Awakening brain verses numb brain

The days continue in turmoil for  me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?

Im aware as family tell me how  bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do”  often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven  to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !

 

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