Tag Archives: remembering pain

It’s been 24 hours¬†

It’s literally little longer now than 24 hours since my screaming teenager self started to protest she started talking so loud angrily at my younger self I remember it all.

I’m exhausted with no sleep she refused me.. and I’m only starting to be in control at 1pm in the afternoon

All I can say is it’s incredibly draining listening to the babbling on on onūüė£SCREAMING FOR ME TO STOP

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Roller-coaster of emotions 

Yesterday therapy went ok ..guess what jeanique is saying it doesn’t necessarily mean something happened with dad and me as a little girl,honestly all I remember is screaming when he climbed into a bath with me age 8 actually he had been in the bath a while further more my numb brain can retrieve no more “That’s scary” what will come later on!

Jeanique also says that the feelings I experienced as a young child been sexually abused for so long ..it’s important to remember those early feelings of the abuse I carry every were now as an adult even though I’m not in danger anymore, my reaction remains the same and for that piece EMDR will reprogram my brain slowly! Hooray to thatūüĎć

We spoke about more present activities we doing together and have also come up with a plan to work on pressing stuff for apart of therapy then move for 15 min to the more present stuff activities. .

Yesterday leaving therapy I felt ok my understood her explanation of why I think more happened later was exhausted extremely tired and honestly last night I was fast to sleep from 9 till 10 am this morning -when all of a sudden I was woken feeling yuk violated and a numb brain I tried gathering my thoughts but unsuccessfully I was so nausea and fragile ūüėĘ I layed there till lunch time feeling through feelings and as the day progressed I’m moving slowly around,iv just showered and its a hell of a lot of effort iv tried cleaning doing half jobs and then finding I’m back in bed then I try again and so my day has gone. 

Brian came home and has seen me battling and has organized a weekend with our friends in palmy to relax after dad has left I’m trying to feel ok going but also feel like I’m pleasing him but I’m hoping it’ll be good for me too ..

I’m home till Wednesday ūüėē

Part 5 of family addiction and sexual abuse” My time in a children’s home”

Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!

As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper¬†,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt¬†she’d¬†hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom¬†or dad to visit and hang around¬† waiting for me¬†as she almost felt ¬†my pain the connection was crazy!!

We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver¬†needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.

“TO BE BROKEN TWICE”

to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .

Unfortunately Jo disappointed me¬†more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or¬† stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens¬† is ¬†im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!

Dealing with Distress Group

So two weeks ago I started this group work ,called dealing with distress¬† however iv told you about my first session and my week of hell this is were im at now —

Is this possible I ask myself without even being able to answer It myself, crazy as it sounds –YESTERDAY =¬†A fabulous day

Dissociation  was far from me I noticed so much driving to group that actually at some point I thought I was lost lol this is so true -excited to get started I shared my crap week or a week of hell were others so could relate to my ups and downs which of course in its own makes a difference never questioned my craziness .Another ASPECT =yesterday me staying with my feelings which to contributed to a good feeling of being in control my brain was been very co operative=HOORAY as this seldom happens for me!

 

After Group this lady walked out chatting to me and a guy from group joined in from behind, the lady left and we continued to chat and said goodbye as I reached my car and climbed in I felt oozy,drained and nausea and as I sat in the warmth of my car accepting there’s a trigger, my brain partially recaptured the sexual abuse the smell of deodorant the smell of¬†sperm¬†and feeling emotions¬†¬† I actually started to cry but also became still and no vomiting accured ¬†,with great excitement I write telling you all this as my battle has been for a long time projectile vomiting at smells ,noises and even people=incredible ,stress resentment and hatred to myself always questioning, when next .

But today presents a question in its own , as I have not slept now for 28 hours ,what is happening usually no sleep =down ward spiral fast could yesterdays so awake brain be a distant memory fast ?I don’t wont to loose yesterday ,but im incredibly wide awake I walked patches at 6;30 on the beach did breakfast and then walked him again ,cleaned the house did the washing ,took a warm shower and¬†yet still im ¬†incredibly high…..im scared but so hanging onto yesterdays feeling of really living!!

Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to¬† say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying¬†, I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma¬†with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I ¬†stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

voices in my head

I

 

 

 

 

Fragmented mind

glass

Its been absolute terror feeling¬†¬†way like¬†a fragmented mind ….Im those actual pieces of glass just falling to the ground….

Does anyone understand me ?

Does anyone hear me?

Each one carrying  a personality of its own

Im loosing this mind trying so drastically to hold onto normality

But the reality of normality is long gone they tell me,

The pain however ever never goes

But does anyone actually know how lost this fragmented mind is and how important searching for her normality is?

I just don’t understand why searching for normality is so far and hard to find!

Has anyone seen her complete?

 

 

Two of me [Dissociation]

 

So Last night I managed afterwards to get myself a little together enough to get some dinner into me and try focus a little ¬†-I was extremely cold freezing my inner body was taking on a new perspective¬†of feeling…I knew at this point im doing something wrong and I began to feel two me develop again as I become dissociated ¬†with my surroundings at this point smell of there bodies arose and I could even taste them [YUK] my body groaned as tried hard to¬†just to move to safety of warmth¬†, I filled my water bottle and stumbled off to bed I did get a hot shower in and it was here I began again with another panic attack!

shaking and only a top on I fell under my covers trying to breath my chest wasn’t letting up it was under pressure of the human hand ,then our house phone rings I ignore it I don’t have energy to move and besides talking to my husband and explaining what happened seems to be hard besides I don’t want to worry him.

I must have fell asleep because I woke with shaking and vomited all over our bed in fear of what my body felt like¬†¬†every thing felt so wrong ,the taste of there seaman in my mouth the body odour the pain in my bottom “WHY ME ” If only my family stopped them ,except I was there victim to!

Mary rang from support line I don’t know why¬†? I don’t remember her saying she would ,but the fact was I never answered earlier when I wasn’t wanting to talk so it happened to be the right time she did, though still I don’t make actual sense it was after 1am think even 1;20 she stayed the entire fucked up piece of me through , breathing ,grounding checking in she stayed she even said I love you ell do this together to the end “WHY” I cant understand….I don’t believe enough that today i can actually even function ….the other half of me is present and im exhausted¬†and im¬†sick and weary

I AM DONE