Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to  say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I  stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

voices in my head

I

 

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Dear May month Please pass quickly !!”

  1. Take care of yourself. You have suffered a lot and need your own kindness and compassion. Remember that you have the strength and courage to see yourself through this rough patch as you have always done and you will emerge stronger.

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  2. Hold on mate, hold on in there. Evenings drawing in, storms, harder weather to get around in, adds to the stress and to your mood. Everything feels more gloomy, more hard work more isolating. But know you’re safe, that you’re going memories. It’s a process. Be gentle with yourself. Take things easier. Make sure you do more things that make you feel safe and that you enjoy. We just got Netflix so I watch favourite movies and get into new series and do a ‘Netflix binge’ as the Americans call it. It’s something small and simple but it’s my time and let’s me take my head off. Yours might be reading, knitting, listening to music, anything for some revival time. You will ride this storm. You’re stronger than you think you are xx

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  3. Oh Lisa, though you feel ‘he’ groomed you for life, I hope that you can not let ‘him’ continue to have that power over you in your thoughts. Instead let your mind over and over tell you, that you are not that child anymore… you now have the authority and strength to dismiss ‘him’ for the lowliest creature he was/is…. Concentrate if you can on the fact you are loved by so many … especially God.. … Soak in that thought to dispel the ones that have haunted you for so many years… Love Diane xxx

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