday at 11 we can meet I’m exstatic😆 her been away last week left feelings of been abandon and I wanted to cry hearing her say I’m back i haven’t left you and won’t ok…does that cause more anxiety hell ya but instead I know it shouldn’t!
All is causing pain
I’m trying hard to step things up take new steps in keeping busy when not working i haven’t engaged in them yet but I’m thinking more of taking them up👍
The down side my moods are irractic I’m irrational and relationships are hard and fragile in my life “IT HURTS ” we say hard horrible stuff to each other flying to opposite rooms screaming and back and forth,him pushing me to go to work full time but I can’t manage it “JUST MORE STRESS I wish I could though run till the end.. obviously i don’t mean to swap and change but I do, I keep trying hard to catch it early but I’m missing the signs far to quickly. ..I manage work briefly and explode in server anxiety as i hit the car.. my quitiapine is working briefly but I don’t wanna talk about a increase in that too ,iv just had an increase in eppilum and this is hard iv battled bad headaches and now sleep I’m awake from 3 am wide awake 😧this weekend I’m sleeping early afternoon for two hours.
Tomorrow I’m back to work, wondering how I will manage 😵
At the back of my head or maybe the middle near front I’m aware anniversary day is looming closer😭
Things change so radically for me and this week iv decided im gonna take more things into my hands hopefully for a better outcome….iv been adding extra med to sleep this is helping some mornings on a high meaning at lunch im crashing or little latter aggravation emerges and then the usual numb brain,fretting to find words etc other times im great i love those day!
This week im off to my GP as my psych will only see me every two months bummer,as i need him now this weekend prevails agony
Its been a while since posting any happenings in my world its just like agitation turns into anxiety, its the same with trying to write it down all the other pieces happening confuse my poor brain more that I want to run rather!
Some will remember a few weeks ago I met with a detective who was going to talk me through my process of wanting to bring my case to trial or maybe im not even that far but expose my abusers ,this was massive for me as iv lived this journey of sexual abuse for most my life alone until I began therapy here in NZ and told my story my family now know ,however nothing changes in terms of its me that suffers and he continues to post his wonderful life all over social media ..there’s too the problem I sit with that there is in total 7 abusers “BREATH” -The process in short would start by them investigating me ,as years have past and they would need to back track who all new me and what type of child I was and the family dynamics of that….Im instantly filled to high heights of anxiety “why me ?why the need to be every thing related to me before investigating him —ya I get people lie ,tell stories etc. but really i suffer with mental illness now because of the trauma they inflicted. I sit with BPD ,PTSD,Type two bipolar and life continues up and down painfully. So well I decide were to with starting any legal stuff im just sitting with it as im unable to make a clear decision. There has been other positive stuff happening, in the midst hubby and our younger son joined supporting families with mental illness, it was good having him alongside me and my son on the other side they participated laughed with all however I spoke of our son the older one and I was filled with fear of hearing how hard it was for my family and was clearly glad they went along too…however when we left hubby voiced he was disappointed that I brought our older sons illness into it ,why not my own challenges ? I agreed but kept my fear of how fearful I was hearing them talk about me! The weekend that followed was huge my children have never known about the abuse I endured for years and how my family did nothing ,in saying this its never been about my family doing nothing but more protecting my children “somehow crazily” so I sat my youngest down as he saw me read a text from my dad and cry ,his incredibly sensitive ,caring kid asking what’s up I said grandpa wants me to come to South Africa for his 70th birthday …he saying go mom and im sobbing ,I cant why not? And I tell him that years ago I was sexually abused by a cousin who is grandpas sister and they will be there at his party ..ahh he says iv wondered for years what was wrong but now I understand mom. It went without saying not to tell his older brother yet as he hasn’t been well either and processing for him would be incredibly difficult but I intend to do so in good time!
Each day im struggling worse ,I saw my psych a few weeks back and they were both saying how important it is that DBT begins soon for me the waiting list 6months + and iv already been waiting 9 months ..I battle continuously hourly up /down with my moods and changing between personalities that drive me insane by the time I catch myself iv caused mayhem with who ever I was talking too or worse off I don’t notice anything wrong “crap” ,i definitely don’t have different people living in me but I certainly do fluctuate radically! Iv had a counsellor for a while since last year but nothing was definite in times or days and then this year I went down hill with mom and my stuff I ended up in respite with her help …Becs text often checking on me how thing were going etc but the gap was so big someone else ended up getting a permanent appointment and all she could do was fit me in n cancellation About a week ago maybe little more I started playing with my meds sleep was as usual hectic violent night mares left me screaming gasping for air so ,yet alone around 2.30pm I start having panic attack shaking so add my clonazepam only halve of 0.5mg then at bed I shower first take usual night meds and add zoplecone by this time im ready to be knocked out I remember nothing ..my determination to remember nothing is causing relationship problems as I want to take it as soon as hubbys home ,meaning its barely 7ish and im well and truly ready to surrender the pain ,shaking, heart palpitations and muscle spasms to the meds for sleep…im trying to push it some nights to 8 ..in waking the next day alone as hubby and my son leave early im like an energised bunny or maybe ADHD ?so I saw Becs last week and was very hyper ,we had decided we would begin work on my past for only 15,20min a session so there fore allowing time to check I was grounded and ok..we laughed and she really checked in I was ok to start when she asked something triggering I guess or maybe not F*** I was gone floating in out but dissociated completely we very briefly really very little spoke about what season it happened, I told of the game he made us play ,me alone there after it was raining ……I then began to laugh hysterically she asked what’s up ?funny I thought I was In trouble with you now for telling ! Bec answers “ah” of course you would ,then my laughing changes to sobbing ,pacing ,telling myself im stupid ….Becs talks me down you not stupid leaning forward into me softly …im trying to just breath but its so erratic my chest hurts I jump up grab a toy from her shelve and begin to manipulate it in my hand hard I want to tell her more I say, she sits waiting the hard toy in my hand reminds me of the force of his hands and mouth but I cant tell her yet ….then anger comes full on I throw the toy and run to be outside an open door I want to bash my head its numb but my body starts hurting my bottom sends sharp pain into me and my jaw stiffens so bad ,Becs sits with me as I come back slowly talking softly you ok .The day that follows im sick badly not even did meds help me sleep by the third day im putting things in place that I need at therapy but then hubby rings unexpectedly saying hello my sexy wife BOOM BANG what do you mean im sick of your sayings etc. Hubby darling ,darling I meant nothing sexually bang goes our call and my day was over nothing Becs said made sense between her and hubby my brain thought they needed something from me….its an big problem!! After this our boy had teacher parent interview the next day ,his doing exceptional ,and was exciting for us as parents to hear he has also been nominated most improved student at MIT for his year ,which his not aware of yet “so proud” though coming home I was faced in Auckland’s horrendous traffic at 6.40 in the evening were I was in the middle lane having a full panic attack and our son helping me through it, this to has become a norm of continues panic in public .
