The Blind side of me

There’s a Blind side to my pain that arising and its very overwhelming like there’s so much at present im battling  my brain seems to take it in differently .This week my boss informed me my contract comes to an end 28 January I questioned it what it meant and at present till there numbers are at 50 overall in the centre I would be coming back mmmma big sense of relief as my boy has been sick and is still battling im now on another path of feeling without meds and its challenging ,however im grateful for the opportunity of going back to teaching and have empathy for those littlies battling with transion themselves ,its been great sharing love in a tender way. My younger boy received his report at school Thursday and he has frontal lobe damage and this year third term we moved to a new city and school he had played a big part in looking out for me during our alone time well hubby started work in Auckland and there after hubbies accident he helped heaps with the move and then his new school what was I expecting he was sick in hospital all as exams started for his year 10 ,Yet I prevailed to yell and get incredibly angry when he showed me his report ,telling him off for no effort or determination! HOW DARE I …Friday it plagued me ,the pain I was inflicting on a child my child that had gone through all we had this year ,I came home apologized and chatted around how actually in hind site the school had taken nothing into account of his intellectual disability or his dyslexia -but next year his moving to a practical setting which he cant wait he was recently excepted at MIT “MAKAU INSTISTUTE OF TECHNOLOGY “to study boat building his passion.Hubby arrived home to BBQ and climb into he spa I wasn’t feeling great but after much I climbed in for an hour or so climbing out and feeling YUK  I showered and tried getting to grips what was going on hubby wasn’t to perturbed about my job ,something new will arise we spoke about nick and his school hubby agreed he had been through heaps next year would change for him academically, so what was it then ???I started crying frantically until it hit me when I gave up fighting My old key worker Michelle and I are still friends and last week in a chat she mentioned my psychologist Marlize is leaving and going private and to email her ,crazy I felt after receiving an email from her the loss was all so great again And I don’t understand my feelings !!! Crying has been huge so off I went and took meds ,this cant be it knocked me out only to be woken with hubby cuddling me and a strong need for sexual touch all in half a sleep the passion was immense. Then falling asleep I dreamt I was been raped by a family member actually on hubbies side of the family I watched as he groped and entered me all from a distance  I enjoyed something sickening .Wakening to a feeling of been sick I dragged my body around only wanting to cry more and rage ,hubbys away fishing in a competition  so I pushed to clean and hang washing well my son cleaned up hubbys boxes  from our move months ago in the garage.

Ifinally crashed to watch touched by an angel ,were there the angel was telling the woman she was raped because god gave free will to his people he didn’t send them to do these things,And wow I crying in anger and pain again fuck these people I don’t know to make me any stronger but im battling each and every day but trying God to forgive ! Then next came some post well hubby was unemployed last year this time iv been battling to catch up on debt only to told im in default now ,im trying to breath but anxiety is certainly full on waiting for a panic attack.

I’m so Angry it’s there full on it burst out when I least expect it i just raged at my boy about a simple thing he was talking about I can’t explain it it’s like it just  merges from deep in me ,wanted to throw the glass it wasn’t till he walked away I calmed down ,I’m exhausted from pure anxiety growing in me ..some pieces are fitting my illness I’m scared to say or deal with now!


10 thoughts on “The Blind side of me”

  1. Dear friend,
    Your life is in chaos, look in the mirror and think hard. What are you depriving yourself, son and husband.
    You are cycling which is a very dangerous place leaving you to turn manic or take a dive. I say each word because I care. I’ve backed off, but can’t stand to see you suffer. Bipolar is a cycle, if balanced correctly your life is more in control.
    I’m here and reading your post hoping for a better day.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You have to wade thru shit to get to paradise. You made the best decision. Remember, meds take 2 months on ave. to reach full potention. Don’t quit to early. You could be two days away from feeling better. Commit to a year, make changes whatever he wants. Your at the front end sweetie and it takes open communication. With every meds, ask him what side effects, how long in general to reach peak. Be open minded about adding drugs or changing. You deserve so much, life will help your son’s life. Fix on goal. Expect to crawl at times. I know you can do it, I believe in you 100%.


      2. You’ll get there. The beginning is the hardest, slowly goes up hill from here. I’ve sleep through many days, crying, you name it. I’m here and it’s not from always wanting to be. Get on your knes and get you bible, read about the struggles of Jesus. He had much more shit than we ever will.
        All you have to do is ask and he’ll be right at your side. Not making life easy, giving you his ear, walking by your side.


      3. Know you are very depressed on the cycling cycle.The crap feeling goes away. You will live, many times I felt the same. Diagnosed at 19 yrs old and 52 now. We have to except there are lots of rocks to push uphill. You have no choice but to do what doctor says. Don’t be afraid to have a strong backbone with a few questions. No questions lead to much frustration.
        When you’re a little better, volunteer at a Senior Home for a couple of hours. Then go treat yourself to spa treatment, hang at book store. Everything you do to move forward is not in vain. It feels that way but moving forward in small steps is much better than throwing your hands up. You’ll never know who you are now that you’ve grown so much. Don’t focus on how hard as much as possible. Skip rocks at a lake, feed the ducks, anything to feed your soul.
        Always thinking of you.


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