Breathing can be hard when one feels such such pain whether emotional or physical guess there’s no difference almost both are intense. ..however the turmoil in one’s head can so almost so so consuming it’s hard to figure which way is up,and how this all began tears me apart so badly I wanna curl up and be held ,told I’m ok once again. .but fuck how false that sounds. ..I’m not ok how dare this have happened once again, how much more has my brain covered up…how much more will arise 😢
Yesterday at work a colleague who has terrible behavior tore me apart the day I battled. ..Last night I colapased chest pain and violent shaking the boys including brian sat with me …I cried and shook uncontrollably it feels awful I’m so fragile and scared it’s hear to stay !😢
Moving can be stressful but I must say from all the moves iv done in my life this one has come at a great time …
The distraction is so much needed from my thoughts and feelings that iv thought would break me ,but instead even feeling sick I’m appreciative to it!
Hubby has left me today sorting the house well him and my son go on moving and that’s been good, listening to music and placing things in new spots has been therapeutic. .👍
im back at the house alone and im triggered hiding behind a couch trying to decide were boxs should go while noises surround me…im sick to the bone its fight or flight and im trying hard to contain it”fighting”
Month of may is hard it’s the anniversary of my abuse on my birthday, but the month leading up to it also the day we went to court and I moved into a children’s home 2 days before I was 16!
Taking care carefully and selecting my chores or day job is hard …I’m now in therapy weekly as we go gently through the motions 😥 I’m feeling heaps and learning slowly to trust Becs ,there times im little skeptical of her like something gonna happen until there’s some reassurance more so when im alone I’ll read her txt “She not leaving me” and I settle again .
In therapy we talking about the feelings that plague me and her continuous gentle questions about then leaves me now showing pieces of emotions of this fearful little girl that comes and goes ,this week in therapy I was crying without tears making noise that came from within they reminded me of that little girl hiding behind the couch surpressing my crying but making noise that oddly came up !
Becs keeps reminding me I’m now stronger I’m no longer her that age but she says it gently. ..today her txt reminded me once again I’m going no were im hear still😭
Purely exhausted and sick with gastro and moving I need comfort!
I’m trying hard to step things up take new steps in keeping busy when not working i haven’t engaged in them yet but I’m thinking more of taking them up👍
The down side my moods are irractic I’m irrational and relationships are hard and fragile in my life “IT HURTS ” we say hard horrible stuff to each other flying to opposite rooms screaming and back and forth,him pushing me to go to work full time but I can’t manage it “JUST MORE STRESS I wish I could though run till the end.. obviously i don’t mean to swap and change but I do, I keep trying hard to catch it early but I’m missing the signs far to quickly. ..I manage work briefly and explode in server anxiety as i hit the car.. my quitiapine is working briefly but I don’t wanna talk about a increase in that too ,iv just had an increase in eppilum and this is hard iv battled bad headaches and now sleep I’m awake from 3 am wide awake 😧this weekend I’m sleeping early afternoon for two hours.
Tomorrow I’m back to work, wondering how I will manage 😵
At the back of my head or maybe the middle near front I’m aware anniversary day is looming closer😭
Iv since taken new steps to help myself my mood wasn’t changing and so iv started a new increase in meds 6 days in with my GP help I’m glad to say the violent headache has subsided “thank God “😭 the pain has been hurendous!
However anxiety is present very much but I’m trying hard to keep going for two weeks until the next increase AND I’M BATTLING TONIGHT 🌒
It’s 5.45am in Nz time I’m well aware or awake for many hours now my brain going round and round what i will say how I will feel. . iv decided to go ahead make the call make an appointment to meet with Detective? ?
Around my abuse and precedure there to follow what i wasn’t expecting was to meet this early we meeting tomorrow early afternoon 😭:twisted::oall these emotions raging forward as i retrieve replaying so much back,
I had surpressed so much I’m now finding myself over the weekend going holy fuck how will I say this stuff how did I survive?
I’m going tomorrow alone I need my space it’s mine and iv always seen it that way in a funny kind of way I too feel stuck in my own head I wanna be alone not talk ,then oddly I here M my old therapist say “come on girl tell me what’s going on in your head” and I wish I could! But like I said I wanna plod this alone tomorrow I will go with no support and later meet my counselor that i haven’t seen in months Becs we’ll talk things through, well I hope I can find words or even a mouth to talk or will I be stuck in my brain once again screaming to try say something?