Thursday I was rang with Three interviews meaning that I couldn’t go with my family to new Plymouth im home alone in pure panic will I get sick again and have to surrender to work ,im supported there and back but it doesn’t stop my panic attacks im just with some one ,however Fridays interview is over i think I never got it .Last Night I never slept mental health are checking regularly on me ,like every second day but it doesn’t help asking the same questions want to scream I know there’s reasons for checking on me..but id rather not be experiencing up/downs so extremely
The days continue in turmoil for me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?
Im aware as family tell me how bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do” often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !
Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!
This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.
This week iv had strange thoughts even though my husband shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything. As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for me at respite and meds related too they are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.
My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !
Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!
As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper ,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt she’d hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom or dad to visit and hang around waiting for me as she almost felt my pain the connection was crazy!!
We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.
“TO BE BROKEN TWICE”
to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .
Unfortunately Jo disappointed me more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens is im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!
I so want to shout and cry ,and start swearing …..Last night it started by me been incredibly irritable with normal stuff around the house and hubbies lack to help [really petty] It was hubby that pointed it out your whole face says there’s something wrong and the minute he mentioned Mom, job hunting and of course this last week at therapy I tried but failed to talk about the YUK stuff. And now two public holidays both on my therapy days so I go two weeks with out getting to her !Also im feeling that im left to walk out dealing with crap im so not grounded Does she even Know ??
after dropping our boy my sister rang to chat about mom she was transferred yesterday to a new hospital were she will under go physio ..”that’s great “BUT you want to hear the next stuff she’s admitted to using drugs again she’s performing at nurse for her next lot of meds and moody also wanting to get her doctor because he has prescribed her drugs obviously knowing nothing about her past addiction !There’s a stash of benzodizopans at her flat as well as other ones all very similar and that she mixed and matched in the past greatly at no joke of a lie it was between 30-50 tablets in a day falling around nearly killing us on many occasions!
I tried to say well talk later because I so wanted to cry …the morning spiralled down and I was on my way to hell so I decided to ring mental health I met someone nice and we chatted it through the feelings of past abuse its funny my body goes into shock and im petrified something awful is going to transpire I shake my bottom hurts ,my heart pounds , her never knowing my children till late in years was massively heart retching my oldest was three when she met him and she hit him many occasions [why I never protected him more ] my youngest she met when he was born but again little contact for years as a proper grandmother …..Iv come home and rapped myself up laying on the bed and im trying to pretend shell be fine BUT IM WORRIED ,will she survive this time round?
So I decided to just try it …hubby joined the boys Saturday morning for a fishing competition an hour away from home were after they would enjoy prize giving and a live band with dinner, so off i packed our camping gear for one night to freedom camp along the river.
The week of therapy had left me angry once again with the whole feeling why do I feel these things from the abuse? Its a feeling as though its present I haven’t spoken about the exact stuff it always makes me feel as though iv done something wrong when I want to talk about what they did. And there after im angry when I leave and only two words came out. So anxiety was there I was push and pulling and making believe ill be fine to go with hubby!
I left home after 1pm got there 2;15 set our tent up wondered around trying to ground myself was hard exhaustion had set in and the heat was unbearable ,hubby surfaced around late 3pm were the boys drank till after 6pm and we escaped to get dinner for all and enjoy a band and though I rarely drink I had one and the rest diet cool drink hubby had few beers and chatted the rest of the night. On off I escaped for my own respite to breath the guys were ok chatting to me and there were kids that gravited towards me to asking questions etc…..
late that night we fell off to bed into a two man tent lol were the heat was unbearable we turned and stuck our heads out the tent on pillows looking up at the stars, we fell asleep waking after 7am into clean clothes quick face wash and teeth brushed and off for breakfast and home to our boy .
Within minutes of been home tiredness and anxiety hit I was angry so I huddled my body off to bed till late afternoon well hubby checked on off I was ok!
Iv started new meds for my intestinal endometriosis, and im feeling the effects almost worse at present .So yesterday I took myself off for more bloods to be done and stopped off at the pharmacy to find out if this was okay or normal Groan its working like it should until inflammation has settled will it stop these symptoms…so that’s all good I supose,im not overally excited about the symptoms I must admit.
Monday was therapy and yuk I was faced with crap left right and centre enough to carry me through the last few days ,and to feel like giving therapy up for good …I think its the whole piece of exposing myself and then you leave and its full on in your face and you alone again battling through…Of lately I wish for my last really good space about two and half years ago were I handed it over and took such great care of me physically and emotionally t was as if I was new again.
Side tracking a little i was woken Wednesday morning with Facebook messages of which I pay normally little attention but one caught my eye been my brothers child and my mom asking her to get someone there asap it was urgent she had hurt herself …I immediately rang my brother who lived down the road from mom got no reply few seconds past he txt saying he was driving behind the ambulance mom had broken her hip,there’s so much going on as she had major back fusion a month and half ago and now this and not to mention just last week was evacuated from her flat due to mountain fires across the road raging and threating her home and others,This is the same woman who been to hell and back from drug addiction to living homeless loosing us kids then rehabilitating and joining a family continues to be a journey ill never know how she does it or feels it! My mom now lays in a public health system that is horrendously run by a government that funds little “very sad “She doesn’t even have a pillow to lie on so we’ve brought from home some ,But nonetheless we appreciative for there help but she lays with little pain meds and a broken femur clean break into the groin area and we substitute pain meds with Dr advice from our pockets until then she awaits surgery which could be two weeks still ahead “Just crazy”
So naturally I was exhausted last night our boys first day at college went well hooray I also had an interview at 4pm yesterday ill know tomorrow but I still had a house to tidy at 7pm for a property inspection and fell into bed at 8.30 EXCHAUSTED only to wake gasping for air every few hours so guess im now even more beyond sanity.
These are some feelings that remind us we wont back down ,we”ll be by your side till its over….
Well a happy new year to all my fellow friends I hope and pray its a beautiful year ahead for all with loads of growth looming!
