life’s ups and downs well fighting my illness

Its been a while since posting any happenings in my world its  just like agitation turns into anxiety, its the same with trying to write it down all the other pieces happening confuse my poor brain more that I want to run rather!

Some will remember a few weeks ago I met with a detective who was going to talk me through my process of wanting to bring my case to trial or maybe im not even that far but expose my abusers  ,this was massive for me as iv lived this journey of sexual abuse for most my life alone until I began therapy here in NZ and told my story my family now know ,however nothing changes in terms of its me that suffers and he continues to post his wonderful life all over social media ..there’s too the problem I sit with that there is in total 7 abusers “BREATH” -The process in short would start by them investigating me ,as years have past and they would need to back track who all new me and what type of child I was and the family dynamics of that….Im instantly filled to high heights of anxiety “why me ?why the need to be every thing related to me before investigating him —ya I get people lie ,tell stories etc. but really i suffer with mental illness now because of the trauma they inflicted. I sit with BPD ,PTSD,Type two bipolar and life continues up and down painfully. So well I decide were to with starting  any legal stuff im just sitting with it as im unable to make a clear decision. There has been other positive stuff happening, in the midst hubby and our younger son joined supporting families with mental illness, it was good having him alongside me and my son on the other side they participated laughed with all however I spoke of our son the older one and I was filled with fear of hearing how hard it was for my family and was clearly glad they went along too…however when we left hubby voiced he was disappointed that I brought our older sons illness into it ,why not my own challenges ? I agreed but kept my fear of how fearful I was hearing them talk about me! The weekend that followed was huge my children have never known about the abuse I endured for years and how my family did nothing ,in saying this its never been about my family doing nothing but more protecting my children “somehow crazily” so I sat my youngest down as he saw me read a text from my dad and cry ,his incredibly sensitive ,caring kid asking what’s up I said grandpa wants me to come to South Africa for his 70th birthday …he saying go mom and im sobbing ,I cant why not? And I tell him that years ago I was sexually abused by a cousin who is grandpas sister and they will be there at his party ..ahh he says iv wondered for years what was wrong but now I understand mom. It went without saying not to tell his older brother yet as he hasn’t been well either and processing for him would be incredibly difficult but I intend to do so in good time!

Each day im struggling  worse ,I saw my psych a few weeks back and they were both saying how important it is that DBT begins soon for me the waiting list 6months + and iv already been waiting 9 months   ..I battle continuously hourly up /down with my moods and changing between personalities that drive me insane by the time I catch myself iv caused mayhem with who ever I was talking too or worse off I don’t notice anything wrong “crap”  ,i definitely don’t have different people living in me but I certainly do fluctuate  radically! Iv had a counsellor for a while since last year but nothing was definite in times or days and then this year I went down hill with mom and my stuff I ended up in respite with her help …Becs text often checking on me how thing were going etc but the gap was so big someone else ended up getting a permanent appointment and all she could do was fit me in n cancellation About a week ago maybe little more I started playing with my meds sleep was as usual hectic violent night mares left me screaming gasping for air so ,yet alone around 2.30pm I start having panic attack shaking so add my clonazepam only halve of 0.5mg then at bed I shower first take usual night meds and add zoplecone by this time im ready to be knocked out I remember nothing ..my determination to remember nothing is causing relationship problems as I want to take it as soon as hubbys home ,meaning its barely 7ish and im well and truly ready to surrender the pain ,shaking, heart palpitations and muscle spasms to the meds for sleep…im trying to push it some nights to 8 ..in waking the next day alone as hubby and my son leave early im like an energised bunny or maybe ADHD ?so I saw Becs last week and was very hyper ,we had decided we would begin work on my past for only 15,20min a session so there fore allowing time to check I was grounded and ok..we laughed and she really checked in I was ok to start when she asked something triggering I guess or maybe not F*** I was gone floating in out but dissociated completely we very briefly really very little spoke about what season it happened, I told of the game he made us play ,me alone there after it was raining ……I then began to laugh hysterically she asked what’s up ?funny I thought I was In trouble with you now for telling ! Bec answers “ah” of course you would ,then my laughing changes to sobbing ,pacing ,telling myself im stupid ….Becs talks me down you not stupid leaning forward into me softly …im trying to just breath but its so erratic my chest hurts I jump up grab a toy from her shelve and begin to manipulate it in my hand hard I want to tell her more I say, she sits waiting the hard toy in my hand reminds me of the force of his hands and mouth but I cant tell her yet ….then anger comes full on I throw the toy and run to be outside an open door I want to bash my head its numb but my body starts hurting my bottom sends sharp pain into me and my jaw stiffens so bad ,Becs sits with me as I come back slowly talking softly  you ok .The day that follows im sick badly not even did meds help me sleep by the third day im putting things in place that I need at therapy but then hubby rings unexpectedly saying hello my sexy wife BOOM BANG what do you mean im sick of your sayings etc. Hubby darling ,darling I meant nothing sexually bang goes our call and my day was over nothing Becs said made sense between her and hubby my brain thought they needed something from me….its an big problem!! After this our boy had teacher parent interview the next day ,his doing exceptional ,and was exciting for us as parents to hear he has also been nominated most improved student at MIT for his year ,which his not aware of yet “so proud” though coming home I was faced in Auckland’s horrendous traffic at 6.40 in the evening  were I was in the middle lane having a full panic attack and our son helping me through it, this to has become a norm of continues panic in public .

Thursday I was rang with Three interviews meaning that I couldn’t go with my family to new Plymouth im home alone  in pure panic will I get sick again and have to surrender to work ,im supported there and back but it doesn’t stop my panic attacks im just with some one ,however Fridays interview is over i think I never got it .Last Night I never slept mental health are checking regularly on me ,like every second day but it doesn’t help asking the same questions  want to scream I know there’s reasons for checking on me..but id rather not be experiencing up/downs so extremely

 

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2 thoughts on “life’s ups and downs well fighting my illness”

  1. It seems that no one has been able to find the right way to help you Lisa. In this vast world of our medical discoveries.. physical and mental, I just wish there was more they could do.. Diane

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