Tag Archives: self care

Rolling skies means rolling moods!

Have you ever watched the skies as the weather changes? ,lately as I watch I see myself ,I feel myself in either utter turmoil or peace like the winds have died down and I can relax!

The weeks that have past have been extremely busy with either fighting my illness or screaming that God will here my prayers over my family as they fight for there lives -My sister in laws husband is deteriorating fast last weekend was admitted to icu his lung colapased the cancer is spreading fast ,his become confused. .I’m lost on how to help other than a phone calls and texts of love then there’s the fact my mom’s body is refusing it’s new body parts in fact it’s hating it ,a blood transfusion was given her white cells are over the moon and iron count is so so low in the interim they testing for cancer too she’s had it before but there’s alerts that her bone density is extremely weak. .-then there was my sister she was diagnosed out of pure luck with a rapid fast growing cancer a few weeks ago she had calcified cells and then they found this cancer she had a tumor removed now she faces at 48 yrs of age a double mastectomy – its hard watching my family all around fight!

Last week was my turn I had a phychiatrist appointment that as usual is always brutal ..my feelings around getting his support was as suspected he isn’t seeing me anymore as I don’t take meds (Thanks dr I appreciate your care idiot ) sorry but I would have thought I’d get some after care as I asked very clearly please just support me well I try ,if it fails I need that buffer close by I won’t notice it’s failing! All that and he was only concerned about my heart irregularly beating -Thursday my gp saw me as I got up to walk over into her room she said you not looking happy? Mmm I’m probably not after a hour appointment of crying voicing my concerns hearing jacque say her concerns I somehow felt she’d be there and we understood one another around the meds so she sent me for a ecg the only thing at present is my heart beat is slow so I’ll know next week as jacque wants to see me weekly or fortnightly depending on how I feeling mentally.
This was all last week the week proir Thursday I had wrap and therapy and I think been honest helped it been a great day I even walked patches with Nikita lol a cat that followed, but then from Friday it down hilled fast and whole of last week ,iv been left with new script for meds to think about and as I’m not giving in yet …I’ll just leave it there!😫

This weekend I’m looking after my sick family they been awake all night coughing and now im gonna make breakfast and just continue to try chill.😷:(😪:twisted::roll:

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Back at therapy with great confusion!

Im not sure if I told yous but just before the year ended my therapist that I had emailed and ended therapy with ,had requested yet again we meet and talk things through….things we spoke about were greatly how she works and how it reflects the abuse iv been through in many different forms, there was lots of feelings bouncing around and at some stage this woman felt genuine or was I miss reading the feelings? its never been something iv been good at ,mostly my up bringing I craved just been love , but also blamed myself greatly for the abuse and when this woman got up and hugged me …I needed it ,and it felt good a feeling of never wanting to let go!

This week she emailed to set up new times ,firstly our days had changed ,and anxiety has greatly grown over the months since late October till now so much so im continuously  aware and hyper vigilant im living on meds…so changing days upset me greatly ! I arrived just on time on Tuesday  to find her door locked my heart pounding, mind racing .what was going on had I missed a call email?

trying to think rationally  left my heart was racing so bad I needed meds so back to the car I walked took meds and checked to see if I had missed her call or email NOTHING! I waited and slowly walked back 10 min later still wondering? This time her door was open it looked like she was late herself ,no apology but she greeted , I came in and sat down trying hard not to show my anxiety ,she asked how I was I said im trying hard to be ok …but im battling, my body turned towards the door but my face facing her she commented im aware you look like you ready to run, I laughed  definitely not im just comfortable   and my muscles are incredibly sore I had two panic attacks already…ok but right now how do you feel ,tired anxious ….

no you don’t try again why are you saying im wrong ? I no how I feel and this just feels like you making me say things that im not ..lisa stop putting it on me answer in you ..by  now I was getting annoyed! Well you tell me what I feel then ..no I asked you to check in..m honest in my anxiety and sore body so im not gonna try tell you something else.if I say lisa if you don’t turn and and face me engage properly you can leave what will you do …probably leave maybe ?  Tell me why you came to me ? to change some things  , what …well definitely to become more connected and deal with some real issues around the abuse ,sex ,intimacy with my husband,  And I think mostly be okay about my past and stop fighting with myself in these episode’s of panic! she laughs gently you know im right ….turn yourself now sit up and look at me …I battle to do it it takes minutes im breathing fast ..im no threat you ok ..fuck I know try telling my body I respond….lisa you ok Now do it…. I do it and start to cry ..fuck her !!!!