There’s beauty in growing slowly I always think its the magic of it coming slowly that surprising and lovely to look at wow look how far we have come !!
And as I leave these pieces I hope to catch up soon as I have loads to unfold.
There’s a Blind side to my pain that arising and its very overwhelming like there’s so much at present im battling my brain seems to take it in differently .This week my boss informed me my contract comes to an end 28 January I questioned it what it meant and at present till there numbers are at 50 overall in the centre I would be coming back mmmma big sense of relief as my boy has been sick and is still battling im now on another path of feeling without meds and its challenging ,however im grateful for the opportunity of going back to teaching and have empathy for those littlies battling with transion themselves ,its been great sharing love in a tender way. My younger boy received his report at school Thursday and he has frontal lobe damage and this year third term we moved to a new city and school he had played a big part in looking out for me during our alone time well hubby started work in Auckland and there after hubbies accident he helped heaps with the move and then his new school what was I expecting he was sick in hospital all as exams started for his year 10 ,Yet I prevailed to yell and get incredibly angry when he showed me his report ,telling him off for no effort or determination! HOW DARE I …Friday it plagued me ,the pain I was inflicting on a child my child that had gone through all we had this year ,I came home apologized and chatted around how actually in hind site the school had taken nothing into account of his intellectual disability or his dyslexia -but next year his moving to a practical setting which he cant wait he was recently excepted at MIT “MAKAU INSTISTUTE OF TECHNOLOGY “to study boat building his passion.Hubby arrived home to BBQ and climb into he spa I wasn’t feeling great but after much I climbed in for an hour or so climbing out and feeling YUK I showered and tried getting to grips what was going on hubby wasn’t to perturbed about my job ,something new will arise we spoke about nick and his school hubby agreed he had been through heaps next year would change for him academically, so what was it then ???I started crying frantically until it hit me when I gave up fighting My old key worker Michelle and I are still friends and last week in a chat she mentioned my psychologist Marlize is leaving and going private and to email her ,crazy I felt after receiving an email from her the loss was all so great again And I don’t understand my feelings !!! Crying has been huge so off I went and took meds ,this cant be it knocked me out only to be woken with hubby cuddling me and a strong need for sexual touch all in half a sleep the passion was immense. Then falling asleep I dreamt I was been raped by a family member actually on hubbies side of the family I watched as he groped and entered me all from a distance I enjoyed something sickening .Wakening to a feeling of been sick I dragged my body around only wanting to cry more and rage ,hubbys away fishing in a competition so I pushed to clean and hang washing well my son cleaned up hubbys boxes from our move months ago in the garage.
Ifinally crashed to watch touched by an angel ,were there the angel was telling the woman she was raped because god gave free will to his people he didn’t send them to do these things,And wow I crying in anger and pain again fuck these people I don’t know to make me any stronger but im battling each and every day but trying God to forgive ! Then next came some post well hubby was unemployed last year this time iv been battling to catch up on debt only to told im in default now ,im trying to breath but anxiety is certainly full on waiting for a panic attack.
I’m so Angry it’s there full on it burst out when I least expect it i just raged at my boy about a simple thing he was talking about I can’t explain it it’s like it just merges from deep in me ,wanted to throw the glass it wasn’t till he walked away I calmed down ,I’m exhausted from pure anxiety growing in me ..some pieces are fitting my illness I’m scared to say or deal with now!
…My brain function is up and down and well I had one great day of been able to feel and utelise my brain fully with no numbness which was FANTASTIC I live for those days …I have to admit it hasn’t been all days like that and im sure you know that but im writing this blog as piece to many different days and so others going throw similar can hopefully relate to the harsh reality of mental illness and its medicines and going with out .Don’t get me wrong they work im just having a moment of being adamant of stopping my meds for a few reasons one my moms an addict and recently after many years she zonked out her mind secondly im over our mental health my key worker never actioned the next script just ignoring me and this was another result ,and just for clarification I had left her I was forced to go through her ….but no longer
Its hard to function or stay okay in a day when your inner self changes all the time ,and I don’t say it lightly but its true its incredibly challenging at present to stay focused on my bigger picture of no meds and still focused on being ok is bladdy hard .Iv noticed over this week im trying so hard that when I have turned into the not so good BOOM its in my face actually giving me fight as if someone just scared me …my colleagues continue to ask if im ok obviously knowing nothing about me I say im fine but ya its obviously evident for them. Friday I had a little irritation to colleague of mine blaming me for something she did and me not making her aware lol I did …telling her to get over herself please I don’t have time for stupidity …My brain function ,yesterday on a trip to coromandel with the family was met with lots of irritation and loads of exhaustion in my body ,being able to take in little of what people say is in many ways like being permanently hyper vigilant but not knowing whats being said ,crazy I know and im sure for others it might be other wise ! Today iv woken at 9.30 after sleeping non stop from when we got in yesterday at 16.30 …iv worked around the house trying to contend with a numb head sharp pains in my brain and anger arising with tears ,as well as shaking terribly today -yesterday hubby mentioned im talking to myself or answering myself im not aware voices are back but sure as hell don’t wont them around in the mix…. My family appear normal still ,well by that I mean we not arguing about me not taking meds yet ..and my progress largely depends on there support “im not holding my breath “its hard for them too.
ITS A TENDER SITUATION
There’s a piece this week im working on looking after me ,I had started to get sick Wednesday already with a sore throat but was determined to push through as it was my first week at my job “and really was thinking this doesn’t look good “but I was determined to FUDGE this sore throat and get through ,until Thursday night I was awake exhausted vomiting and my throat was raging worst than the Wednesday when I finally arose Friday morning yes glued shut and finished ….However still not really wanting to stay home I went to work were I called my boss and left for the doctors.
Its funny theres a few things going through my mind at this stage -one ill loose my job ,two I cant tell hubby I came home hell be cross “crazy”,three m a looser im worth nothing if I cant stick a week out at work…..WRONG – There’s so much I have to give to teaching these little guys ,I come with a heap of different experiences to share ,and if my new company cant respect I was really sick and im worth it then this isn’t it!…However after a doctors appointment I was sent home with tonsillitis ,ear infection ,bronchitis and extremely high blood pressure ,the last two my chest and blood pressure I had no clue I had but later evening It revealed it self full on ….im extremely sick today but again hoping to believe in me ill survive and get through im home till Tuesday.
Some favourite songs sending much love to all hope this lifts and inspires you for who you are !
