Why i do not know!

This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!

My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry  iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.

Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!

I DESERVE TO HURT

 

 

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