Tag Archives: hatered

longing to be in control

Longing to be in control is driving me insane , how I could just wish to allow the instructions of life and let it be what ever it is , “it might not last as long”

My mind fills of nothing really but a strong wish to rather dissociate and run or maybe even attempt suicide on days that last this long ,people seem to make promises that they never keep that enlarge the feeling of been dropped once more ,and if its not that simple there questions that are implied how would you like me /us to help ?…its a million dollar question as it means me been honest and actually thinking, which at present brings some thing else to the front ..im currently looking to go back to work but every job I see I cant bring myself to ring or even forward a cv I feel inadequate to say the least my brain fails me it wont co operate and im exhausted trying to find words why !!

My mood is currently fluctuating from ok to the extreme ,this morning I felt to turn everything upside down in my house and leave …but iv always been aware of my boys and how this would impact them ….sadly this morning there’s something going on with our younger one his in deep thought!

last night our friend dropped hubbys boat off as he kept it when we moved ,my husband had said at some stage lets show him our beach and take patches for a walk ,of which my boy had said in going to do my assignment rather I replied yes at that stage I put patches on a leash and off we went on our return we found we were locked out of our house ,I assumed he went to a friend quickly 10min after hubby getting in to the house he came ,tears in his eyes as he couldn’t find me on the beach !! this was a first is he feeling my distress ?I love them dearly and its not my intention to upset them or hubby but hell its hard to keep this together without exploding.

 

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Today has just been another one of those days nothing different except im getting more and more sick!
There’s one thing different though in my two years of trying to recover I’m now asking more and more for help ,in the past I might have retracted from the world. ..ya it’s making me sick my pain depression /ptsd/biopolar  but for once more more I don’t care I’m in recovery process. ….
So as you know hubby has been unemployed for nearly 3 months and finally he gets temp work in new Plymouth about 2 half hours from us ,now today we hear it could continue for another 18 months fantastic we really could do with this but it’s not final! And I’m alone and we can’t afford the traveling back and forth.
This afternoon I walk into our front door with bills rising I’m overwhelmed by exhaustion from work and the endless battle of trying to keep on top I burst out crying one of them was a repossession notice. .when I rang the company it was a mistake this just tipped me over the top..I went off how I don’t need this now !
I rang hubby we spoke trying hard to pretend everything is OK has never served me justice. .Hubby heard in my voice my tears and I broke down he wasn’t worried let things happen as they might well get back up !
Just look after you!

Last night vomiting well washing my own body has returned  (reminds me how much I hate it) yet pretend other wise ….
After my crying and short break before returning to do another sleep over I climbed into a shower and let the pain begin I’m triggered more lately vomiting trembling etc is there!
desperately i aborted the shower ..and rang my support person she was just ok in sitting in it with me ,not trying to rescue the situation but just staying there with me over the phone reassuring me …why does the past pop up all the time why the fuck please tell me?
Her next plan is still waiting to get the psychologist !
And her other is  been around for me to avoid crises before I crash.

Iv taken on sleep over well hubby’s away three this week one after another our young boy is at neighbors tonight I hate it i want to be a proper mom be there but I need the work to and I’m acting like I’m okay it’s just a act…
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Today’s hurdle

So yesterday I put it out there,what was I hoping?  Relief maybe. ..but instead I was sick with a headache fell asleep until 9 drained woke and was forced there on to sit into the darkness of the night

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with it until 6:30 am when my alarm went off…
So with no sleep hypervigalant iv tried my best to be ok ..but I’m not …I’m pretending. .just like I did after the years of rape…IM OK..HELL  NO!

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So i ventured further and rang my old psychologist hoping for some logic or even maybe his soft voice nurturing me along that I’ll be ok ..but  he wasn’t available I left a message ,a start I guess but iv received no call back.

Then at 4 my key worker rings she has managed to move me to the top of the list…does this mean I’m crazy? ??
And a psychologist will ring me tomorrow hell no i want my old one but his moved and this new one knows what’s happening. ..IT’S OUT I CAN’T BREATH
and to make things a little more over the top I start DBT group therapy it’s not optional my key worker  thinks but of course I can say no this will start after seeing the psychologist. ..worst off I know this lady taking group therapy she worked for us ..it’s just knowing someone there I don’t like !

I so badly feel like “different”. .when I spoke today with my key worker it felt serious  and breathing is hard ..she organizing things fast and I feel more to blame-
Hell I hate you ” life “