So well been in horrific pain the whole of the next day and looks that said if you mention a word ill kill you and your mother, I kept to myself .But what I wasn’t immediately aware of was this piece growing strong inside me ….This was my fight song and it didn’t matter who believed me I was going to get my life back. So exactly two days later I gathered enough courage to stay at my aunt and chat things through never bringing up any of the sexual abuse not even my uncles latest .My aunt tried to make go back home but instead I said I had exams and was off to school rather and asked her to pop into mom and check her out, she agreed ! but instead I had contact with a friend at an old school her dad was an addict but she lived with mom and mom had said it was ok for me to stay for a few days well we studied ,after one night I managed to tell her of what had happened and the following day said thanks to her mom and headed off to school in Audi nary clothes ,I went to the guidance councillor and explained I wasn’t going back we spoke of moms addictions her cancer and guess it never took much for to realize I was petrified of dad so she rang a social worker who arrived a few hours later at school we chatted and I was placed in a place of safety ,for a few months ,dad came the following dad but little was said why I was there I remember just saying I cant live this life anymore does anyone hear me ..My social worker Thalia, was lovely warm and compassionate she never left me alone at all ,well cares at the centre fused id run away ,commit suicide etc. they soon came to learn I wasn’t that kid..i just wanted to be left alone sleeping for hours on end I was exhausted permanently .
So well months went on and now wonder why so long but I think dad fought to have me in some strange way ,maybe boarding school? Who knew! Eventually the day came the big court case ,we were all there the two boys my brothers and mom and dad well dad continued to belittle mom in a strange way and us petrified Thalia protected us as much as possible ..The judge asked what my reason for been place in a children’s home was I very heart sore at the time mentioned my moms addiction was a large part and dad and myself don’t really get on ,but my step mom and I do to some degree ..however I love my parents we all do except and I STOPPED he lifted his head from writing peered over his glasses and said YES except what “i couldn’t say it ” except I said I wont go back to that life I CANT -sobbing I left the court room were mom and dad were left alone talking Thalia sheltered us kids crying outside on the pavement of the court house ,Dad came out and said do you boys want to live with me ,they were little petrified of a wrong answer shaking they said yes at that stage I blurted to dad could I live with them too ?His response in front of the social worker was NO my wife just cant feel to bring a rebellious teen up too …OK I SAID .
Honestly Fuck I was broken alone and still bearing the physical pain of a few days ago rape I was battling ,crushed Thalia held me and said honestly is that so bad ? It was definitely between driving back to the state house from court Thalia asked if I could be pregnant ,I shrugged did she feel that need to ask because of stopping well talking to the judge, did she see the signs of sexual violence ,who knows but I was beginning to feel id be ok -So the court awarded me to state to take care and so my life in a children’s home began ,and wow was it so different to what id envisaged …YES it was !!
Thalia took me to collect my belonging which of only a few things I owned and off I was introduced to all at the home …first impression AWESOME a place were no one would ever touch me again , the secretary happened to be a friend of dads old partner many years back and such a lovely lady ,the principle was obviously lesbian ,sorry I hadn’t at that point been subjected to much of that but really great, and the lovely aunty Jean well she was in charge of the kitchen staff ,food etc. –
My first house mother Moria ,well she lived upstairs her and her family Moria was a little cold at times but lovely too…she showed me to my room well the guys brought me bed and dresser to put in my room the rest was for me to do or get …as time went on I made it mine! Dad called that same night and aunty Jean called me and comforted me .Food was always great and kitchen staff were African and they very much loving mother type!That first night I had a migraine and Moria gave me Panadol I battled through the night vomiting and not sure were to next ,but I got through.
Few days later I met Joanne and this is were my story becomes an open book she fills a gap of a mother I never really had for the next two years she’s there for me Day and Night …as write I can feel her presence her warmth her love her excepting of who I was …And because of her ill never be the same person again!
So two weeks ago I started this group work ,called dealing with distress however iv told you about my first session and my week of hell this is were im at now —
Is this possible I ask myself without even being able to answer It myself, crazy as it sounds –YESTERDAY = A fabulous day
Dissociation was far from me I noticed so much driving to group that actually at some point I thought I was lost lol this is so true -excited to get started I shared my crap week or a week of hell were others so could relate to my ups and downs which of course in its own makes a difference never questioned my craziness .Another ASPECT =yesterday me staying with my feelings which to contributed to a good feeling of being in control my brain was been very co operative=HOORAY as this seldom happens for me!
After Group this lady walked out chatting to me and a guy from group joined in from behind, the lady left and we continued to chat and said goodbye as I reached my car and climbed in I felt oozy,drained and nausea and as I sat in the warmth of my car accepting there’s a trigger, my brain partially recaptured the sexual abuse the smell of deodorant the smell of sperm and feeling emotions I actually started to cry but also became still and no vomiting accured ,with great excitement I write telling you all this as my battle has been for a long time projectile vomiting at smells ,noises and even people=incredible ,stress resentment and hatred to myself always questioning, when next .
But today presents a question in its own , as I have not slept now for 28 hours ,what is happening usually no sleep =down ward spiral fast could yesterdays so awake brain be a distant memory fast ?I don’t wont to loose yesterday ,but im incredibly wide awake I walked patches at 6;30 on the beach did breakfast and then walked him again ,cleaned the house did the washing ,took a warm shower and yet still im incredibly high…..im scared but so hanging onto yesterdays feeling of really living!!
Having many different emotions in one day can be from waking with anger ,then crying, then suddenly a burst of energy, then shaking draining one’s body of its sudden urge of previous energy, then bang ,voices emerge, no energy to even do the necessary the most important, then comes my mobility I battle to walk ,talk everything hurts ,my heart pounds its taking every ounce of energy from me today ,iv tried desperately to hang on to strategies and distractions and though I barely did it ..I DID IT !
As the day ended I crashed needing reassurance to get through the last piece my boy was heading home and then hubby and all my family are tired of my roller-coaster moods ..I JUST WANTED TO BE NORMAL OK FOR THEM FOR ME ..
As my husband returned home my boy had already noticed my mood hubby hugged me we ate and briefly spoke about our holiday when I mentioned that we stay home as finances are just settling after last year turmoil ,it was then he turned in mood and said he’ll go visit family in London we can stay home …
His issues isn’t mine I can’t tonight I just needed his arms around me love ,kind words. ..it’s hard what mental health does to one’s family iv tried to stay focused on my boy after this but even that was hard I so wanna be normal ok enough to go places ,the weekend I vomited on a trip to town with hubby lucky I managed to keep control and not flip out.
