Im not sure if I told yous but just before the year ended my therapist that I had emailed and ended therapy with ,had requested yet again we meet and talk things through….things we spoke about were greatly how she works and how it reflects the abuse iv been through in many different forms, there was lots of feelings bouncing around and at some stage this woman felt genuine or was I miss reading the feelings? its never been something iv been good at ,mostly my up bringing I craved just been love , but also blamed myself greatly for the abuse and when this woman got up and hugged me …I needed it ,and it felt good a feeling of never wanting to let go!
This week she emailed to set up new times ,firstly our days had changed ,and anxiety has greatly grown over the months since late October till now so much so im continuously aware and hyper vigilant im living on meds…so changing days upset me greatly ! I arrived just on time on Tuesday to find her door locked my heart pounding, mind racing .what was going on had I missed a call email?
trying to think rationally left my heart was racing so bad I needed meds so back to the car I walked took meds and checked to see if I had missed her call or email NOTHING! I waited and slowly walked back 10 min later still wondering? This time her door was open it looked like she was late herself ,no apology but she greeted , I came in and sat down trying hard not to show my anxiety ,she asked how I was I said im trying hard to be ok …but im battling, my body turned towards the door but my face facing her she commented im aware you look like you ready to run, I laughed definitely not im just comfortable and my muscles are incredibly sore I had two panic attacks already…ok but right now how do you feel ,tired anxious ….
no you don’t try again why are you saying im wrong ? I no how I feel and this just feels like you making me say things that im not ..lisa stop putting it on me answer in you ..by now I was getting annoyed! Well you tell me what I feel then ..no I asked you to check in..m honest in my anxiety and sore body so im not gonna try tell you something else.if I say lisa if you don’t turn and and face me engage properly you can leave what will you do …probably leave maybe ? Tell me why you came to me ? to change some things , what …well definitely to become more connected and deal with some real issues around the abuse ,sex ,intimacy with my husband, And I think mostly be okay about my past and stop fighting with myself in these episode’s of panic! she laughs gently you know im right ….turn yourself now sit up and look at me …I battle to do it it takes minutes im breathing fast ..im no threat you ok ..fuck I know try telling my body I respond….lisa you ok Now do it…. I do it and start to cry ..fuck her !!!!
I think you scared fuck off I respond again I wanna run badly ..what you feeling to do ,RUN or walk around, well I don’t want you to move..
How come I feel so bewildered ,she says she wants me to feel myself what I feel right there and then, I say anxious she says no I say I don’t really no then I keep trying to look at her but its a staring game driving me insane awkward …keep trying , I eventually loose myself and say it doesn’t matter what I say you don’t like my answer …you not trying FUCK ..as I now scared frightened ? I cry she leans forward to look at me its ok well keep trying….tell me how you feel about me ..nothing I say ,she smiles I feel warm just seeing you …I frown how come!
I try sit and just breath we do it together and suddenly I feeling lighter ,I mention what been connected feels like for me its softer and lighter less heavy she comments that she likes the expression. She keeps making me check feelings but it makes me wanna cry and I begin again..
she tells me that shes glad I never went else were because maybe someone would just except my way of feeling and never teach me anymore or maybe walk away from me ! I laugh and say silently in my head it wouldn’t be a first!
Iv been left keeping track of gentleness and trying to harbor less hatred in all aspects but hell its hard ….to in my process im dealing with hubby loosing his job and its growing my anxiety
From the Darkness into the Sunshine 