Tag Archives: biopolar anxiety

Uncertainty and fear

The weeks are relentlessly painful in terms of guessing who will stay by my side …people or humans are strange we either don’t verbalize we leaving or we do it screaming guns and roses. ..iv had ups and downs concentration been a bummer and then anxiety and a plus sex a must to reduce anxiety wow how lucky hubby thinks he is strangely it’s something iv always hated and still do 😨how could I explain other than visions been to awful of the past and yet an mixture of liking the feeling as it seems nice ..oddly all child like ,but for me truly it reduces my anxiety hugely at present IT’S A MUST !

Last week I started getting sick with the flu and iv manage slowly through it as i only work 1 to 2 hours a day now honestly I can’t manage longer as anxiety grows and almost kills me..but this week I’m doing 4 hours a day moving from client to client and I fall in the door crying anxiety extremely high till the night falls and I shower eat and go off to our warm bed, sleeping is hard as I feel my heart pounding away so sex it is to reduce my anxiety and I briefly fall asleep exhausted for 3 hours and then I’m hyperactive I’m very wide awake ready for the day so I close the door between rooms and get busy. …
This week tomorrow I meet becs at therapy and I’m worried? ??
My theory of no meds comes and goes around why I’m doing it but I’m always back to the same point iv got to fight for me to survive. .they don’t understand me i don’t want them to see that weak poor me ….that feels like she’s been present at therapy for a few sessions.
My feelings are they always wanna pull me down. .I have wrap program too tomorrow and iv decided fuck them I’m not lying about not taking meds they need to know some people or most I’m sure could survive without meds if really great support is there ,either they except me or PISS OFF …
My husband has decided the first decline in my mental health and his gone this time his done it long enough, shame I am only trying to be true to me and so I’m trying hard ..FUCKING TRUE TO ME!! DO U KNOW I WAKE EVERY MORNING STILL WISHING IT WILL CHANGE MY PAST..NO U DON’T HEY ūüė•
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Why i do not know!

This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!

My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry ¬†iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.

Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!

I DESERVE TO HURT

 

 

I could have been going crazy in night?

Ya I could have been going crazy in the night until ..I felt like a small boat in sea making big waves…these special words my husband said.. he had dropped a card in our post box before leaving for his sister changing  a piece of my fear,last night as i found it:'(

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Sometimes I really think I’m going crazy in the night
When I hide down in the covers and I won’t turn out the light
I think nothing’s gonna get to me but then again it might
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

I need a drink of water but I swallow hard instead
‘Cause it’s hard to move a muscle when you’re frozen in your bed
If I could make it to the phone before I die of fright
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

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Sometimes she really thinks she’s going crazy in the night
When she hides down in the covers and she won’t turn out the light
She says nothing’s gonna get to her but then again it might
What can she do to keep from going crazy in the night?

There’s a monster on my ceiling, there’s a monster on the wall
There are thousands in the closet, now they’re coming down the hall
I’m so hidden they can’t find me but then again they might
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night?

Sometimes she really thinks she’s going crazy in the night
When she hides down in the covers and she won’t turn out the light
She says nothing’s gonna get to her but then again it might
What can she do to keep from going crazy in the night

And if I disappeared, do you think they’d ever look?
Would I be headlines in the paper or the cover of a book?
Got to pull myself together, I don’t want to die of fright
What can I do to keep from going crazy in the night

Sometimes she really thinks she’s going crazy in the night
When she hides down in the covers and she won’t turn out the light
She says nothing’s gonna get to her but then again it might
What can she do to keep from going crazy in the night

Crazy in the night, crazy in the night
Crazy in the night, crazy in the night
Crazy in the night, crazy in the night
SONGWRITERS
KIM CARNES

Awakening Brain

Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously¬† is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!

This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired¬†i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.

This week iv had¬†strange thoughts even though my husband¬†shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately ¬†¬†and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually¬†he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything.¬†As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for¬†me at respite and meds related too they¬†are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.

My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ¬†..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm¬† so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !

I remember that day

Iv thrown it all away, I’m lost without u iv been told im a mess I’m a bladdy big miss without knowing myself. ..
U tried the day u destroyed my life I called me a liar and kicked me down. .now people don’t understand me because of what u made me..I remember that evening those days u broke me the mean acusations ..

Now I’m saying goodbye because I’m a hurdle of confusion

Part 3 of inbedded memories sexual violence and addiction

So well we whisked to dads to live and subjected to his brutality of been hit across the head many times in a day when we never answered his questions how he thought the answer should be our pain and resentment grew bigger for hating our only family .

At this stage my sister was out of home I think waiting to get married in the next few months coming ,but dad brought her to into this except she was quite forceful in her conversations with him ,but never felt like we were been protected by her either,though who knows maybe she thought she was been protective? So well living there I often had fights with my step mom who strangely I liked she was much younger than my dad except in her frustration she would put me through brutality over mom and our clothes how they never matched up to dads expectations, they were in all honesty old tattered and torn we were like street children!