ITS AN EVER EVOLVING CONTRIBUTION TO MY LIFE ..YET I HAVE TO SAY -EVEN WITH ALL IV LEARNT -“I hate it” and will not except it
Longing to be in control is driving me insane , how I could just wish to allow the instructions of life and let it be what ever it is , “it might not last as long”
My mind fills of nothing really but a strong wish to rather dissociate and run or maybe even attempt suicide on days that last this long ,people seem to make promises that they never keep that enlarge the feeling of been dropped once more ,and if its not that simple there questions that are implied how would you like me /us to help ?…its a million dollar question as it means me been honest and actually thinking, which at present brings some thing else to the front ..im currently looking to go back to work but every job I see I cant bring myself to ring or even forward a cv I feel inadequate to say the least my brain fails me it wont co operate and im exhausted trying to find words why !!
My mood is currently fluctuating from ok to the extreme ,this morning I felt to turn everything upside down in my house and leave …but iv always been aware of my boys and how this would impact them ….sadly this morning there’s something going on with our younger one his in deep thought!
last night our friend dropped hubbys boat off as he kept it when we moved ,my husband had said at some stage lets show him our beach and take patches for a walk ,of which my boy had said in going to do my assignment rather I replied yes at that stage I put patches on a leash and off we went on our return we found we were locked out of our house ,I assumed he went to a friend quickly 10min after hubby getting in to the house he came ,tears in his eyes as he couldn’t find me on the beach !! this was a first is he feeling my distress ?I love them dearly and its not my intention to upset them or hubby but hell its hard to keep this together without exploding.
Ten years ago I lost my cousin this month age 27 with two children and a baby due to be born. .all to a rescue he attended the little girl was taken by him in the helicopter to hospital sadly on take off they hit the mountains and all died…colleague’s on the ground watched in dismay as he had just reassured the little girl she would see mom now at the hospital. ..none of it happened, but he would have wanted nothing more than to see her settled and with family getting treatment in hospital as she had a broken hip…
The mother of the child said he treated her daughter like his own child as he attended to her …This is for you Paul. .
Saw like the angels you always remembered by your boys and family -I have much appreciation for rescue worker’s. .thank you to all of them!!
I’m Richard, I’m a fireman – and I’ve got a story about my mental health that could really help someone you know. Maybe you could share it?
I joined the fire service in 2001 when I had just turned 18 – I’d always fancied doing it, so one day I took the plunge.
Three years ago my then partner and I lost a baby – we had a miscarriage. At the time I didn’t think anything of it. I told myself these things happen, get on with it.
Then last summer at work I attended a road traffic accident. The casualty trapped in the car was pregnant. As soon as the officer giving the briefing told us that, something just turned.
I had to step away from the job then and there, because the first thing that came into my head was the baby we had lost. What was bizarre for me was why it had taken so long to react to it.
I had some time off work, and went back when I thought I was OK. They took one look at me and sent me straight home.
My bosses knew I wasn’t safe to be there because of the huge fluctuations in my mood. I never knew what triggered it, but I’d go from being fine straight to rock bottom.
There were days when I didn’t know what I was doing, or who I was. I was in a bubble. I could have been in a street full of people but as far as I was concerned it was just me there. When I got to my lowest there were times I didn’t know what was happening to me. It was tough.
I planned to end my life, and I had told my partner at the time that’s what I was going to do. She called the doctor, who rang me straight away and referred me to the psychiatric team to be assessed.
The worst part of it was pushing my family away. I’ve got two small kids and I pushed them and my partner at the time away, which resulted in the relationship ending. That didn’t help things and probably set me back further.
But now its getting better, I’m seeing a lot more of my kids. Things are improving.
I’ve been quite open about all of it with my bosses and colleagues. I’d rather people knew why I was off rather than making assumptions.
They have been really supportive. We are lucky as a service to have a big network of support, from counsellors to what they call staff supporters – people you can just talk to at any time. They were all really helpful, and they never once pushed me to come back.
Since I have spoken out, other colleagues including senior officers have told me how they went through that 20 years ago or whatever it was. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one, that people do get through it and progress.
But although there’s a big welfare network in place at work, there’s nothing specifically for mental health and I’d like to get that in place. I want to get other people talking about it.
The Blue Light Programme has been an excellent campaign and helped me a lot. The information and support they have provided for me, my organisation and managers has been indispensable.
I am back at work now. I still have bad days, but they are manageable. My job is massive to me and I love it, and for them to give that back to me made me feel so appreciated. And now, through this, I could potentially help someone else – and that’s the most important thing.
There are around a quarter of a million emergency service staff and volunteers working in police, fire, ambulance and search and rescue services in England who could benefit from Mind’s Blue Light Programme.
Please share my story with someone you know in the emergency services:
We’re Mind, the mental health charity.
Is it possible I ask myself over and over to miss people in my life who aren’t even my family? ??
If you haven’t guessed I suffer with separation anxiety too!!
Iv been feeling low to say the least the added feelings of missing mich and my old therapist are big so much so I find myself sobbing for them …
After leaving my key worker her and I had promised to keep in contact my therapist well she’s amazing but professional boundaries are there and her last words were that she would not be able to support me ..but would love to hear how I’m doing. ..Friday I said goodbye to my boy and I called her mmm maybe support I was needing more than it was an awesome visit, she hasn’t called back. ..can it be this heart renching I ask myself?
I emailed her why I called. .but now I’m feeling like let it be lisa as i walked along the beach with patches I felt those waves washing back and forth I am the waves now ..but soon I’ll be the sea always here never leaving and just ok as i know it’ll take time to heal!
As usual I haven’t written in a while ,change of more meds and the continuous desire to have normal days are few coming …
Today my older boy comes home and though bad behaviour is common trait our last visit was amazing and before leaving Palmerston north my therapist and I were working on better experiences and I partly think it was different due to me just been more excepting and more present ,so im trying to think positive again it’ll be great out and about iv planned breakfast tomorrow late morning at our little coffee shop behind our house its cosy and they allow dogs to, patches went with hubby and myself Sunday for a walk on beach and around onto golf course then for coffee so sweat he layed under the table drinking his water loved it and had cake lol.
