Tag Archives: family abuse

Been torn apart ,my mom the druggie

my mom is a drug addict addicted to all and every pain medication there is …But she’s been free for few years

But recently I detected her slurry voice and when I mentioned it my sister told me nonsense you exaggerate…

Tonight she rang to apologize mom is bad

After years of her hating neglecting and abuse it still hurts like fucking she’ll be my mom there for me to hold love like a mom should..why do I expect it? she allowed the rapes and abuse why would it change

BUT I WANT A MOM fuck you mom

So it comes out on me

I feel crippled exhausted hatred anger

I just wanna be held told I love you

But guess it never will.

Johnny and Can are around my alters but can has taken to asking many questions usually she never talks Johnny does all that but she’s full on..in my midst of separation again.

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Living childhood memories 

As the days have gone on and we’ve taken dad around our little town and some other outings iv been incredibly greatful to my husband who has shaparoned him here there and every were …my older son has left to go back home and has arrived safely all have time with grandpa ..except me!

Yesterday I had a full day alone with dad family around but they did there own things, and these feelings arouse. .feelings of been touched feelings of utter Chringing, nausea most of all to run and cry sobb. .a few years back I managed to be up front about my abuse from a cousin and multiple friends to dad it took hurendous courage I remember a friend talking with me on my blog Skype and email i battled back and forth between the bathroom and trying to begin ,we prayed I was scared. .now I’m experiencing a flash back of bathing with dad and stuff happening ..the days im experiencing panic attacks and a urge to sit and cry ..how will he take it will he ever return? 

Tomorrow I see jeanique I’m not going I can’t begin to explain this pain ..how much more will arise to cope with! 

I have lots going on at work and I’d rather drown myself there as he leaves Thursday morning early. 

Work I know I can only do for so long as the anniversary date comes closer I’m going on leave to cope alone rather!

Part 3 of inbedded memories sexual violence and addiction

So well we whisked to dads to live and subjected to his brutality of been hit across the head many times in a day when we never answered his questions how he thought the answer should be our pain and resentment grew bigger for hating our only family .

At this stage my sister was out of home I think waiting to get married in the next few months coming ,but dad brought her to into this except she was quite forceful in her conversations with him ,but never felt like we were been protected by her either,though who knows maybe she thought she was been protective? So well living there I often had fights with my step mom who strangely I liked she was much younger than my dad except in her frustration she would put me through brutality over mom and our clothes how they never matched up to dads expectations, they were in all honesty old tattered and torn we were like street children!

In this time mom was again in rehab and dad had began to through her finances , health records and pharmacy accounts and Dr visits notify all of her fraudulent activity….Ya you guess correct mom came home from rehab got a new place cheaper to rent only to find out all this that dad had done well the words flew like eagles of the skies dad started making us walk to the train station together meaning me and my brothers and without fail each morning he would be there watching standing on the platform to see us climb on STRANGE who makes there kids walk 15min to a station and then they there??? But it wasn’t hard to fathom out why he was going to take us for good from mom and I had heard many stories at night and during the day to his lawyer around custody rights and our well being ,ya we would have had food ,clothes and money and a permanent roof over our head ,but still no love or trust ..WE WERE STILL BROKEN KIDS! During the day after school we often were dropped at my aunt his sister the cousin that sexually abused me daily ,though now living further apart before dad stepping in things were at a minimal of only holiday sexual brutality ,dad was quite well off owning three of his own business so often my cousins were invited with and id be subjected to his sexual needs..but with now dad having us it felt like it was daily again and some how I didn’t protest anymore I was at his service as gross as it sounds his wishes I did as told=always still that piece internally saying if dad new he would kill me and at 15 still believed it.

At this stage my step mom and dad were only engaged and I guess she was young had no kids and the daunting thoughts of these kids coming into a new marriage was extremely hard..So around this dad began to talk to me about boarding school I cried said no put up fights I was incredibly home sick kid and was feeling the effects of this life big time ,and so was released back into moms care, the boys remained with dad for a while longer. It wasn’t long and we were altogether again the boys come a few weeks later all seemed ok,and then mom started been drugged out of her mind again sleeping ll hour of day never there driving under the influence ,this particular day my older brother now probably 10 I think got into a fight with mom and kicked her in the breast full on mom slapped him and days went on as we used to until it was down hill ,mom was at my grandmothers when she found a lump in her breast I was there I remember thinking DRAMA QUEEN my grandmother mad her make an appointment were the Dr drew fluid off the breast sent it away…In between this the crazy uncle moms brother was in the bathroom supposedly having anxiety attack but needing his two years help I just remember her screaming and him saying its ok darling [Fuck …he was sexually abusing her too] The next day I arrived home from school we went to my aunty moms sister when the Dr called mom was scheduled for a mastectomy cancer was present.

So again the boys went to my dad and I luckily got out of it and stayed at my sister mom had a full breast removed and all her glands pretty scary now at the thought ! A few days later I was sent home with mom to care for her my uncle been the driver for Dr visits etc .That night of moms first night home was my ending to my sexual abuse except I didn’t know it yet ….mom layed zonked out of her mind on painkillers that night me in my room sleeping I was woken with a large 8foot man on my back ,i tried pushing him off but nothing budged him I became aware it was my uncle  ,he grabbed hold of my hair well I fought and with another hand held his hand over my mouth well he penetrated me anally kissing my neck I wasn’t gonna give up this fight…..

DAY 2 OF MY NEW MEDS INCREASE

Last night was day two of increase in meds sleep never came easy its penalizing me more the meds than helping with sleep ..I woke briefly from a dream he was there trying to keep me from my family well walking he was in-between threating me if I tell ill suffer I was petrified even when I opened my eyes to see our room I couldn’t move still. Now this afternoon my key worker rang not hearing a word how meds makes me feel and shutting me down ..until I said Angela it doesn’t matter what meds my mom was addicted to hear me im petrified ,as a response all I got was mmm ill tell the Dr again.

Day one – of talking

Last night at dinner there first night here my son asked questions about me  growing up , my dad spoke about my imaginary friends I use to play with. ..immediately i wanted to scream  (because nobody ever listened to me) but of course I couldn’t tears even welled but I managed to push them to down ,I got up went to the toilet and had to breath funny no vomiting yet ..but I think emailing from the toilet was my savior knowing somebody heard me.

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During the day I sensed dad waiting for me to talk but I couldn’t I was to anxious. .
Tonight at dinner after a south African braai (fire ) my step mom brought up electronics and the need to have a better updated phone as anything can happen at home well overseas. .dad said immediately he wasn’t interested and somewhere she said look what happened a few years back when your children and ex wife were hijacked. .tears welling in both our eyes dad avoided  this got up and went inside -we in pain our evening went very sensitive. .do we have loads more to talk about, our family has buried loads of pain were will it end ?
I’m incredibly greatful for support to get through this visit and I’m hoping still to be able to talk about my abuse it’s very important to my healing but time will be every thing. .I actually felt again tonight to tell my step mom first but I chickened out ….

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