Why i do not know!

This past week as usual with most years the abuse pops up more yuk! Monday started i had been awake since early expecting the unexpected,my brain hearing noises that resemble things and even with my phone off all noises i heard it-Family far a wide wishing me for my birthday how brave i am ,strong etc And it begins my heads noises get louder like im trying to turn the radio off but it doesn’t stay off-smell voices are real you know and next so is sex!

My day was horrible i sobbed cried sobbed cried trying to reach out but then hiding ,late morning i answered my phone it was an unknown number why i answered i dont know the voice was firm and i could only imagine the worst until i said yes its her …it was M my old psychologist from last year and she immediately knew i wasn’t ok her ringing was completely different reason…..Right lets work out whats going on i just couldn’t two hours on nearly we decided id call my key worker ,lol she never got back to me till end of day and then i lied all was fine-Fine far from not! That evening i crashed and with no recognition meds ended too it was actual only on Wednesday i realized i hadn’t been taking meds,my head increases on off with volume and an drive for sex that makes me angry  iv gone 7 days and its fucking hell yet i have no will to try again im exhausted and just want to be left alone …Hubby cant see my logic i tried taking a dose and vomited it straight back up.

Thursday at therapy with Becs she read my diary and vomiting i seriously thought would come,i was fucked off and we had words as she asked do i wanna end back in hospital seriously ????Lis this isn’t you its your illness lol suddenly i feel to laugh shes not ..You dont have a clue what this feels like hey ?You not understanding lis you seriously need help e need to walk this journey together im not fighting you !I wanna scream for no reason put my head into the wall its there i get up but im so trying to keep it together i have a panic attack instead but honestly the feeling out ways the reality of really hurting me.its plain simple a MUST !!!

I DESERVE TO HURT

 

 

longing to be in control

Longing to be in control is driving me insane , how I could just wish to allow the instructions of life and let it be what ever it is , “it might not last as long”

My mind fills of nothing really but a strong wish to rather dissociate and run or maybe even attempt suicide on days that last this long ,people seem to make promises that they never keep that enlarge the feeling of been dropped once more ,and if its not that simple there questions that are implied how would you like me /us to help ?…its a million dollar question as it means me been honest and actually thinking, which at present brings some thing else to the front ..im currently looking to go back to work but every job I see I cant bring myself to ring or even forward a cv I feel inadequate to say the least my brain fails me it wont co operate and im exhausted trying to find words why !!

My mood is currently fluctuating from ok to the extreme ,this morning I felt to turn everything upside down in my house and leave …but iv always been aware of my boys and how this would impact them ….sadly this morning there’s something going on with our younger one his in deep thought!

last night our friend dropped hubbys boat off as he kept it when we moved ,my husband had said at some stage lets show him our beach and take patches for a walk ,of which my boy had said in going to do my assignment rather I replied yes at that stage I put patches on a leash and off we went on our return we found we were locked out of our house ,I assumed he went to a friend quickly 10min after hubby getting in to the house he came ,tears in his eyes as he couldn’t find me on the beach !! this was a first is he feeling my distress ?I love them dearly and its not my intention to upset them or hubby but hell its hard to keep this together without exploding.

 

last weeks reminder

Its been quite a while since the anniversary of our family trauma ,and though in hind site I survived that weekend ….this last week has changed Monday a week ago my therapist began EMDR therapy with me and though I was excited to tackle the issues plaguing me ,I knew there would be some feelings arising and knocking me in the face !

In short between Monday and Thursday things changed dramatically for me ..not easier but I was once again in a place that my body and mind didn’t resist I gave in and nurtured this body and soul and with it came odd pieces of taking care of me again like walking my dogs enjoying the little sun reading , I even attempted the home work for EMDR !

UNTIL -dreaded Friday arrived and I was left uncontrollably different sobbing crying with my left side shaking thank goodness there was no work for me I had past the previous week with a horrendous amount of hours avoiding mostly anything or any triggers but on Friday it wasn’t about to leave easily so I rang my therapist freaking out that something major was wrong I was going to die Anxiety hadn’t been this high in agers …between us we tried little pieces of possibly making tea well I spoke to her I couldn’t move I think at this point I literally screamed well shaking uncontrollably..at this point or some a work man came to our house to do work and I left to try get him sorted drained he might have thought I was hung over but fxxk  I really couldn’t have cared. There after two friends arrived in the interim and stayed and had coffee but when they saw the state I was in I think they thought best to exit fast ..it really felt so!

They had no sooner left I remained panicky and wondered about outside   why it felt so threating? the phone rang it was my therapist once again ,we continued this time she wanted me to walk the dogs ,I was happy to say now well I write I point blank could not have done so ..gardening I was going to try just a little …sad part none of the above could I do between Friday and Sunday iv been house bound my anxiety immediately rises the minute I need to go out ….

