It seems to have slowed down the mood cycling however I’m on edge still as it was most aware few days how quickly it changed my mood almost by the minutes. ..today I continued but thankfully slower cycling. .
Jeanique and I met I’d been writing down the changes if I could remember as the change happened ..jeanique was worried and last night honestly I thought I was going to hospital.
Was this my bipolar disorder or DID causing havoc? I’ll see the doctor next week it’s possible they Co exist . .it’s now 57 hours of cycling
I’m panic stricken and exhausted as things lie …we off to new Plymouth to support my husband’s sister tommorow things have got really bad we looking at two three weeks left now…my sister will under go double mastectomy Monday and mom is in so much pain she wants to end her life….
Well I battle friday i smashed my head in to the window and it bounced back into my arm leaving me rithing in pain ,I want to be able to be there for our family “but” I’m battling and I’m hating my sudden feelings of panic attacks ,today I shouted at becs during therapy to stop well talking about mom and then I battled to breathe and had to leave …what failure I feel 😭the feeling is just exchausting and horrible!
Have you ever watched the skies as the weather changes? ,lately as I watch I see myself ,I feel myself in either utter turmoil or peace like the winds have died down and I can relax!
The weeks that have past have been extremely busy with either fighting my illness or screaming that God will here my prayers over my family as they fight for there lives -My sister in laws husband is deteriorating fast last weekend was admitted to icu his lung colapased the cancer is spreading fast ,his become confused. .I’m lost on how to help other than a phone calls and texts of love then there’s the fact my mom’s body is refusing it’s new body parts in fact it’s hating it ,a blood transfusion was given her white cells are over the moon and iron count is so so low in the interim they testing for cancer too she’s had it before but there’s alerts that her bone density is extremely weak. .-then there was my sister she was diagnosed out of pure luck with a rapid fast growing cancer a few weeks ago she had calcified cells and then they found this cancer she had a tumor removed now she faces at 48 yrs of age a double mastectomy – its hard watching my family all around fight!
Last week was my turn I had a phychiatrist appointment that as usual is always brutal ..my feelings around getting his support was as suspected he isn’t seeing me anymore as I don’t take meds (Thanks dr I appreciate your care idiot ) sorry but I would have thought I’d get some after care as I asked very clearly please just support me well I try ,if it fails I need that buffer close by I won’t notice it’s failing! All that and he was only concerned about my heart irregularly beating -Thursday my gp saw me as I got up to walk over into her room she said you not looking happy? Mmm I’m probably not after a hour appointment of crying voicing my concerns hearing jacque say her concerns I somehow felt she’d be there and we understood one another around the meds so she sent me for a ecg the only thing at present is my heart beat is slow so I’ll know next week as jacque wants to see me weekly or fortnightly depending on how I feeling mentally.
This was all last week the week proir Thursday I had wrap and therapy and I think been honest helped it been a great day I even walked patches with Nikita lol a cat that followed, but then from Friday it down hilled fast and whole of last week ,iv been left with new script for meds to think about and as I’m not giving in yet …I’ll just leave it there!😫
This weekend I’m looking after my sick family they been awake all night coughing and now im gonna make breakfast and just continue to try chill.😷:(😪:twisted::roll:
The weeks are relentlessly painful in terms of guessing who will stay by my side …people or humans are strange we either don’t verbalize we leaving or we do it screaming guns and roses. ..iv had ups and downs concentration been a bummer and then anxiety and a plus sex a must to reduce anxiety wow how lucky hubby thinks he is strangely it’s something iv always hated and still do 😨how could I explain other than visions been to awful of the past and yet an mixture of liking the feeling as it seems nice ..oddly all child like ,but for me truly it reduces my anxiety hugely at present IT’S A MUST !
Last week I started getting sick with the flu and iv manage slowly through it as i only work 1 to 2 hours a day now honestly I can’t manage longer as anxiety grows and almost kills me..but this week I’m doing 4 hours a day moving from client to client and I fall in the door crying anxiety extremely high till the night falls and I shower eat and go off to our warm bed, sleeping is hard as I feel my heart pounding away so sex it is to reduce my anxiety and I briefly fall asleep exhausted for 3 hours and then I’m hyperactive I’m very wide awake ready for the day so I close the door between rooms and get busy. …
This week tomorrow I meet becs at therapy and I’m worried? ??
My theory of no meds comes and goes around why I’m doing it but I’m always back to the same point iv got to fight for me to survive. .they don’t understand me i don’t want them to see that weak poor me ….that feels like she’s been present at therapy for a few sessions.
My feelings are they always wanna pull me down. .I have wrap program too tomorrow and iv decided fuck them I’m not lying about not taking meds they need to know some people or most I’m sure could survive without meds if really great support is there ,either they except me or PISS OFF …
My husband has decided the first decline in my mental health and his gone this time his done it long enough, shame I am only trying to be true to me and so I’m trying hard ..FUCKING TRUE TO ME!! DO U KNOW I WAKE EVERY MORNING STILL WISHING IT WILL CHANGE MY PAST..NO U DON’T HEY 😥
Moving can be stressful but I must say from all the moves iv done in my life this one has come at a great time …
The distraction is so much needed from my thoughts and feelings that iv thought would break me ,but instead even feeling sick I’m appreciative to it!
Hubby has left me today sorting the house well him and my son go on moving and that’s been good, listening to music and placing things in new spots has been therapeutic. .👍
im back at the house alone and im triggered hiding behind a couch trying to decide were boxs should go while noises surround me…im sick to the bone its fight or flight and im trying hard to contain it”fighting”
Month of may is hard it’s the anniversary of my abuse on my birthday, but the month leading up to it also the day we went to court and I moved into a children’s home 2 days before I was 16!
Taking care carefully and selecting my chores or day job is hard …I’m now in therapy weekly as we go gently through the motions 😥 I’m feeling heaps and learning slowly to trust Becs ,there times im little skeptical of her like something gonna happen until there’s some reassurance more so when im alone I’ll read her txt “She not leaving me” and I settle again .
In therapy we talking about the feelings that plague me and her continuous gentle questions about then leaves me now showing pieces of emotions of this fearful little girl that comes and goes ,this week in therapy I was crying without tears making noise that came from within they reminded me of that little girl hiding behind the couch surpressing my crying but making noise that oddly came up !
Becs keeps reminding me I’m now stronger I’m no longer her that age but she says it gently. ..today her txt reminded me once again I’m going no were im hear still😭
Purely exhausted and sick with gastro and moving I need comfort!
Things change so radically for me and this week iv decided im gonna take more things into my hands hopefully for a better outcome….iv been adding extra med to sleep this is helping some mornings on a high meaning at lunch im crashing or little latter aggravation emerges and then the usual numb brain,fretting to find words etc other times im great i love those day!
This week im off to my GP as my psych will only see me every two months bummer,as i need him now this weekend prevails agony