Well tomorrow I start to with my new key worker Im nerves she’s coming to me at 9 am and mornings are hard . Last night was back at dr I have these episode’s of dropping nearly to the ground and then my blood pressure goes wild ,they removed my blood pressure meds two weeks ago added a beta blocker and now last night she changed it to long acting beta blocker to control these episode’s ,hoping it does ,how ever next week I see the mental health DR for the first time and im hoping his onto it his south African to not sure if good or bad???
On a brighter note I think often of my fellow bloggers and im hoping soon to be back following regularly when we have permanent internet, much love to all.
Its been a while since I last read or posted the server changes of my life is having on us! While the move is over it happened last Thursday I now experiencing the adverse effects of the stress…have you heard that physical work reduces stress well I know its true as iv experienced it two years back I had someone walk along side me at a fitness program GREEN PRESCRIPTION you might know it not only did I loose weight but my whole attitude changed as well as feeling of myself. So well the move had my younger son and I work hard it was great that physical adrenaline .
One week before the move hubby came home to do his garage stuff we had spoken I think twice that day or three times he was heading to the new house to drop our caravan and then heading home to Palmerston our conversation went about not hurrying home today his tired sleep and head home Friday ,but he was persistent he was ok and he would take it easy at 8;23 we spoke and I was in bed exhausted and also feeling a little selfish as remember thing please don’t ring non stop I just want to sleep but exactly two hours later I was woken with my phone vibrating under the pillow all day I had a sense of some thing going to happen in me ….the number was my husbands so I answered to hear hubby shaken up but firm instructions don’t worry just listen to me …was he hijacked did our car breakdown but instead after guessing said he was in an accident h my word are you ok im fine …but then he starts talking fast very fast about a ride with someone and a bus tomorrow thank the lord at that moment I said give me a few moments I need to think ,it was then I organized our ute to be towed in and woke a friend of ours who didn’t hesitate to fetch hubby ..a few times I spoke with the family who put my husband up and took care of his head ,all the while I was told his lucky to be alive ….his lost control on black ice and he hit the curve flew into the air and rolled numerous time how on earth alone he managed to climb out I don’t know that, as his top of the ute is completely crushed only a little piece his side was open were he climbed out. Hubby arrived home at 5;30 Friday morning white shaking and exhausted repeating how much he loved us .
He saw a doctor had scans and praised god for nothing to be wrong other than server bruising our oldest was incredibly worried about dad as us funny things continued to happen out of the blue were he would decide to do stuff they wasn’t fitting that time of night or day but all seems to have settled now ,the move continued the following Wednesday and I did really well or we all did including patches we slept the night in Taurangi warm baths and left 4 am next day for last stretch arriving just in time with removal truck.
This week has been eventful to say the least a Dr visit on Monday revealed a recent ECG result showing some abnormalities of the heart ..funny these were the tests that the psychiatrist I dislike ordered that I nearly never went for and then bloods I tore up because he was to lazy to look my results up grrrrr none the less I ordered new bloods and had them done yesterday ,iv connected with my doctor this morning about my concerns and the referral was done Tuesday to our Palmerston North hospital he will now redirect it to Auckland …. Yes we found a house by the sea which feels like home already I think behind us is a golf course which hubby likes and 800m is the sea f which there’s a boat club were they have community get togethers and dinners as well ,shops are close by except schools it looks a distance but ill sort it out..today im paying our bond &organizing all the other pieces ,in the interim I will work possibly with my husband lol its just as we get settled financially we need the money its been a struggle over the months making things work ,so I feel it will be ok .This morning it all fell kind of into place a removal company offered to move our stuff as long as we have the labour hooray its definitely worth it less stress. So onwards ill plod -I’ve also had the most amazing three days with our oldest boy been home and the connection felt very relaxed we laughed joked the three of us so my younger boy is off to wellington with his brother home tomorrow afternoon on the bus ,and our oldest returns Sunday night again after work the weekend to help pack its been precious to say the least I love the boys !! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojx4CMMuORU
Its been a while once again ,and as almost always we’ve been thrown around up /down ,inspired, and also let down greatly …..We now definitely moving to Auckland and my anxiety by the word DEFINITLY IS RAISED GREATLY !! I almost feel as though im moving countries once again with new found friend colleagues wanting to catch up say goodbye do dinner, drinks and coffees ……but every thing in me resists all that –
Last week in therapy my therapist M decided to stop EMDR and just focus on the move it was hard I swore I wasn’t going to another city ,yet she had thought worse off that id rather tell hubby it was the end and break our marriage up ..NO that’s not me right now im petrified more of another huge move iv never flown again after the big fight from SA to NZ and I get horribly sick on long drives in NZ even if im sedated I take days of recovery so my options are few other than to slowly drive myself there …??? Im really at a point of determination in one aspect iv mapped schools out for our teenager and applied for millions of houses only to be let down ,not excepted ,to late ..or the agents cancel there viewing ..it seems house hunting is more stressful than packing up well I recover from a foot injury and a very bad flu that’s had me in out of bed between physio and doctors and OT visits!!
However I woke this morning from dreaded nightmares and a feeling I so hate that exhibits my up bringing of suicide attempts …and as iv fought through the day ..night is here and im envisaging knifes in my mind trying hard once again to understand why with some hope –there’s terror involved to this point of not wanting to live again?
This email came afterwards from my therapist ..mine is at the bottom of the page. …
At present I’m sitting in pain were does this arise from why now ?
Scroll slowly and sit with this a while from my therapist!
You were as responsible for your mother’s actions as what your son is for yours.
Think on that for a minute….
I know that your angry side probably has lots to say to me right now… J
Bear with me. Just let that statement sit for a minute.
You were as responsible for your mother’s actions as what your son is for yours.
That brave, brave, angry girl spoke up to save you.
Bet that makes her angry too. She’s used to being the bad guy, huh?
Your feelings about your mom must be so tangled up. Anger and guilt and love and hate and sadness and grief and all of it just awash in so much pain. That makes it hard to make sense of it.
Remember when your son helped you out the restaurant and you felt guilty for that? For him acting like the parent, and looking after you? We spoke about that, and we said that the guilt was justified – children shouldn’t be parentified, and a 14-year old should not have to look after his mother. Remember that conversation?
Now try to apply that to yourself – how would it be if your adult self accepted that you were not the parent.
Subject: After therapy today from me
I had no sooner left therapy or hospital today and I felt sick vomiting was so close while driving home.
But then m I get home my son was watching Jeremy kyle show..and this father is a drug addict living now on the streets. .but all I saw was my mom and his kids were begging him to take help…iv sobbed and faught !