With a heap of help I HATE ASKING “” I slowly began seeing the outside again yesterday and every noise tremor seems louder than before   also had to return to work last night as on call would not replace me grrr wonderful people they are ,its interesting as for the many years doing sleep overs iv never heard the noises I heard last and they only increased my anxiety more….well im home now  im due back at work in an half hour for another sleep over and then a whole day vocationally tomorrow and im trying to take care and also get over the anxiety of the outside world, I do wonder if it will settle soon though?

Thunder storms or my hurricanes im off to battle

 

 

 

Well I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home the dynamics of my sexual abuse seem worse when there’s this “wifely duty to “ag  I make it sound like the worse part of been married or been in a relationship but realistically its true its a huge trigger even if it doesn’t feel so at the time ..it comes with a vengeance there after!

Monday I was very hollow spaced out and therapy was just a NO NO  but I went even though these pieces were around …On numerous times my therapist pleaded  please don’t zone out on me try stay focused but fuck hey it was impossible  we even tried diverting a little sharing a peppermint to divert my attention hell it was revolting my taste buds turned it upside down and for a first I felt myself diving for the inside of hoodie to want to get sick [embarrassing] I then welled up in tears and cried hooray maybe she was right I was alive..i just couldn’t stay present as hard as I tried, humbly she comforted me and we ended .

Yesterday I never had work till three and my body has been telling me for weeks now stop im sore ,yesterday I just stayed in bed every time I tried to do just one thing and then maybe another id crash crying, angry, frustration, soreness ,vomiting you name it …oh and the wonderful unpredictable pain that instantly reminds me im in danger there’s really no light heartedness in that phrase as its my worse reminder…however laying and just surviving was all I could do with my hollow body and brain. At three I fumbled off to work protesting with hatred Reith in my body ,if I was aloud to scream I might have done so ..at 6 pm I was finished three hours and that said a lot for me ! As the night rolled on so did anxiety and panic and my voices in the head searching for reassurance  rang our help line mental health and some how she thought she new how to solve my problems by telling me to change my profession and how could I do my work like this ….its a subject that my family meaning my parents had  to have reality for me its a passion to work with others that cant communicate properly and strive for normality however it looks for different people it is a goal that looks beautiful at the end !However she forcefully carried on until accidentally one of our phones cut off and I said THANK GOD !!!

This morning i had to literally hall  my brain out of bed with instructions to co operate  till frustration hit with anger and my younger boy got everything…today I got a letter to see the psych again this time he wants a brain scan hooray maybe im just mad and not mental ,im not sure meds are entirely correct but I do know for certain this pattern is ready for my brain to find a happy place, its extremely exhausting living with un predictability iv been convinced itll kill me sooner if not later by that im just living off auto pilot if forgetfulness doesn’t join to forcefully ill manage to keep going.

 

Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to  say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I  stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

I

 

 

 

 

psych appointment

Well ya the appointment happened ,the doctor I saw was once again nice but unfortunately they never the same but my key worker had updated him briefly. I guess there was a break through I was honest i  told him of many parts popping up here there every where ,and the pieces come and go I even mentioned the suicide thoughts how they sway on off last a while then gone .He spoke of triggers any possible ones I was aware of lately …my parents arriving me telling my story and now how all race around trying to do something but yet the voice of doom lately is “i hope you glad Lisa you told your dad ” but mostly im alone in it and its trying all possibilities of life I have not to mention last week Iv finally given some hours up ,well to tell the truth the ending of a contract of a service user and the point im at have come nicely to an end , im tired of trying so hard lately for reality of real life ,ya I know its important to keep moving but im saying enough I CANT !!

He listened and  we spoke i  cried ,he was well aware this was big asking them for help so before it got so so bad medication would need to be increased ,so today eppilum was increased and quitiapine introduced t night with zopleclone ..well it seems truly good night world and im excited to sleep scared of meds ,so with out putting me off we agreed to eppilum  been upped and 25mg quitiapine introduced at night except hello im the one who doesn’t do large amounts so tonight ill do half his talking about 50mg  a week, but ill see how I go .He mentioned my bipolar, I cringed  at the thought that he might want another meds but I think what his saying to control my extreme up and down episode’s there might come a time to increase the eppilum quite a bit ,but also maybe not seen my bipolar was under laying  secondary to my PTSD it seems it emerges horribly when PTSD is not controlled at all ..Hence me stopping meds again this week doesn’t help just a reminder again.

So next week ill go for blood tests after starting new meds ..ive come home from this appointment and im just hanging in there tonight im not well and I feel unstable so im off to soothe myself with warmth.