In this time mom was again in rehab and dad had began to through her finances , health records and pharmacy accounts¬†and Dr visits notify all of her fraudulent activity….Ya you guess correct mom came home from rehab got a new place cheaper to rent only to find out all this that dad had done well the words flew like eagles of the skies dad started making us walk to¬†the train station together meaning me and my brothers and without fail each morning he would be there watching standing on the platform to see us climb on STRANGE who makes there kids walk 15min to a station and then they there??? But it wasn’t hard to fathom out why he was going to take us for good from mom and I had heard many stories at night and during the day to his lawyer around custody rights and our well being ,ya we would have had food ,clothes and money and a permanent roof over our head ,but still no love or trust ..WE WERE STILL BROKEN KIDS! During the day after school we often were dropped at my aunt his sister the cousin that sexually abused me daily ,though now living further apart before dad stepping in things were at a minimal of only holiday sexual brutality ,dad was quite well off owning three of his own business so often my cousins were invited with and id be subjected to his sexual needs..but with now dad having us it felt like it was daily again and some how I didn’t protest anymore I was at his service as gross as it sounds his wishes I did as told=always still that piece internally saying if dad new he would kill me and at 15 still believed it.

At this stage my step mom and dad were only engaged and I guess she was young had no kids and the daunting thoughts of these kids coming into a new marriage was extremely hard..So around this dad began to talk to me about boarding school I cried said no put up fights I was incredibly home sick kid and was feeling the effects of this life big time ,and so was released back into moms care, the boys remained with dad for a while longer. It wasn’t long and we were altogether again the boys come a few weeks later all seemed ok,and then mom started been drugged out of her mind again sleeping ll hour of day never there driving under the influence ,this particular day my older brother now probably 10 I think got into a fight with mom and kicked her in the breast full on mom slapped him and days went on as we used to until it was down hill ,mom was at my grandmothers when she found a lump in her breast I was there I remember thinking DRAMA QUEEN my grandmother mad her make an appointment were the Dr drew fluid off the breast sent it away…In between this the crazy uncle moms brother was in the bathroom supposedly having anxiety attack but needing his two years help I just remember her screaming and him saying its ok darling [Fuck …he was sexually abusing her too] The next day I arrived home from school we went to my aunty moms sister when the Dr called mom was scheduled for a mastectomy cancer was present.

So again the boys went to my dad and I luckily got out of it and stayed at my sister mom had a full breast removed and all her glands pretty scary now at the thought ! A few days later I was sent home with mom to care for her my uncle been the driver for Dr visits etc¬†.That night of moms first night home was my ending to my sexual abuse except I didn’t know it yet ….mom layed zonked out of her mind on painkillers that night me in my room sleeping I was woken with a large 8foot man on my back ,i tried pushing him off but nothing budged him I became aware¬†it was my uncle ¬†,he grabbed hold of my¬†hair well I fought and with another hand held his hand over my mouth well he penetrated me anally kissing my neck I wasn’t gonna give up this fight…..

DAY 2 OF MY NEW MEDS INCREASE

Last night was day two of increase in meds sleep never came easy its penalizing me more the meds than helping with sleep ..I woke briefly from a dream he was there trying to keep me from my family well walking he was in-between threating me if I tell ill suffer I was petrified even when I opened my eyes to see our room I couldn’t move still. Now this afternoon my key worker rang not hearing a word how meds makes me feel and shutting me down ..until I said Angela it doesn’t matter what meds my mom was addicted to hear me im petrified ,as a response all I got was mmm ill tell the Dr again.

longing to be in control

Longing to be in control is driving me insane , how I could just wish to allow the instructions of life and let it be what ever it is , “it might not last as long”

My mind fills of nothing really but a strong wish to rather dissociate and run or maybe even attempt suicide on days that last this long¬†,people seem to make promises that they never keep that enlarge the feeling of been dropped once more ,and if its not that simple there questions that are implied how would you like me /us to help ?…its a million dollar question as it means me been honest and actually thinking, which at present brings some thing else to the front ..im currently looking to go back to work but every job I see I cant bring myself to ring or even forward a cv I feel inadequate to say the least my brain fails me it wont co operate and im exhausted trying to find words why !!

My mood is currently fluctuating from ok to the extreme ,this morning I felt to turn everything upside down in my house and leave …but iv always been aware of my boys and how this would impact them ….sadly this morning there’s something going on with our younger one his in deep thought!

last night our friend dropped hubbys boat off as he kept it when we moved ,my husband had said at some stage lets show him our beach and take patches for a walk ,of which my boy had said in going to do my assignment rather I replied yes at that stage I put patches on a leash and off we went on our return we found we were¬†locked out of our house ,I assumed he went to a friend quickly 10min after hubby getting in to the house he came ,tears in his eyes as he couldn’t find me on the beach !! this was a first is he feeling my distress ?I love them dearly and its not my intention to upset them or hubby but hell its hard to keep this together without exploding.