Category Archives: meds

Rolling skies means rolling moods!

Have you ever watched the skies as the weather changes? ,lately as I watch I see myself ,I feel myself in either utter turmoil or peace like the winds have died down and I can relax!

The weeks that have past have been extremely busy with either fighting my illness or screaming that God will here my prayers over my family as they fight for there lives -My sister in laws husband is deteriorating fast last weekend was admitted to icu his lung colapased the cancer is spreading fast ,his become confused. .I’m lost on how to help other than a phone calls and texts of love then there’s the fact my mom’s body is refusing it’s new body parts in fact it’s hating it ,a blood transfusion was given her white cells are over the moon and iron count is so so low in the interim they testing for cancer too she’s had it before but there’s alerts that her bone density is extremely weak. .-then there was my sister she was diagnosed out of pure luck with a rapid fast growing cancer a few weeks ago she had calcified cells and then they found this cancer she had a tumor removed now she faces at 48 yrs of age a double mastectomy – its hard watching my family all around fight!

Last week was my turn I had a phychiatrist appointment that as usual is always brutal ..my feelings around getting his support was as suspected he isn’t seeing me anymore as I don’t take meds (Thanks dr I appreciate your care idiot ) sorry but I would have thought I’d get some after care as I asked very clearly please just support me well I try ,if it fails I need that buffer close by I won’t notice it’s failing! All that and he was only concerned about my heart irregularly beating -Thursday my gp saw me as I got up to walk over into her room she said you not looking happy? Mmm I’m probably not after a hour appointment of crying voicing my concerns hearing jacque say her concerns I somehow felt she’d be there and we understood one another around the meds so she sent me for a ecg the only thing at present is my heart beat is slow so I’ll know next week as jacque wants to see me weekly or fortnightly depending on how I feeling mentally.
This was all last week the week proir Thursday I had wrap and therapy and I think been honest helped it been a great day I even walked patches with Nikita lol a cat that followed, but then from Friday it down hilled fast and whole of last week ,iv been left with new script for meds to think about and as I’m not giving in yet …I’ll just leave it there!😫

This weekend I’m looking after my sick family they been awake all night coughing and now im gonna make breakfast and just continue to try chill.😷:(😪:twisted::roll:

Uncertainty and fear

The weeks are relentlessly painful in terms of guessing who will stay by my side …people or humans are strange we either don’t verbalize we leaving or we do it screaming guns and roses. ..iv had ups and downs concentration been a bummer and then anxiety and a plus sex a must to reduce anxiety wow how lucky hubby thinks he is strangely it’s something iv always hated and still do 😨how could I explain other than visions been to awful of the past and yet an mixture of liking the feeling as it seems nice ..oddly all child like ,but for me truly it reduces my anxiety hugely at present IT’S A MUST !

Last week I started getting sick with the flu and iv manage slowly through it as i only work 1 to 2 hours a day now honestly I can’t manage longer as anxiety grows and almost kills me..but this week I’m doing 4 hours a day moving from client to client and I fall in the door crying anxiety extremely high till the night falls and I shower eat and go off to our warm bed, sleeping is hard as I feel my heart pounding away so sex it is to reduce my anxiety and I briefly fall asleep exhausted for 3 hours and then I’m hyperactive I’m very wide awake ready for the day so I close the door between rooms and get busy. …
This week tomorrow I meet becs at therapy and I’m worried? ??
My theory of no meds comes and goes around why I’m doing it but I’m always back to the same point iv got to fight for me to survive. .they don’t understand me i don’t want them to see that weak poor me ….that feels like she’s been present at therapy for a few sessions.
My feelings are they always wanna pull me down. .I have wrap program too tomorrow and iv decided fuck them I’m not lying about not taking meds they need to know some people or most I’m sure could survive without meds if really great support is there ,either they except me or PISS OFF …
My husband has decided the first decline in my mental health and his gone this time his done it long enough, shame I am only trying to be true to me and so I’m trying hard ..FUCKING TRUE TO ME!! DO U KNOW I WAKE EVERY MORNING STILL WISHING IT WILL CHANGE MY PAST..NO U DON’T HEY đŸ˜„
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Anger with medicine

I’m at war at present. ..it sucks I stopped meds on the anniversary of my trauma I wanna be ok ,why the hell do I need meds for something that was never my fault! :'(They say I need it for chemical in balance in my brain but the war is so strong I can’t except it ..ya just in February I ended in hospital and respite for three weeks due to server highs and low …now I’ve just stopped sleeping yesterday I’m hyperactive I can’t relax and to crown it all every one is against me “take meds or we leaving in all this is my family and my therapist!
Today’s war with Becs the therapist  goes like this..

