The unknown of my moods

I’m trying hard to step things up take new steps in keeping busy when not working i haven’t  engaged in them yet but I’m thinking more of taking them up👍
Down side👎:'(
The down side my moods are irractic I’m irrational and relationships are hard and fragile in my life “IT HURTS ” we say hard horrible stuff to each other flying to opposite rooms screaming and back and forth,him pushing me to go to work full time but I can’t manage it “JUST MORE STRESS I wish I could though run till the end.. obviously i don’t mean to swap and change but I do, I keep trying hard to catch it early but I’m missing the signs far to quickly. ..I manage work briefly and explode in server anxiety as i hit the car.. my quitiapine  is working briefly but I don’t wanna talk about a increase in that too ,iv just had an increase in eppilum and this is hard iv battled bad headaches and now sleep I’m awake from 3 am wide awake 😧this weekend I’m sleeping early afternoon for two hours.
Tomorrow I’m back to work, wondering how I will manage 😵

At the back of my head or maybe the middle near front I’m aware anniversary day is looming closer😭

How does this happen?

TODAY HAS BEEN A DAY OF EVENTS , I WANTED TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD I HAD AFTER ALL I SLEPT 4 HOURS LAST MAKING THIS WEEK A RECORD….I SPOKE WITH A BLOGGING FRIEND THIS MORNING WE CHATTED HAPPILY …I THEN LEFT TO GO TO CHURCH REMEBER MY MISSION I WAS ONLY VISITING TO GET AN IDEA WHAT WE WOULD LIKE AND I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED IT I FELT GOOD TO BE CONNECTED AND I WAS EXCITED TOO. Later I stopped at a friend and had a coffee I was invited for dinner to and was excited to keep moving ,I arrived home to do some gardening and enjoy my [BOYS]dogs company …..its wasn’t till around 4;35 I felt a panic attack come on so badly I was forced to cancel my dinner with my friend and her family….it forced its way so rapidly that I was paralysed and shaking un controllably I thank god at this point I knew  I needed someone by so I rang our support, At this point I just spiralled worse and worse  from shaking to nausea to pain of been felt, like i was been raped over and over again …this lady spoke gently encouraging me to breath slowly with her then to try move, over and over I tried each time I MOVED I WAS smelling them there tasting them  and violent pain engulfing my groin my bottom I was been traumatized and hell new why….for two and half hours we tried over and over till I could move and get grounded.   I don’t know its over im incredibly sore like iv had seizures for the two half hours and feelings well experiencing this are very fragile  she continues to hurt so badly  and I don’t understand it at all!

Anxiety as it grows

Ya i know over the months ive spoken heaps of my anxiety but its definitly something im needing to talk about!

How it manifests so quickly from stuff im so use to doing is now my biggest fear…..today hubby wanted me to go with to buy computer paper,in the trip he quickly wanted to drop stuff off at the waste management place,and buy some weekly stuff as its the boys birthdays,we needed it…..but within minutes i was overwhelmed by anxiety and my latest is wanting to burst out scream shout and cry i cant do it anymore my heart pounds to the extent it hurts so badly! On that note i got a specialist appointment this week for the cardiologist iv been having extreme episodes of pain ,but just this week to hubby lost his job and our medical is on hold ,i can go to the government hospital but i ll wait months for an appointment…,today i had the bloods done,so im hoping they come back ok!

Clonozepam meds has become a friend once again ,as i wonder around our house at night i realize im alone in this and no matter how use to the family are seeing this they dont understand they cant rescue me…the meds leaves me exhausted and feeling odd.

“IM ALONE” Been alone now days with less stimuli is better than the constant pressure of acting im ok …my regular meds still has little effect in helping and im not sure really what im meant to be doing about it? The mind twirls and really tries hard to make sense of stuff i cant feel ,from my head down to my toes im alone once again in my mess!

Today a very first i looked up movies on cptsd so i could maybe help the kids understand ,and hubby to….but then i got scared …numerous fears arose my dad arrives in march and i wasn’t wanting the kids to shun him  more ,also my oldest is 20 on Tuesday and a very sensitive young adult,he leaves to move to wellington at the end of February to start a career in flight attending would this leave him more worried and vulnerable? Would this leave many more un answered questions ? I dont really know, but i did say 2015 was the year i revealed it to the people who needed to know my pain that they never helped to stop it …dad is gonna a first and that child is feeling !

Protected: My way of feeling

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Protected: Panic attacks in full

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