Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!
As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper ,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt she’d hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom or dad to visit and hang around waiting for me as she almost felt my pain the connection was crazy!!
We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.
“TO BE BROKEN TWICE”
to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .
Unfortunately Jo disappointed me more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens is im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!