Living childhood memories

As the days have gone on and we’ve taken dad around our little town and some other outings iv been incredibly greatful to my husband who has shaparoned him here there and every were …my older son has left to go back home and has arrived safely all have time with grandpa ..except me!

Yesterday I had a full day alone with dad family around but they did there own things, and these feelings arouse. .feelings of been touched feelings of utter Chringing, nausea most of all to run and cry sobb. .a few years back I managed to be up front about my abuse from a cousin and multiple friends to dad it took hurendous courage I remember a friend talking with me on my blog Skype and email i battled back and forth between the bathroom and trying to begin ,we prayed I was scared. .now I’m experiencing a flash back of bathing with dad and stuff happening ..the days im experiencing panic attacks and a urge to sit and cry ..how will he take it will he ever return? 

Tomorrow I see jeanique I’m not going I can’t begin to explain this pain ..how much more will arise to cope with! 

I have lots going on at work and I’d rather drown myself there as he leaves Thursday morning early. 

Work I know I can only do for so long as the anniversary date comes closer I’m going on leave to cope alone rather!

Tracking feelings

I’m now just passed a month and bit of meds free ,and it’s been quite a eye opener from all aspects mostly a brain that’s free of containment I often spoke how meds made my brain feel contained within its space but most of all my thoughts to enter therapy more openly and honestly has progressed .

Emdr is going well and though this week is a little rough I was honest and jeanique is more onto me ..suppose like this week iv battled to talk as I’m experiencing this little piece of triggers ,it’s been hard, confusing and I’m ?????who knows what! 

Last week anxiety was high and vomiting is at an all time high from this came unwelcome intrusive thoughts of ending my life and I’m hurting from self harm actually I feel sick , passed sensations that I’m more open about though I SO SO HATE THEM, I’m not lying I tried ending my life  but jeanique once again upped EMDR to help and I won’t dismiss my thoughts and will to succeed in therapy whether good or bad iv pushed through. 

Anxiety around dad ariving Tuesday is horrible as past experiences are there and dad’s always apologies for past and wants to know how I’m managing. .our older son is home and he to is coming down in meds good on him but his gay stories and un wanted language triggers me horribly yesterday well family were here I battled with anger and crying  sobbing guess I’ll deal with that too …I’m alive and though avoiding well im aware, I dodge feelings by pushing hours at work, sex and fighting I’m aware and I’m trying! 

Breaking point

I’m at a point of wanting to bring my abuser to justice. ..but I’m scared is there anyone else out there that’s accomplished this?
This song represents my fight!!

“Roar”

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

[Pre-Chorus:]
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

[Pre-Chorus:]
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’re gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’ll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’re gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’ll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar! !😠

Unveiling of been exposed

Therapy today started by me cringing wanting to scream with two nights wide awake  ..all because I was asked
So lisa the family are gone how are you?
Okay!
Good she says. .but I don’t feel it ,I want her to see that I’m not ok but instead she’s believing me WHY do I look ok??

I start to cry and she leans forward asking me is that not so YES I wanna scream but it doesn’t even sound like I’m serious.
I start by unveiling a jumble of thoughts people all have a piece of my life everyone wanting to do something with what iv just said about the abuse and
its making me feel extremely vulnerable. IT’S MINE NO BODY ELSE’S
I talk again about the day I was left outside the court house and my brother’s went home the pain of that child and feeling it again yesterday.
She asks does this mean you told dad I wanna scream “DON’T YOU LISTEN YES”
She apologies and says she will need to learn my language and promises to keep checking in for her clarification and my stability ,I start sobbing feeling angry all of a sudden WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME i say out loud, why ?she responds, I’m scared to admit any feelings so I don’t answer easily. .eventually I say I’m angry. ..
Unveiling undoing the thread of my conversation with my dad feels like you’ve left my brain exposed with no skin covering it…
I admit to my therapist I wanna kill myself not for attention but I’m hating these two people in me ,she asks how old she feels I say sometimes it’s the child. .NOW it feels like the adult I hate her for telling she can die ,HOW will she die ..In the car I’m crying I HATE HER!

Please be careful TRIGGERS of sexual stuff !!

I still don’t know i remember everything but pieces that i unveiled today was questions that dad asked like how many years difference between me and my cousin I said 10 others at the table we sat 4 people and some  said 6 maybe 8  almost insinuating it  was child’s play and could never be sexual abuse NEVER they might have been discussing how big his penis was without words because they could never imagine how scary it was been held down under a body twice my size been hurt so badly that it felt like my virgina had been ripped out and almost always I was bleeding I was only 5  ,then there was ” what do you want out of this lol fuck man was no one listening -I had made it clear from the beginning this was really about sharing what happened to me i needed no one doing anything but to have support towards my recovery and to share my burden . ..
I told dad I think 3x  this..and then I say I had spoken a few years ago to my cousin the psychologist called him actually to meet he was heading out of town and said in few weeks he would make contact. .it was less than half hour later he rang her back saying he wanted this out of the way before leaving out of town and the following day wanted to do this..at our meeting he said he remembered nothing, NOTHING the psychologist explained to me it wasn’t uncommon for perpetrators to erase things from there memory but when leaving that evening he apologized for any hurt so what’s this telling you ?
-after telling dad this he immediately said well it can’t be true then the guy doesn’t remember he looks at my step mom, she replies to him that means nothing you heard what the psychologist said! Again it could never be…he shakes his head in disbelief.
He talks more ..” you know lisa there those make belief friends you had as a child I don’t want to put you down but are you sure you never imagined this ,I breath loudly my husband looks my way and shrugs his shoulder. .I immediately say look I’m not asking you to decide if I’m right or wrong if it happened or not …I REMEMBER DAILY EVENTS FRIENDS HE BROUGHT IN THE PAIN THE TRAUMA PHYSICALLY MENTALLY DISOCIATION I FELT IT NOT YOU !

Then he talks about going back to his sister to follow this through with her HELLO I had also said I had no intention of disturbing people’s lives why would you..it’s like everyone wants a piece to run off and explore was this true or not?
And to crown it all its as if all there doudt wasnt enough I talk about the rape by my uncle and all of a sudden I’m feeling internal pain in my bottom iv had this before it comes with triggers at times and it’s got my attention I’m in pain badly – and he says he doesn’t care about what my uncle did he doesn’t see him I’M GUTTED ..But i don’t feel not caring as the problem it’s seeing the person that worries my dad!

I know we all have different ways of dealing with trauma but my husband has continued to remind me since Friday night that dad keeps saying his gotta do something about this and even let my cousin no ?I’m more confused about the trauma  why people are wanting to make a big thing or run off with it ..
I’m left raw and sick too ,today i went to the Dr I have tonselitis and bad ear infection and my kidneys are sore too,so I’m off work but I just can’t seem to settle and sleep .