Sign of the Times https://g.co/kgs/IdwSci
This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!
My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.
Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!
I DESERVE TO HURT
The days continue in turmoil for me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?
Im aware as family tell me how bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do” often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !
Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!
This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.
This week iv had strange thoughts even though my husband shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything. As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for me at respite and meds related too they are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.
My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !
So two weeks ago I started this group work ,called dealing with distress however iv told you about my first session and my week of hell this is were im at now —
Is this possible I ask myself without even being able to answer It myself, crazy as it sounds –YESTERDAY = A fabulous day
Dissociation was far from me I noticed so much driving to group that actually at some point I thought I was lost lol this is so true -excited to get started I shared my crap week or a week of hell were others so could relate to my ups and downs which of course in its own makes a difference never questioned my craziness .Another ASPECT =yesterday me staying with my feelings which to contributed to a good feeling of being in control my brain was been very co operative=HOORAY as this seldom happens for me!
After Group this lady walked out chatting to me and a guy from group joined in from behind, the lady left and we continued to chat and said goodbye as I reached my car and climbed in I felt oozy,drained and nausea and as I sat in the warmth of my car accepting there’s a trigger, my brain partially recaptured the sexual abuse the smell of deodorant the smell of sperm and feeling emotions I actually started to cry but also became still and no vomiting accured ,with great excitement I write telling you all this as my battle has been for a long time projectile vomiting at smells ,noises and even people=incredible ,stress resentment and hatred to myself always questioning, when next .
But today presents a question in its own , as I have not slept now for 28 hours ,what is happening usually no sleep =down ward spiral fast could yesterdays so awake brain be a distant memory fast ?I don’t wont to loose yesterday ,but im incredibly wide awake I walked patches at 6;30 on the beach did breakfast and then walked him again ,cleaned the house did the washing ,took a warm shower and yet still im incredibly high…..im scared but so hanging onto yesterdays feeling of really living!!
Its been quite a while since the anniversary of our family trauma ,and though in hind site I survived that weekend ….this last week has changed Monday a week ago my therapist began EMDR therapy with me and though I was excited to tackle the issues plaguing me ,I knew there would be some feelings arising and knocking me in the face !
In short between Monday and Thursday things changed dramatically for me ..not easier but I was once again in a place that my body and mind didn’t resist I gave in and nurtured this body and soul and with it came odd pieces of taking care of me again like walking my dogs enjoying the little sun reading , I even attempted the home work for EMDR !
UNTIL -dreaded Friday arrived and I was left uncontrollably different sobbing crying with my left side shaking thank goodness there was no work for me I had past the previous week with a horrendous amount of hours avoiding mostly anything or any triggers but on Friday it wasn’t about to leave easily so I rang my therapist freaking out that something major was wrong I was going to die Anxiety hadn’t been this high in agers …between us we tried little pieces of possibly making tea well I spoke to her I couldn’t move I think at this point I literally screamed well shaking uncontrollably..at this point or some a work man came to our house to do work and I left to try get him sorted drained he might have thought I was hung over but fxxk I really couldn’t have cared. There after two friends arrived in the interim and stayed and had coffee but when they saw the state I was in I think they thought best to exit fast ..it really felt so!
They had no sooner left I remained panicky and wondered about outside why it felt so threating? the phone rang it was my therapist once again ,we continued this time she wanted me to walk the dogs ,I was happy to say now well I write I point blank could not have done so ..gardening I was going to try just a little …sad part none of the above could I do between Friday and Sunday iv been house bound my anxiety immediately rises the minute I need to go out ….
With a heap of help I HATE ASKING “” I slowly began seeing the outside again yesterday and every noise tremor seems louder than before also had to return to work last night as on call would not replace me grrr wonderful people they are ,its interesting as for the many years doing sleep overs iv never heard the noises I heard last and they only increased my anxiety more….well im home now im due back at work in an half hour for another sleep over and then a whole day vocationally tomorrow and im trying to take care and also get over the anxiety of the outside world, I do wonder if it will settle soon though?
ITS HURTING AGAIN !
Its the month of may I loth self worthlessness arises !
I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out
I resist it
fighting with all my being
tired or not ,
I refuse to feel its pain
it never fails to be different
how could I be changed for life ?
I was groomed from age 3 by him,
a thought that prevails is sickening
in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again
I never asked for it …
but instead it was presented to me
a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !
There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..
I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”
WHAT WHO KNOWS”
As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….