Thank you for standing by me im appreciative for my friends here I truly am !

 

Fragmented mind or not?

Iv had another day of up/down  my mind has lighten up a little and though I should be jumping for joy  I still feel that large urge to scream the minute things become overwhelming that’s still quickly.

I had rang my therapist early in the week about not been able to wait two weeks for next therapy session, Only for her to tell me its Monday at 2pm and I cant really even remember when I saw her last ,so has this fragmented mind become one again? NO  im hating were im at its hard and just because it let up partially its not gone  .

My sleep continues to be little ,well there’s really little new things present I STILL HAVE THAT URGE TO SCREAM AND RUN and even to be honest I wish could kill myself that feeling is still a possibility of all the overwhelm..except now my boy is sick and even though we know what’s wrong today was another bad day like Sunday ,his exhausted and every time he gets up to do something it brings another attack on so we back at the Dr tomorrow again ,to make it worse hubby and myself are fighting about things that need attention and I cant” I JUST CANT “-I also haven’t booked his ticket home and his more mad im  not  good with stuff online bookings etc!

Im hating work and at present all the triggers have made me start looking else were for work,my body tells a story long over due to emerging into this world but still I remain scared what I say and how it looks

 

Disturbed by feelings

Have you ever felt like time and time again you don’t matter or you scared to even matter, so you push on and give all you got till you over it?I’m at that point I v felt today like every syptoms that mimics a heart attack and stroke is there yet alone not to mention the feeling of not wanting to live from utter scaredness. …

Iv said it before my dad arives tommorow and iv waited some years to talk about my sexual abuse so in this week only  I have massive preasure to talk about it. .I’m alone hubby’s not here and marilize and Michelle can’t wait around unless it’s organized as a time to tell dad ..”I’m dying already  ”
Iv even thought of my plan nows the time to end it all he’ll never understand my dad it wasn’t my fault! 

We were beaten as kids for everything maybe that explains!

Last night I worked through the night till 3pm today anyway my manager was my support we short staffed and she’s new …after dinner we sat down to have a cuppa she asked somethings about my family and south Africa I’ll make it short it came out she suffers with ptsd she use to work in the prisons year’s ago and was brutally attacked, she had many operations on her arm and hip leaving her in absolute agony.
Somehow it came out what had happened to us in sa the hijacking and my boy …somehow I tried hard not to talk about the rest little did I know she’s a counselor to ..in one sentence she asked if I was getting help I said yes I’m trying though honestly it’s triggering and I was battling, gently she put her arm on mine and said you can do it …CAN I ??

All in one during our conversation she had sensed I’d come to a dead end..
It wasn’t long probably lots was said though, but last night she never left me during the night. ..
She txt many encouraging thoughts my way..
And ya I’m finished my shift doesn’t mean I’m not scared for tomorrow but I now feel like ..fuck the world if I do this for anyone I’ll tell my dad just for myself, because I deserve my life !! believing me means alot what will I feel if he doesn’t?
Does he remember anything the pieces I so wanna dig a whole and never remember are gonna be the hardest. .yet alone what i went through how I felt   been sodomised the pain was the very worst and then been told i was rebellious when I ran away and been forced to go to a children’s home been abandon from family still hurts so bad can he even know my pain ?it’s important he does, there are new pieces to as young as 3 …

So I’m embracing myself to keep focused on living and just get through !
But how will it be I don’t know I’M SCARED !!

what a night/morning

It’s just gone nearly 3 am in nz and I’m well and truly battling the night….

It started with a dr visit for work that took me in trigger mode a fight for xray that weren’t going to happen. .soon after pain came full into my chest that was early evening by 1 am still wide awake the family in SA ring saying my aunt who long faught  cancer had just died …it was a shock as Christmas they all gathered together and she was in good spirits just yesterday I heard the tumor had caused a bleeding in the brain  and she was in loads of pain and could no longer reconize my uncle. .Im thankful it happened fast and she rests in the good lords hands and the fight has ended in relief!

It’s 3 :10 am wide awake and I still have chest pain and I’m waiting for that xray for a work client and ambulance. …

Not sleeping, chest pain and bad news and a trigered dr visit are my combination for irritation and bad anxiety!

Hopefully writing will calm so of!

I’m trying hard

Feeling my feelings

Yesterday went exceptionally well with my boss…I had managed to have a game plan in place and stood my ground in a gentle and loving space that came from within. ..
I now return to work 3 hours a day and with fortnightly meetings. ..I was happy with the out come of this piece a merging internally!

But since yesterday iv been woken during the night shivering and  a severe sore throat my muscles ache and I’m sobbing my eyes out in intervals I feel as though enough is enough. .
Like I’m dying my anxiety has risen and emotion is present  flooding me!