Well its ur choice to stop ..but I’m sad as ur day to day experience will become worse,I don’t understand y u ceased to stop as u likely to deteriorate badly. .

My reply I just wanna be normal I’m sick of taking meds to help I can try ..I don’t wanna be like my mother an addict and I wanna be NORMAL! !
I JUST WANTED MY FAMILY TO SUPPORT ME DOING THIS WITH OUT MEDS…
Becs reply …then prove u ok to us all..go well bec

I’m trying to make others see my logic  is so incredibly hard everyone of my support wanna run😤
What the hell ????

Changes agrivating my ptsd

Anxiety my close friend I thought iv known how u effect me but on a regular basis you amaze me to show me up …
In straight I hate you!
Joy turns into pounding floating brain
Love i disassociate from

We moving and instead of happiness I have bad chest pain…
it ticks all our boxes rural but public transport available
Bigger living area
closed back yard not to big but just great for our hunter way
Double garage
Shopping centers and libraries
All of the above we don’t have in this lovely town we currently stay
I’m temp teaching and tomorrow orientation at another organization for temp work all added stress!

My therapist txt saying Thursday at 11 we can meet I’m exstatic😆 her been away last week left feelings of been abandon and I wanted to cry hearing her say I’m back i haven’t left you and won’t ok…does that cause more anxiety hell ya but instead I know it shouldn’t!

All is causing pain

substantially moody

Things change so radically for me and this week iv decided im gonna take more things into my hands hopefully for a better outcome….iv been adding extra med to sleep this is helping some mornings on a high meaning at lunch im crashing or little latter aggravation emerges and then the usual numb brain,fretting to find words etc other times im great i love those day!

This week im off to my GP as my psych will only see me every two months bummer,as i need him now this weekend prevails agony

life’s ups and downs well fighting my illness

Its been a while since posting any happenings in my world its  just like agitation turns into anxiety, its the same with trying to write it down all the other pieces happening confuse my poor brain more that I want to run rather!

Some will remember a few weeks ago I met with a detective who was going to talk me through my process of wanting to bring my case to trial or maybe im not even that far but expose my abusers  ,this was massive for me as iv lived this journey of sexual abuse for most my life alone until I began therapy here in NZ and told my story my family now know ,however nothing changes in terms of its me that suffers and he continues to post his wonderful life all over social media ..there’s too the problem I sit with that there is in total 7 abusers “BREATH” -The process in short would start by them investigating me ,as years have past and they would need to back track who all new me and what type of child I was and the family dynamics of that….Im instantly filled to high heights of anxiety “why me ?why the need to be every thing related to me before investigating him —ya I get people lie ,tell stories etc. but really i suffer with mental illness now because of the trauma they inflicted. I sit with BPD ,PTSD,Type two bipolar and life continues up and down painfully. So well I decide were to with starting  any legal stuff im just sitting with it as im unable to make a clear decision. There has been other positive stuff happening, in the midst hubby and our younger son joined supporting families with mental illness, it was good having him alongside me and my son on the other side they participated laughed with all however I spoke of our son the older one and I was filled with fear of hearing how hard it was for my family and was clearly glad they went along too…however when we left hubby voiced he was disappointed that I brought our older sons illness into it ,why not my own challenges ? I agreed but kept my fear of how fearful I was hearing them talk about me! The weekend that followed was huge my children have never known about the abuse I endured for years and how my family did nothing ,in saying this its never been about my family doing nothing but more protecting my children “somehow crazily” so I sat my youngest down as he saw me read a text from my dad and cry ,his incredibly sensitive ,caring kid asking what’s up I said grandpa wants me to come to South Africa for his 70th birthday …he saying go mom and im sobbing ,I cant why not? And I tell him that years ago I was sexually abused by a cousin who is grandpas sister and they will be there at his party ..ahh he says iv wondered for years what was wrong but now I understand mom. It went without saying not to tell his older brother yet as he hasn’t been well either and processing for him would be incredibly difficult but I intend to do so in good time!