Everything about my mom’s addition was there even the years of her been homeless I’d lay awake would there be a knock at the door would I not be able to say goodbye id see her from time to time begging at robots fuck id ignore her from my angry side ..but yet I hated her to because she never cared or protected me from the abuse but caused it more in some ways.. it was my fault ,I broke our family up, i left & she became homeless because of me..
I just feel responsible for all she went through …
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I’m not sure what brings it on ..life events, changes,stress or Wanting my husband ?
My body aches in pain that places don’t understand why. .I’m feeling vulnerable incredibly!
I’m on acc from a foot accident but being off work leaves uncertainty in all aspects _I need a job near my husband before I can move ,we can’t efford for me not to work ..but even with us both working bills pile as we pay two rents ,so what do we do it’s been nearly 4 months and I’m trying to have faith..I need him as i try ignore the anxiety of been vulnerable in places I hate!!
Let me tell you in short never let anger drive you !!
On Tuesday I was so mad with my dr and his advice and then my boss to add to it gets hours of mine wrong texting me while I’m working in the garden were the hell are you? You promised yesterday to work today lol I forwarded her own message from the day before asking me to work Wednesday not Tuesday. .
Anyhow now highly annoyed I was mowing the lawns before our next down pour and in the process I step straight into our lovely puppies whole they dug ..NICE LOL now picture this three dogs on top of me a foot throbing and my arm I broke few years back really paining and server ANGER
dropp it it’s not worth it i now see.
I had to get my self back into the house three dogs hold them at bay well two puppies thought let’s play and my big boy let them know she’ll kill us get lost now lol so on my bottom I shuffled into our house waiting for our teenager to arive home and get myself down stairs again on my bottom and off to a dr..now on crutches tendons crushed. .
MY OBSERVATION. .LET ANGER GO !!
APOLOGIES TO MY BLOGGING BUDDIES
Hey guys ,
I’m sincerely sorry for not reading and chatting lately ,I know im not only one going through something and with saying that iv been incredibly grateful to have yous walk along side me encouraging me ,praying for me and sharing with me ..like wise please know you aren’t far from my thoughts .
sending much love
Its incredibly difficult at present im just trying to get through ….Im missing him greatly to say the least …lord please help us with all we going through.
Its been quite a while since the anniversary of our family trauma ,and though in hind site I survived that weekend ….this last week has changed Monday a week ago my therapist began EMDR therapy with me and though I was excited to tackle the issues plaguing me ,I knew there would be some feelings arising and knocking me in the face !
In short between Monday and Thursday things changed dramatically for me ..not easier but I was once again in a place that my body and mind didn’t resist I gave in and nurtured this body and soul and with it came odd pieces of taking care of me again like walking my dogs enjoying the little sun reading , I even attempted the home work for EMDR !
UNTIL -dreaded Friday arrived and I was left uncontrollably different sobbing crying with my left side shaking thank goodness there was no work for me I had past the previous week with a horrendous amount of hours avoiding mostly anything or any triggers but on Friday it wasn’t about to leave easily so I rang my therapist freaking out that something major was wrong I was going to die Anxiety hadn’t been this high in agers …between us we tried little pieces of possibly making tea well I spoke to her I couldn’t move I think at this point I literally screamed well shaking uncontrollably..at this point or some a work man came to our house to do work and I left to try get him sorted drained he might have thought I was hung over but fxxk I really couldn’t have cared. There after two friends arrived in the interim and stayed and had coffee but when they saw the state I was in I think they thought best to exit fast ..it really felt so!
They had no sooner left I remained panicky and wondered about outside why it felt so threating? the phone rang it was my therapist once again ,we continued this time she wanted me to walk the dogs ,I was happy to say now well I write I point blank could not have done so ..gardening I was going to try just a little …sad part none of the above could I do between Friday and Sunday iv been house bound my anxiety immediately rises the minute I need to go out ….
With a heap of help I HATE ASKING “” I slowly began seeing the outside again yesterday and every noise tremor seems louder than before also had to return to work last night as on call would not replace me grrr wonderful people they are ,its interesting as for the many years doing sleep overs iv never heard the noises I heard last and they only increased my anxiety more….well im home now im due back at work in an half hour for another sleep over and then a whole day vocationally tomorrow and im trying to take care and also get over the anxiety of the outside world, I do wonder if it will settle soon though?
I’d gone out with friends last night for dinner to celebrate rather than dwell on my birthday. ..
we were home by 9:15 in bed by 9:40 asleep till 7 ish this morning great start I’d thought, with wishes from far and wide my boy made tea and breakfast we caught up on shortland street a TV program and I relaxed in the warmth of our conservatory. .feeling just ok
I started work at 3 today to have to do a hospital visit with some server accident that happened to a client. .AND THE HOSPITAL IS MAKING ME FEEL ANXIOUS, so I’d hoped writing will soothe the reality. ..this is that day my family fought for there life and my step dad died it’s also the day many years ago age ten I was raped. . I’m fine today it’s just a memory I’m in no threat !!
Iv taken my prn to calm down the shaking and now the rest is prayers…
Well I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home the dynamics of my sexual abuse seem worse when there’s this “wifely duty to “ag I make it sound like the worse part of been married or been in a relationship but realistically its true its a huge trigger even if it doesn’t feel so at the time ..it comes with a vengeance there after!
Monday I was very hollow spaced out and therapy was just a NO NO but I went even though these pieces were around …On numerous times my therapist pleaded please don’t zone out on me try stay focused but fuck hey it was impossible we even tried diverting a little sharing a peppermint to divert my attention hell it was revolting my taste buds turned it upside down and for a first I felt myself diving for the inside of hoodie to want to get sick [embarrassing] I then welled up in tears and cried hooray maybe she was right I was alive..i just couldn’t stay present as hard as I tried, humbly she comforted me and we ended .
Yesterday I never had work till three and my body has been telling me for weeks now stop im sore ,yesterday I just stayed in bed every time I tried to do just one thing and then maybe another id crash crying, angry, frustration, soreness ,vomiting you name it …oh and the wonderful unpredictable pain that instantly reminds me im in danger there’s really no light heartedness in that phrase as its my worse reminder…however laying and just surviving was all I could do with my hollow body and brain. At three I fumbled off to work protesting with hatred Reith in my body ,if I was aloud to scream I might have done so ..at 6 pm I was finished three hours and that said a lot for me ! As the night rolled on so did anxiety and panic and my voices in the head searching for reassurance rang our help line mental health and some how she thought she new how to solve my problems by telling me to change my profession and how could I do my work like this ….its a subject that my family meaning my parents had to have reality for me its a passion to work with others that cant communicate properly and strive for normality however it looks for different people it is a goal that looks beautiful at the end !However she forcefully carried on until accidentally one of our phones cut off and I said THANK GOD !!!
