Tag Archives: ptsd

Dealing with Distress Group

So two weeks ago I started this group work ,called dealing with distress  however iv told you about my first session and my week of hell this is were im at now —

Is this possible I ask myself without even being able to answer It myself, crazy as it sounds –YESTERDAY = A fabulous day

Dissociation  was far from me I noticed so much driving to group that actually at some point I thought I was lost lol this is so true -excited to get started I shared my crap week or a week of hell were others so could relate to my ups and downs which of course in its own makes a difference never questioned my craziness .Another ASPECT =yesterday me staying with my feelings which to contributed to a good feeling of being in control my brain was been very co operative=HOORAY as this seldom happens for me!

 

After Group this lady walked out chatting to me and a guy from group joined in from behind, the lady left and we continued to chat and said goodbye as I reached my car and climbed in I felt oozy,drained and nausea and as I sat in the warmth of my car accepting there’s a trigger, my brain partially recaptured the sexual abuse the smell of deodorant the smell of sperm and feeling emotions   I actually started to cry but also became still and no vomiting accured  ,with great excitement I write telling you all this as my battle has been for a long time projectile vomiting at smells ,noises and even people=incredible ,stress resentment and hatred to myself always questioning, when next .

But today presents a question in its own , as I have not slept now for 28 hours ,what is happening usually no sleep =down ward spiral fast could yesterdays so awake brain be a distant memory fast ?I don’t wont to loose yesterday ,but im incredibly wide awake I walked patches at 6;30 on the beach did breakfast and then walked him again ,cleaned the house did the washing ,took a warm shower and yet still im  incredibly high…..im scared but so hanging onto yesterdays feeling of really living!!

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Thunder storms or my hurricanes im off to battle

 

 

 

Well I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home the dynamics of my sexual abuse seem worse when there’s this “wifely duty to “ag  I make it sound like the worse part of been married or been in a relationship but realistically its true its a huge trigger even if it doesn’t feel so at the time ..it comes with a vengeance there after!

Monday I was very hollow spaced out and therapy was just a NO NO  but I went even though these pieces were around …On numerous times my therapist pleaded  please don’t zone out on me try stay focused but fuck hey it was impossible  we even tried diverting a little sharing a peppermint to divert my attention hell it was revolting my taste buds turned it upside down and for a first I felt myself diving for the inside of hoodie to want to get sick [embarrassing] I then welled up in tears and cried hooray maybe she was right I was alive..i just couldn’t stay present as hard as I tried, humbly she comforted me and we ended .

Yesterday I never had work till three and my body has been telling me for weeks now stop im sore ,yesterday I just stayed in bed every time I tried to do just one thing and then maybe another id crash crying, angry, frustration, soreness ,vomiting you name it …oh and the wonderful unpredictable pain that instantly reminds me im in danger there’s really no light heartedness in that phrase as its my worse reminder…however laying and just surviving was all I could do with my hollow body and brain. At three I fumbled off to work protesting with hatred Reith in my body ,if I was aloud to scream I might have done so ..at 6 pm I was finished three hours and that said a lot for me ! As the night rolled on so did anxiety and panic and my voices in the head searching for reassurance  rang our help line mental health and some how she thought she new how to solve my problems by telling me to change my profession and how could I do my work like this ….its a subject that my family meaning my parents had  to have reality for me its a passion to work with others that cant communicate properly and strive for normality however it looks for different people it is a goal that looks beautiful at the end !However she forcefully carried on until accidentally one of our phones cut off and I said THANK GOD !!!

This morning i had to literally hall  my brain out of bed with instructions to co operate  till frustration hit with anger and my younger boy got everything…today I got a letter to see the psych again this time he wants a brain scan hooray maybe im just mad and not mental ,im not sure meds are entirely correct but I do know for certain this pattern is ready for my brain to find a happy place, its extremely exhausting living with un predictability iv been convinced itll kill me sooner if not later by that im just living off auto pilot if forgetfulness doesn’t join to forcefully ill manage to keep going.

 

Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to  say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I  stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

voices in my head

I

 

 

 

 

Back at therapy with great confusion!

Im not sure if I told yous but just before the year ended my therapist that I had emailed and ended therapy with ,had requested yet again we meet and talk things through….things we spoke about were greatly how she works and how it reflects the abuse iv been through in many different forms, there was lots of feelings bouncing around and at some stage this woman felt genuine or was I miss reading the feelings? its never been something iv been good at ,mostly my up bringing I craved just been love , but also blamed myself greatly for the abuse and when this woman got up and hugged me …I needed it ,and it felt good a feeling of never wanting to let go!

