I’m panic stricken and exhausted as things lie …we off to new Plymouth to support my husband’s sister tommorow things have got really bad we looking at two three weeks left now…my sister will under go double mastectomy Monday and mom is in so much pain she wants to end her life….
Well I battle friday i smashed my head in to the window and it bounced back into my arm leaving me rithing in pain ,I want to be able to be there for our family “but” I’m battling and I’m hating my sudden feelings of panic attacks ,today I shouted at becs during therapy to stop well talking about mom and then I battled to breathe and had to leave …what failure I feel 😭the feeling is just exchausting and horrible!
I’m at war at present. ..it sucks I stopped meds on the anniversary of my trauma I wanna be ok ,why the hell do I need meds for something that was never my fault! :'(They say I need it for chemical in balance in my brain but the war is so strong I can’t except it ..ya just in February I ended in hospital and respite for three weeks due to server highs and low …now I’ve just stopped sleeping yesterday I’m hyperactive I can’t relax and to crown it all every one is against me “take meds or we leaving in all this is my family and my therapist!
Today’s war with Becs the therapist goes like this..
Well its ur choice to stop ..but I’m sad as ur day to day experience will become worse,I don’t understand y u ceased to stop as u likely to deteriorate badly. .
My reply I just wanna be normal I’m sick of taking meds to help I can try ..I don’t wanna be like my mother an addict and I wanna be NORMAL! !
I JUST WANTED MY FAMILY TO SUPPORT ME DOING THIS WITH OUT MEDS…
Becs reply …then prove u ok to us all..go well bec
I’m trying to make others see my logic is so incredibly hard everyone of my support wanna run😤
What the hell ????
The days continue in turmoil for me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?
Im aware as family tell me how bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do” often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !
It’s been nearly on two weeks and I’m heading off home from respite. ..I’m greatful for all ..I’m sensitive still but can’t wait to be home .
Sleep has little improved so my journey will continue to be mine step by step feeling my way through this!
For now the lady that activated my anxiety this afternoon I hope she manages some how and finds piece.
Thank you for walking alongside me all
So tonight I moved rooms upstairs it’s bigger and more air,there’s nothing fancy but they clean or clinical rooms should I say ….
Last night I fought the battle alone without staff and refused most meds what a failure .My prestance to persue a panic attack on my own wasn’t bright I hung on shook like hell until 10 I tried taking myself off too sleep actually I only got a hour if that..from midnight I remained awake watching staff, traffic anything actually until 7 am handover were i showered had breakfast and took myself off to town found a pharmacy for my antihistamines and then Registered at the local library getting a book out,during the early hours of the morning I had written important things to my well being down came back and past out fast to sleep dreaming of drugs and people having sex all over ,I woke for lunch at 12 only to be told that the clinical team were here twice for me and nobody could wake me “wow ” crazy
After lunch I read listen to music and cried and cried hubby and I spoke and his reassurance around getting well and supporting me was there ..”why the hell we fight about it then I don’t know ”
Nonetheless this evening is normally my worst but this evening I ventured and asked a young mom in her early 30s if she’d like to walk with me on the sports grounds she was incredibly happy to do so …and meds iv taken in full :'(I’m still very unsure and scared!
So all in all tonight I progressed baby steps 👍now the next milestone is sleeping 😴
Yesterday so much happened, after the interview vicki took me i broke down she had my prn clonozepam and I hung on until I got in at respite. .later I could feel my anxiety taking over I had tried walking around and by this stage it was rising rapidly I approached a staff to talk it through and she said…
“Im busy well talk later when I got time ”
I felt so alone that ending it all came over heavily so when she saw me two hours later I was bleeding, shouting at me she told me she doesn’t have time for this and forced a male staff to help,
I was overdosed by her and taken to hospital I feel sick
My brain took over and no help was given, she was rude demanding talking done on me as I wept she vigorously wiped blood away called a clinician who instructed her to give me 4x my dose of antiphychotic meds within minutes i was paralyzed heart racing and a ambulance was called, there was no doubt I was overdosed because the bloody clinician wouldn’t come see me,the gentle st Johns paramedic reassured me and all through the night i was taken care at middlemore hospital until the syptoms had just about worn off,now the effects are tight sore muscles and blurred eye sight as i stumble around groggy and angry I try fight the demons that want me to end my life ,noise hypervigalance are aggravating it …
Nothing has changed with my mom and that continues to hurt or worry me i don’t wanna be alone and we continue to misunderstand one another my thought process just can’t handle it