This morning i had to literally hall my brain out of bed with instructions to co operate till frustration hit with anger and my younger boy got everything…today I got a letter to see the psych again this time he wants a brain scan hooray maybe im just mad and not mental ,im not sure meds are entirely correct but I do know for certain this pattern is ready for my brain to find a happy place, its extremely exhausting living with un predictability iv been convinced itll kill me sooner if not later by that im just living off auto pilot if forgetfulness doesn’t join to forcefully ill manage to keep going.
ITS HURTING AGAIN !
Its the month of may I loth self worthlessness arises !
I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out
I resist it
fighting with all my being
tired or not ,
I refuse to feel its pain
it never fails to be different
how could I be changed for life ?
I was groomed from age 3 by him,
a thought that prevails is sickening
in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again
I never asked for it …
but instead it was presented to me
a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !
There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..
I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”
WHAT WHO KNOWS”
As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….
I woke they were talking and crying much …its Johnny and Can they here and I feel there pain 😢☹
It’s so sad the abandoment was huge piece been left on many levels we sought comfort together many days behind the couch with blankie and sun it soothed us and not to mention thumb in mouth tears would stream after each rape and each abandoned moment by mom .
It feels like it’s our time to just be …:
To just be together
Feel the warmth
And anticipate were we go
Emotions oh I so dislike the deregulation
I know it’s been awhile I haven’t written and oh boy there’s lots to put down or take out or come out
I don’t know how to start oh boy it’s hard
Well if having a bowel obstruction wasn’t enough I’m home developed bladder infection G came and gave me a remedy let’s clear things up the Following morning I woke and had a sore throat and ear infection full blown cold on top of it I feel tired like when I’m like this because I have nobody around G is my only support my family have been joking non-stop about the bowel obstruction and been saying things like you in a crappy mood or oh sorry I forgot it’s a shity mood and I know that they only joking but I had to try and explain all to the older one things happened in my life it’s just not funny it’s been hard but I feel incredibly down and triggered and I haven’t been at work for 4 weeks going and I feel useless
Todays my first day out but I managed to get a few groceries for my family I sort out my sick leave but I just feel incredibly venerable scared and sad that’s alright because all I do is cry I feel like I have gone through it all over again.
My boss rang this afternoon to find out I was doing I was honest it felt good to be honest and say im still sick battling through this.
Last few weeks have been hell iv been sick with diverticulitis and finally after my much resistance was admitted to hospital and I had some intervention and exploratory surgery…this has left me so triggered and vulnerable..my first night in hospital had moments of panic on off thank goodness G was around to talk a little and then there was an area with lazy boys next to my room so put my headphones in and listen to Hu until I fell asleep roughly after 11pm climbed straight into bed until 3am I was woken with pain so had meds and obs taken managed the rest through the night.
In short I had a bowel obstruction and after all this I’m raw and incredibly soar I was dehydrated so a drip was put in all the puncturing into my veins and been confined made me feel more vulnerable…
I was given a tranquilizer before the camera but I swear I remember everything.
i fought to be an adult trying to visualize myself on G lazy boy safe by the fire but I couldn’t I was that kid as it felt like a beer bottle going in ,I tried breathing I hang onto the bed crying as I gasped for air”I can’t explain enough how I fought as the pain screamed through me afterwards leaving me vulnerable and bleeding and sobbing .
I’m home and I still continue to battle to eat without pain now taking paracetamol every 5 hours on the dot not to mention other meds for vomiting and to keep my bowels moving.
More to come later
It’s been a while since I’ve I’ve written anything on my blog I’m slowly experiencing things more outside of normal
A fortnight ago we went away to Palmerston North on a weekend just to relax Brian trying desperately to get me away from work it’s been increasing more more pressure put on me it seems like there’s a few hours in the day I then find myself doing work at night
So this fortnight by myself went to Wellington to a South African concert that’s was so out of my comfort zone I traveled the first time by train I’m roughly an hour away from the city I never imagined that I would that many tunnels I thought shortly after the train pulled off I thought i was going to kill the train driver, arrived eventually in Wellington after communicating for most of the way with my old key worker i battled to breathe cried with my face against the window I pleaded with my brain to allow me to achieve this
Arrived at Wellington my legs would hardly hold me anxiety had affected me so badly that I could barely think
Slowly walked to a coffee shop on the station sat down then ring my husband I was there at that time he was in a meeting till 3
The South African concert was lovely and we were both exhausted so just after 11 we headed back to hotel for the night.. part of today heading off to work till midnight
This is even hard telling the story yeah has affected me in some ways more than others …
It’s a strange Kind of Feeling I just feel sad lonely and like I don’t want to exist I spent days cutting now and Johnny and can are back and the angry teenager I feel like everybody is going to walk out the door.
Last week kate left I was angry man one she couldn’t have picked a worse time another is she has known for weeks she leaving, it’s hard when you expected to trust somebody and the up and leave,now kate wasn’t my therapist she was my key worker doing therapy work with me and though it’s only been a few months it’s hard, guess what I’m not saying is it’s that time of the year again all of the stuff is very raw.
Honestly her offering me a new therapist and running after me to talk my brain doesn’t want to be there so I swore at her to f*** off it’s a point that I actually wonder is she stupid or does she just not read my notes that you would not know why I am experiencing this.
Yesterday I had the same thought about g she’s my homeopathy and for a while now I’ve been working on remedies for my voices and sleep deprivation it sometimes it’s a success other times it’s a no hit…
Yesterday she sent me an email sand she would never leave no never for me is a very strong word but further on in her email what you’re saying is she wouldn’t be here today and gone tomorrow like kate did to me, and a soft and gentleness she wishes I just accept she forever reminds me this is not my fault and I can’t blame myself for the abuse the dysfunctional family upbringing, but it hurts so bad I still just want to make it right I want to be held but wanna run it always feels so unfamiliar
No sleep equals aggravation, I’m trying to write but she so angry
There are others around, this day iv left home to run away im 15 it’s a nightmare but so true…what will transpire hurts
I’m listening to loud music to avoid her voice ho knows were this RD will go