Category Archives: anniversary of trauma

Why i do not know!

This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!

My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry ¬†iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.

Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!

I DESERVE TO HURT

 

 

Taking care

Month of may is hard it’s the anniversary of my abuse on my birthday, but the month leading up to it also the day we went to court and I moved into a children’s home 2 days before I was 16!

Taking care carefully and selecting my chores or day job is hard …I’m now in therapy weekly as we go gently through the motions ūüė• I’m feeling heaps and learning slowly to trust Becs ,there times im little skeptical of her like something gonna happen until there’s some reassurance more so when im alone I’ll read her txt “She not leaving me” and I¬† settle again .
In therapy we talking about the feelings that plague me and her continuous gentle questions about then leaves me now showing pieces of emotions of this fearful little girl that comes and goes ,this week in therapy I was crying without tears making noise that came from within they reminded me of that little girl hiding behind the couch surpressing my crying but making noise that oddly came up !
Becs keeps reminding me I’m now stronger I’m no longer her that age but she says it gently. ..today her txt reminded me once again I’m going no were im hear stillūüė≠
Purely exhausted and sick with gastro and moving I need comfort!

last weeks reminder

Its been quite a while since the anniversary of our family trauma ,and though in hind site I survived that weekend ….this last week has changed Monday a week ago my therapist began EMDR therapy with me and though I was excited to tackle the issues plaguing me ,I knew there would be some feelings arising and knocking me in the face !

In short between Monday and Thursday things changed dramatically for me ..not easier but I was once again in a place that my body and mind didn’t resist I gave in and nurtured this body and soul and with it came odd pieces of taking care of me again like walking my dogs¬†enjoying the little sun reading , I even attempted the home work for EMDR !

UNTIL -dreaded Friday arrived and I was left uncontrollably different sobbing crying with my left side shaking thank goodness there was no work for me I had past the previous week with a horrendous amount of hours avoiding mostly anything or any triggers but on Friday it wasn’t about to leave easily so I rang my therapist freaking out that something major was wrong I was going to die Anxiety hadn’t been this high in agers …between us we tried little pieces of possibly making tea well I spoke to her I couldn’t move I think at this point I literally screamed well shaking uncontrollably..at this point or some a work man came to our house to do work and I left to try get him sorted drained he might have thought I was hung over but fxxk ¬†I really couldn’t have cared. There after two friends arrived in the interim and stayed and had coffee but when they saw the¬†state I was in I think they thought best to exit fast ..it really felt so!

They had no sooner left I remained panicky and wondered about outside ¬†¬†why it felt so threating? the phone rang it was my therapist once again ,we continued this time she wanted me to walk the dogs ,I was happy to say now well I write I point blank could not have done so ..gardening I was going to try just a little …sad part none of the above could I do between Friday and Sunday iv been house bound my anxiety immediately rises the minute I need to go out ….

With a heap of help I HATE ASKING “” I slowly began seeing the outside again yesterday and every noise tremor seems¬†louder than before¬†¬† also had to return to work last night as on call would not replace me grrr wonderful people they are ,its¬†interesting as for the many years doing sleep overs iv never heard the noises I heard last and they only increased my anxiety more….well im home now¬†¬†im due back at work in an half hour for another sleep over and then a whole day vocationally tomorrow and im trying to take care and also get over the anxiety of the outside world, I do wonder if it will settle soon though?

Happy day turning upside down to remind me it’s anniversary!

I’d gone out with friends last night for dinner to celebrate rather than dwell¬† on my birthday. ..
we were home by 9:15 in bed by 9:40 asleep till 7 ish this morning great start I’d thought, with wishes from far and wide my boy made tea and breakfast we caught up on shortland street a TV program and I relaxed in the warmth of our conservatory. .feeling just ok

I started work at 3 today to have to do a hospital visit with some server accident that happened to a client. .AND THE HOSPITAL IS MAKING ME FEEL ANXIOUS, so I’d hoped writing will soothe the reality. ..this is that day my family fought¬† for there life¬† and¬† my step dad died it’s¬† also the day many years ago age ten I was raped. . I’m fine today it’s just a memory I’m in no threat¬† !!
Iv taken my prn to calm down the shaking¬† and now the rest is prayers…

Last night’s continued surprise

Well hubby had arrived unexpectedly home the boys had organized things for mothers day and my birthday next weekend  (the one I avoid as its the anniversary of my rape and many years later a death and hi jacking )

This was all there doing last night  I was really overwhelmed that they also changed how I avoid that day so to do it differently meant alot..they arrived with cards food that was made by my younger boy and desert that hubby prepared. .and the most beautiful coat I just love it ,”perfect for the winter”

But the best was we just enjoyed our evening together, hubby and myself snuggled close “like teenagers in love watching dvds and been served by our boy ..
This morning was a cuppa together and more kisses and love for mother’s day and my birthday. .but also we have to say goodbye to my husband again “I hate it” he heads back to Auckland  and my boy and I wait to hear more news on his last interview and of course pack more stuff !
It felt good to see our son and hubby working together last night making dinner laughing his grown dramatically since dad’s been away and he misses him and his brother.

This week as i mentioned friends are trying to keep me busy to avoid the memory of the past and as a first I’m going with it ,well do lunch and dinner Friday night ,I’m might even dropp a shift next weekend to just look after me and try stay with the pain nurturing myself gently as a pose to working hard to avoid   ..i also have therapy twice this week. .feels like safety close by ,except im still scared of that day. .
Please pray ill be able to keep going head above water!

Surprise

I’m working privately this weekend around the corner from home …and out of the blue my husband has arrived home ,I’m super excited for many reasons but mostly his reassurance. .
His had an interview in new Plymouth on Friday and really this is were we want to be instead of Auckland.

Last night we started packing iv been avoiding it for many reasons but it felt good to keep busy especially with emotions all over the place still ..

As the week draws near friends are trying hard to keep me occupied with dates for dinner and lunches I’m taking it on for the first time ever I need the welcome of this coming weekend to pass differently if it’s possible!

Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to¬† say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying¬†, I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma¬†with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I ¬†stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

voices in my head

I