Rolling skies means rolling moods!

Have you ever watched the skies as the weather changes? ,lately as I watch I see myself ,I feel myself in either utter turmoil or peace like the winds have died down and I can relax!

The weeks that have past have been extremely busy with either fighting my illness or screaming that God will here my prayers over my family as they fight for there lives -My sister in laws husband is deteriorating fast last weekend was admitted to icu his lung colapased the cancer is spreading fast ,his become confused. .I’m lost on how to help other than a phone calls and texts of love then there’s the fact my mom’s body is refusing it’s new body parts in fact it’s hating it ,a blood transfusion was given her white cells are over the moon and iron count is so so low in the interim they testing for cancer too she’s had it before but there’s alerts that her bone density is extremely weak. .-then there was my sister she was diagnosed out of pure luck with a rapid fast growing cancer a few weeks ago she had calcified cells and then they found this cancer she had a tumor removed now she faces at 48 yrs of age a double mastectomy – its hard watching my family all around fight!

Last week was my turn I had a phychiatrist appointment that as usual is always brutal ..my feelings around getting his support was as suspected he isn’t seeing me anymore as I don’t take meds (Thanks dr I appreciate your care idiot ) sorry but I would have thought I’d get some after care as I asked very clearly please just support me well I try ,if it fails I need that buffer close by I won’t notice it’s failing! All that and he was only concerned about my heart irregularly beating -Thursday my gp saw me as I got up to walk over into her room she said you not looking happy? Mmm I’m probably not after a hour appointment of crying voicing my concerns hearing jacque say her concerns I somehow felt she’d be there and we understood one another around the meds so she sent me for a ecg the only thing at present is my heart beat is slow so I’ll know next week as jacque wants to see me weekly or fortnightly depending on how I feeling mentally.
This was all last week the week proir Thursday I had wrap and therapy and I think been honest helped it been a great day I even walked patches with Nikita lol a cat that followed, but then from Friday it down hilled fast and whole of last week ,iv been left with new script for meds to think about and as I’m not giving in yet …I’ll just leave it there!😫

This weekend I’m looking after my sick family they been awake all night coughing and now im gonna make breakfast and just continue to try chill.😷:(😪:twisted::roll:

Part 3 of inbedded memories sexual violence and addiction

So well we whisked to dads to live and subjected to his brutality of been hit across the head many times in a day when we never answered his questions how he thought the answer should be our pain and resentment grew bigger for hating our only family .

At this stage my sister was out of home I think waiting to get married in the next few months coming ,but dad brought her to into this except she was quite forceful in her conversations with him ,but never felt like we were been protected by her either,though who knows maybe she thought she was been protective? So well living there I often had fights with my step mom who strangely I liked she was much younger than my dad except in her frustration she would put me through brutality over mom and our clothes how they never matched up to dads expectations, they were in all honesty old tattered and torn we were like street children!

In this time mom was again in rehab and dad had began to through her finances , health records and pharmacy accounts and Dr visits notify all of her fraudulent activity….Ya you guess correct mom came home from rehab got a new place cheaper to rent only to find out all this that dad had done well the words flew like eagles of the skies dad started making us walk to the train station together meaning me and my brothers and without fail each morning he would be there watching standing on the platform to see us climb on STRANGE who makes there kids walk 15min to a station and then they there??? But it wasn’t hard to fathom out why he was going to take us for good from mom and I had heard many stories at night and during the day to his lawyer around custody rights and our well being ,ya we would have had food ,clothes and money and a permanent roof over our head ,but still no love or trust ..WE WERE STILL BROKEN KIDS! During the day after school we often were dropped at my aunt his sister the cousin that sexually abused me daily ,though now living further apart before dad stepping in things were at a minimal of only holiday sexual brutality ,dad was quite well off owning three of his own business so often my cousins were invited with and id be subjected to his sexual needs..but with now dad having us it felt like it was daily again and some how I didn’t protest anymore I was at his service as gross as it sounds his wishes I did as told=always still that piece internally saying if dad new he would kill me and at 15 still believed it.

At this stage my step mom and dad were only engaged and I guess she was young had no kids and the daunting thoughts of these kids coming into a new marriage was extremely hard..So around this dad began to talk to me about boarding school I cried said no put up fights I was incredibly home sick kid and was feeling the effects of this life big time ,and so was released back into moms care, the boys remained with dad for a while longer. It wasn’t long and we were altogether again the boys come a few weeks later all seemed ok,and then mom started been drugged out of her mind again sleeping ll hour of day never there driving under the influence ,this particular day my older brother now probably 10 I think got into a fight with mom and kicked her in the breast full on mom slapped him and days went on as we used to until it was down hill ,mom was at my grandmothers when she found a lump in her breast I was there I remember thinking DRAMA QUEEN my grandmother mad her make an appointment were the Dr drew fluid off the breast sent it away…In between this the crazy uncle moms brother was in the bathroom supposedly having anxiety attack but needing his two years help I just remember her screaming and him saying its ok darling [Fuck …he was sexually abusing her too] The next day I arrived home from school we went to my aunty moms sister when the Dr called mom was scheduled for a mastectomy cancer was present.

So again the boys went to my dad and I luckily got out of it and stayed at my sister mom had a full breast removed and all her glands pretty scary now at the thought ! A few days later I was sent home with mom to care for her my uncle been the driver for Dr visits etc .That night of moms first night home was my ending to my sexual abuse except I didn’t know it yet ….mom layed zonked out of her mind on painkillers that night me in my room sleeping I was woken with a large 8foot man on my back ,i tried pushing him off but nothing budged him I became aware it was my uncle  ,he grabbed hold of my hair well I fought and with another hand held his hand over my mouth well he penetrated me anally kissing my neck I wasn’t gonna give up this fight…..

DAY 2 OF MY NEW MEDS INCREASE

Last night was day two of increase in meds sleep never came easy its penalizing me more the meds than helping with sleep ..I woke briefly from a dream he was there trying to keep me from my family well walking he was in-between threating me if I tell ill suffer I was petrified even when I opened my eyes to see our room I couldn’t move still. Now this afternoon my key worker rang not hearing a word how meds makes me feel and shutting me down ..until I said Angela it doesn’t matter what meds my mom was addicted to hear me im petrified ,as a response all I got was mmm ill tell the Dr again.

Protected: Saying goodbye

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