Increase in meds day 6

Iv since taken new steps to help myself my mood wasn’t changing and so iv started a new increase in meds 6 days in with my GP help I’m glad to say the violent headache has subsided “thank God “😭 the pain has been hurendous!
However anxiety is present very much but I’m trying hard to keep going for two weeks until the next increase AND I’M BATTLING TONIGHT 🌒

Night from hell

Yesterday so much happened, after the interview vicki took me i broke down she had my prn clonozepam and I hung on until I got in at respite. .later I could feel my anxiety taking over I had tried walking around and by this stage it was rising rapidly I approached a staff to talk it through and she said…
“Im busy well talk later when I got time ”
I felt so alone that ending it all came over heavily so when she saw me two hours later I was bleeding, shouting at me she told me she doesn’t have time for this and forced a male staff to help,
I was overdosed by her and taken to hospital I feel sick

Hospital visit

My brain took over and no help was given, she was rude demanding talking done on me as I wept she vigorously wiped blood away called a clinician who instructed her to give me 4x my dose of antiphychotic meds within minutes i was paralyzed heart racing and a ambulance was called, there was no doubt I was overdosed because the bloody clinician wouldn’t come see me,the gentle st Johns paramedic  reassured me and all through the night i was taken care at middlemore hospital  until the syptoms had just about worn off,now the effects are tight sore muscles and blurred eye sight as i stumble around groggy and angry I try fight the demons that want me to end my life ,noise hypervigalance are aggravating it …

Nothing has changed with my mom and that continues to hurt or worry me i don’t wanna be alone and we continue to misunderstand  one another my thought process just can’t handle it

What’s new and our updated version of health

Costrochondritis ,is our boys new diagnosis it’s inflammation of the chest cartridge and for no real reason can develop. .the treatment remains the same as for a viral infection of the heart, inflammatories of a different sort are prescribed so we began today. .as to his activities it remains the same his still relatively still but doing ok!

Tonight I had contact with the family in sa they’ve arrived home safely. .but the conversation went very much like this..
ME–How was your flight home ?
THEM–very long you know we had a 10 hour stop over in Singapore. .
ME– shame wow it is incredibly long but so greatful to see you guys again, and of course glad it’s not me flying again. .hence the panic attacks in my flight to NZ 7 years ago. .lol
THEM–well you know next time lisa it will have to be you because we can’t do it again  (not because of money let me tell you now!) But my family forcing me to fly again. .
Anyway lisa hope you happy you told your dad about the abuse and rapes and you can move on with life now get over it ..you know his still not sure what to do about it ..his hurting you know!
ME– GRRR get over it i wish I fucking could. ..except I never said that but ya ya I bet he hurts I do too!! And now you wanna do something? Never said it either
It’s a first I raced with a pounding heart to get off Skype. .expectations from all over ..Hubby arrived home I’m glad don’t get me wrong but his expectations are full on too and my experiences of lately are overwhelming me sleep deprived and anxiety at a all time high I threw meds away this week and have suffered without even noticing the effects on me ..existing but been non existent. .here but not here ..disociation my long time friend who arrives when all seems so bad,I’m greatful!
This week I also had major work changes we lost a contract and my hours are reduced. .happy hell ya I can now excit this world of incredible triggers and stay home in my safe quite place hide behind my couch. ..
It’s a huge piece lately I don’t wanna be around people I have extreme anxiety and feelings of wanting to die rather. .by this i don’t mean I’ll kill myself but ya the feelings are there and are exchausting. .

Today we spoke about how much more I can endure I’m trying hard for my support at mental health to hear me as well as hubby
I was given zopleclone to sleep and more eppilum with a wish by a dr I never met to continue oh ya and a passed on diagnosis that he wondered if biopolar was more it ..and maybe we can meet Tuesday. .???
Will I even go if it’s about a diagnosis again. .or change of meds,NO !!