This week she emailed to set up new times ,firstly our days had changed ,and anxiety has greatly grown over the months since late October till now so much so im continuously  aware and hyper vigilant im living on meds…so changing days upset me greatly ! I arrived just on time on Tuesday  to find her door locked my heart pounding, mind racing .what was going on had I missed a call email?

trying to think rationally  left my heart was racing so bad I needed meds so back to the car I walked took meds and checked to see if I had missed her call or email NOTHING! I waited and slowly walked back 10 min later still wondering? This time her door was open it looked like she was late herself ,no apology but she greeted , I came in and sat down trying hard not to show my anxiety ,she asked how I was I said im trying hard to be ok …but im battling, my body turned towards the door but my face facing her she commented im aware you look like you ready to run, I laughed  definitely not im just comfortable   and my muscles are incredibly sore I had two panic attacks already…ok but right now how do you feel ,tired anxious ….

no you don’t try again why are you saying im wrong ? I no how I feel and this just feels like you making me say things that im not ..lisa stop putting it on me answer in you ..by  now I was getting annoyed! Well you tell me what I feel then ..no I asked you to check in..m honest in my anxiety and sore body so im not gonna try tell you something else.if I say lisa if you don’t turn and and face me engage properly you can leave what will you do …probably leave maybe ?  Tell me why you came to me ? to change some things  , what …well definitely to become more connected and deal with some real issues around the abuse ,sex ,intimacy with my husband,  And I think mostly be okay about my past and stop fighting with myself in these episode’s of panic! she laughs gently you know im right ….turn yourself now sit up and look at me …I battle to do it it takes minutes im breathing fast ..im no threat you ok ..fuck I know try telling my body I respond….lisa you ok Now do it…. I do it and start to cry ..fuck her !!!!

I think you scared fuck off I respond again I wanna run badly ..what you feeling to do ,RUN or walk around, well I don’t want you to move..

How come I feel so bewildered ,she says she wants me to feel myself what I feel right there and then, I say anxious she says no I say I don’t really no then I keep trying to look at her but its a staring game driving me insane awkward  …keep trying , I eventually loose myself and say it doesn’t matter what I say you don’t like my answer …you not trying FUCK ..as I now scared frightened ? I cry she leans forward to look at me its ok well keep trying….tell me how you feel about me ..nothing I say ,she smiles I feel warm just seeing you …I frown how come!

I try sit and just breath we do it together and suddenly I feeling lighter ,I mention what been connected feels like for me its softer and lighter less heavy she comments that she likes the expression. She keeps making me check feelings but it makes me wanna cry and I begin again..

she tells me that shes glad I never went else were because maybe someone would just except my way of feeling and never teach me anymore or maybe walk away from me ! I laugh and say silently in my head it wouldn’t be a first!

Iv been left keeping track of gentleness and trying to harbor less hatred in all aspects but hell its hard ….to in my process im dealing with hubby loosing his job and its growing my anxiety

what a night/morning

It’s just gone nearly 3 am in nz and I’m well and truly battling the night….

It started with a dr visit for work that took me in trigger mode a fight for xray that weren’t going to happen. .soon after pain came full into my chest that was early evening by 1 am still wide awake the family in SA ring saying my aunt who long faught  cancer had just died …it was a shock as Christmas they all gathered together and she was in good spirits just yesterday I heard the tumor had caused a bleeding in the brain  and she was in loads of pain and could no longer reconize my uncle. .Im thankful it happened fast and she rests in the good lords hands and the fight has ended in relief!

It’s 3 :10 am wide awake and I still have chest pain and I’m waiting for that xray for a work client and ambulance. …

Not sleeping, chest pain and bad news and a trigered dr visit are my combination for irritation and bad anxiety!

Hopefully writing will calm so of!

I’m trying hard

opening up

Its being a long and hard for me and I guess others in the family too as they watch and try support… I was asked this week as I met up with someone who’s walked in  my journey for some years, what will this year look like ?…..in all honesty I have the feeling to talk more up more than I ever have….there’s this 7 year old who’s tired of being suppressed , undermined and what ever else you’d like to call it….its now my turn to rise !

My emotions are very roar and some point this week Iv felt like it might be an attack rather than voicing my thoughts on how people who let me down and abused me …or is this me just me thinking again I don’t want to  hurt others ,that piece has been a huge obstacle In my recovery….Dammit my life revolved around been abused from being sexually abused to been physically abused ,manipulated put down, taken advantage of and even loosing my family .and  I question whether ill hurt these people  ?Im the one hurting im the one who has triggers ,nightmares, dissociates from my real self, im the one who battles with mental health issues to now …..I want to scream to my abusers on top of voice that I  think each one of you should battle these things ,not me!

Iv asked my support person to make contact for therapy to begin again and by sounds of things its going to happen soon next week, even as I write I know I should feel relief but im heavy and very teary eyed breathing is hard its like its always trying to move through my throat the words echo in my head but no real sound comes out…Its like suffocating on my own! There’s something about suffocating on my own that reminds me of the rape, and never being able to talk even now im never ok after just trying to get some of the stuff out they did to me …actually im fine talking at first then hours later it hits and im brutally taken back, cripple for days as I try crawl out…theres periods I need to talk about this piece but once was enough to crawl and its just to hard to figure out how.