I think you scared fuck off I respond again I wanna run badly ..what you feeling to do ,RUN or walk around, well I don’t want you to move..

How come I feel so bewildered ,she says she wants me to feel myself what I feel right there and then, I say anxious she says no I say I don’t really no then I keep trying to look at her but its a staring game driving me insane awkward  …keep trying , I eventually loose myself and say it doesn’t matter what I say you don’t like my answer …you not trying FUCK ..as I now scared frightened ? I cry she leans forward to look at me its ok well keep trying….tell me how you feel about me ..nothing I say ,she smiles I feel warm just seeing you …I frown how come!

I try sit and just breath we do it together and suddenly I feeling lighter ,I mention what been connected feels like for me its softer and lighter less heavy she comments that she likes the expression. She keeps making me check feelings but it makes me wanna cry and I begin again..

she tells me that shes glad I never went else were because maybe someone would just except my way of feeling and never teach me anymore or maybe walk away from me ! I laugh and say silently in my head it wouldn’t be a first!

Iv been left keeping track of gentleness and trying to harbor less hatred in all aspects but hell its hard ….to in my process im dealing with hubby loosing his job and its growing my anxiety

opening up

Its being a long and hard for me and I guess others in the family too as they watch and try support… I was asked this week as I met up with someone who’s walked in  my journey for some years, what will this year look like ?…..in all honesty I have the feeling to talk more up more than I ever have….there’s this 7 year old who’s tired of being suppressed , undermined and what ever else you’d like to call it….its now my turn to rise !

My emotions are very roar and some point this week Iv felt like it might be an attack rather than voicing my thoughts on how people who let me down and abused me …or is this me just me thinking again I don’t want to  hurt others ,that piece has been a huge obstacle In my recovery….Dammit my life revolved around been abused from being sexually abused to been physically abused ,manipulated put down, taken advantage of and even loosing my family .and  I question whether ill hurt these people  ?Im the one hurting im the one who has triggers ,nightmares, dissociates from my real self, im the one who battles with mental health issues to now …..I want to scream to my abusers on top of voice that I  think each one of you should battle these things ,not me!

Iv asked my support person to make contact for therapy to begin again and by sounds of things its going to happen soon next week, even as I write I know I should feel relief but im heavy and very teary eyed breathing is hard its like its always trying to move through my throat the words echo in my head but no real sound comes out…Its like suffocating on my own! There’s something about suffocating on my own that reminds me of the rape, and never being able to talk even now im never ok after just trying to get some of the stuff out they did to me …actually im fine talking at first then hours later it hits and im brutally taken back, cripple for days as I try crawl out…theres periods I need to talk about this piece but once was enough to crawl and its just to hard to figure out how.

 

Ending of day two beginning day three

Late yesterday afternoon a lady joined seemed pretty normal. .well no brain injury at least. .it wasn’t long when it was carting all her precession with up and down the stairs I became aware she was anxious. .then she would get up sit down multiple times asking do we go upstairs now or were..any were clare you can move around were you like oh ok! Grrr
Then she was following me then a new staff came on and she started that lady is screaming is she dying. .oh by then fuck off I wanna just dye..leave me!
I started having a panic attack  and the new staff noticed I’m fine thank you but I wasn’t. ..
I had to get prn and honestly I had no choice I walked the farm in the semi darkness till 11 pm I was told try sleep. .

Night dragged and I fell asleep  and was woken again  by clare up down eventually I got up to see if I could help but staff were all around and people were talking loud. ..they noticed I was stressed “me to myself this could be you lis” calm down!

I was woken at 8 by Kerry  a lady in her early 60s. ..humbleness comes to mind to describe Kerry. .I came down got breakfast and went to get meds were we spoke briefly about clare. .it was that moment as we spoke she felt I battled I broke down and cried she gently spoke you can do this journey stopping and taking care of you is a must ,ask others to move away nicely tell clare you healing to..I can’t
You can you important to lis I’m here till four today and I’ll be walking with you stop running nurture just you starting today!
She’s just fetched me from my room to do a college on my pain and moving forward how it will look? I don’t have a clue. ..
Maybe her gentleness is my beginning!