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These are some feelings that remind us we wont back down ,we”ll be by your side till its over….
Well a happy new year to all my fellow friends I hope and pray its a beautiful year ahead for all with loads of growth looming!
There’s beauty in growing slowly I always think its the magic of it coming slowly that surprising and lovely to look at wow look how far we have come !!
And as I leave these pieces I hope to catch up soon as I have loads to unfold.
…My brain function is up and down and well I had one great day of been able to feel and utelise my brain fully with no numbness which was FANTASTIC I live for those days …I have to admit it hasn’t been all days like that and im sure you know that but im writing this blog as piece to many different days and so others going throw similar can hopefully relate to the harsh reality of mental illness and its medicines and going with out .Don’t get me wrong they work im just having a moment of being adamant of stopping my meds for a few reasons one my moms an addict and recently after many years she zonked out her mind secondly im over our mental health my key worker never actioned the next script just ignoring me and this was another result ,and just for clarification I had left her I was forced to go through her ….but no longer
Its hard to function or stay okay in a day when your inner self changes all the time ,and I don’t say it lightly but its true its incredibly challenging at present to stay focused on my bigger picture of no meds and still focused on being ok is bladdy hard .Iv noticed over this week im trying so hard that when I have turned into the not so good BOOM its in my face actually giving me fight as if someone just scared me …my colleagues continue to ask if im ok obviously knowing nothing about me I say im fine but ya its obviously evident for them. Friday I had a little irritation to colleague of mine blaming me for something she did and me not making her aware lol I did …telling her to get over herself please I don’t have time for stupidity …My brain function ,yesterday on a trip to coromandel with the family was met with lots of irritation and loads of exhaustion in my body ,being able to take in little of what people say is in many ways like being permanently hyper vigilant but not knowing whats being said ,crazy I know and im sure for others it might be other wise ! Today iv woken at 9.30 after sleeping non stop from when we got in yesterday at 16.30 …iv worked around the house trying to contend with a numb head sharp pains in my brain and anger arising with tears ,as well as shaking terribly today -yesterday hubby mentioned im talking to myself or answering myself im not aware voices are back but sure as hell don’t wont them around in the mix…. My family appear normal still ,well by that I mean we not arguing about me not taking meds yet ..and my progress largely depends on there support “im not holding my breath “its hard for them too.
ITS A TENDER SITUATION
Today has started great and I’m feeling really happy ,I’m still not taking meds even after Tuesdays crap day and seeing my doctor yesterday and her saying to go back onto it so they can slowly change it to lithium next year…there’s a determination I’ll weather this storm even yes with tears of defeat at times …
I’ll face my illness head on because it’s a journey I’m not brave but determined to continue to just try “just another day”
Well I travel through this period of no medication I’m so aware of feelings …
Feeling anxious, disociated and a jar into reality that there’s no buffer for my feeling these two things ,so well I try at present to stay focused and nurture myself and concentrate on the now and been determined on giving up the meds ….I will continue to drive through ANXIETY…
Good night all….