Each day im struggling  worse ,I saw my psych a few weeks back and they were both saying how important it is that DBT begins soon for me the waiting list 6months + and iv already been waiting 9 months   ..I battle continuously hourly up /down with my moods and changing between personalities that drive me insane by the time I catch myself iv caused mayhem with who ever I was talking too or worse off I don’t notice anything wrong “crap”  ,i definitely don’t have different people living in me but I certainly do fluctuate  radically! Iv had a counsellor for a while since last year but nothing was definite in times or days and then this year I went down hill with mom and my stuff I ended up in respite with her help …Becs text often checking on me how thing were going etc but the gap was so big someone else ended up getting a permanent appointment and all she could do was fit me in n cancellation About a week ago maybe little more I started playing with my meds sleep was as usual hectic violent night mares left me screaming gasping for air so ,yet alone around 2.30pm I start having panic attack shaking so add my clonazepam only halve of 0.5mg then at bed I shower first take usual night meds and add zoplecone by this time im ready to be knocked out I remember nothing ..my determination to remember nothing is causing relationship problems as I want to take it as soon as hubbys home ,meaning its barely 7ish and im well and truly ready to surrender the pain ,shaking, heart palpitations and muscle spasms to the meds for sleep…im trying to push it some nights to 8 ..in waking the next day alone as hubby and my son leave early im like an energised bunny or maybe ADHD ?so I saw Becs last week and was very hyper ,we had decided we would begin work on my past for only 15,20min a session so there fore allowing time to check I was grounded and ok..we laughed and she really checked in I was ok to start when she asked something triggering I guess or maybe not F*** I was gone floating in out but dissociated completely we very briefly really very little spoke about what season it happened, I told of the game he made us play ,me alone there after it was raining ……I then began to laugh hysterically she asked what’s up ?funny I thought I was In trouble with you now for telling ! Bec answers “ah” of course you would ,then my laughing changes to sobbing ,pacing ,telling myself im stupid ….Becs talks me down you not stupid leaning forward into me softly …im trying to just breath but its so erratic my chest hurts I jump up grab a toy from her shelve and begin to manipulate it in my hand hard I want to tell her more I say, she sits waiting the hard toy in my hand reminds me of the force of his hands and mouth but I cant tell her yet ….then anger comes full on I throw the toy and run to be outside an open door I want to bash my head its numb but my body starts hurting my bottom sends sharp pain into me and my jaw stiffens so bad ,Becs sits with me as I come back slowly talking softly  you ok .The day that follows im sick badly not even did meds help me sleep by the third day im putting things in place that I need at therapy but then hubby rings unexpectedly saying hello my sexy wife BOOM BANG what do you mean im sick of your sayings etc. Hubby darling ,darling I meant nothing sexually bang goes our call and my day was over nothing Becs said made sense between her and hubby my brain thought they needed something from me….its an big problem!! After this our boy had teacher parent interview the next day ,his doing exceptional ,and was exciting for us as parents to hear he has also been nominated most improved student at MIT for his year ,which his not aware of yet “so proud” though coming home I was faced in Auckland’s horrendous traffic at 6.40 in the evening  were I was in the middle lane having a full panic attack and our son helping me through it, this to has become a norm of continues panic in public .

Thursday I was rang with Three interviews meaning that I couldn’t go with my family to new Plymouth im home alone  in pure panic will I get sick again and have to surrender to work ,im supported there and back but it doesn’t stop my panic attacks im just with some one ,however Fridays interview is over i think I never got it .Last Night I never slept mental health are checking regularly on me ,like every second day but it doesn’t help asking the same questions  want to scream I know there’s reasons for checking on me..but id rather not be experiencing up/downs so extremely

 

My new baby

Nikita

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Nikita arrived home the same day I came from respite she only 10 weeks old and her and patches slowly are settling better. ..
She’s been a great comfort for me at night when I’m not sleeping đŸ˜„
I LOVE MY DEAR ANIMAS GREATLY

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Patches

So iv spent my morning loving Nikita and patches they soothe my anxiety even though I’m still going through the motions đŸ˜„ I feel a little like iv taken no meds this morning  does this mean  an increase again soon? I’m not sure but I know it’s Saturday and when Home base team arrive I won’t wanna hear there crap again related to meds I just want a solution to sleep but it feels like it’ll be my own journey my own fight to get my health on track up until now nothing is helping ,sometimes odd  extra meds has helped with some more sleep but few days later it’s not helping so I figured it’s not worth  anxiety even though anxiety stays it’s different with meds my FIGHT is still huge iv had to resort to having no contact with mom even though I worry about her,the fact she using drugs effects me to badly ..so iv had to leave her well i fumble through my memories on my own 😩