Well if having a bowel obstruction wasn’t enough I’m home developed bladder infection G came and gave me a remedy let’s clear things up the Following morning I woke and had a sore throat and ear infection full blown cold on top of it I feel tired like when I’m like this because I have nobody around G is my only support my family have been joking non-stop about the bowel obstruction and been saying things like you in a crappy mood or oh sorry I forgot it’s a shity mood and I know that they only joking but I had to try and explain all to the older one things happened in my life it’s just not funny it’s been hard but I feel incredibly down and triggered and I haven’t been at work for 4 weeks going and I feel useless
Todays my first day out but I managed to get a few groceries for my family I sort out my sick leave but I just feel incredibly venerable scared and sad that’s alright because all I do is cry I feel like I have gone through it all over again.
My boss rang this afternoon to find out I was doing I was honest it felt good to be honest and say im still sick battling through this.
Last few weeks have been hell iv been sick with diverticulitis and finally after my much resistance was admitted to hospital and I had some intervention and exploratory surgery…this has left me so triggered and vulnerable..my first night in hospital had moments of panic on off thank goodness G was around to talk a little and then there was an area with lazy boys next to my room so put my headphones in and listen to Hu until I fell asleep roughly after 11pm climbed straight into bed until 3am I was woken with pain so had meds and obs taken managed the rest through the night.
In short I had a bowel obstruction and after all this I’m raw and incredibly soar I was dehydrated so a drip was put in all the puncturing into my veins and been confined made me feel more vulnerable…
I was given a tranquilizer before the camera but I swear I remember everything.
i fought to be an adult trying to visualize myself on G lazy boy safe by the fire but I couldn’t I was that kid as it felt like a beer bottle going in ,I tried breathing I hang onto the bed crying as I gasped for air”I can’t explain enough how I fought as the pain screamed through me afterwards leaving me vulnerable and bleeding and sobbing .
I’m home and I still continue to battle to eat without pain now taking paracetamol every 5 hours on the dot not to mention other meds for vomiting and to keep my bowels moving.
More to come later
It’s been a while since I’ve I’ve written anything on my blog I’m slowly experiencing things more outside of normal
A fortnight ago we went away to Palmerston North on a weekend just to relax Brian trying desperately to get me away from work it’s been increasing more more pressure put on me it seems like there’s a few hours in the day I then find myself doing work at night
So this fortnight by myself went to Wellington to a South African concert that’s was so out of my comfort zone I traveled the first time by train I’m roughly an hour away from the city I never imagined that I would that many tunnels I thought shortly after the train pulled off I thought i was going to kill the train driver, arrived eventually in Wellington after communicating for most of the way with my old key worker i battled to breathe cried with my face against the window I pleaded with my brain to allow me to achieve this
Arrived at Wellington my legs would hardly hold me anxiety had affected me so badly that I could barely think
Slowly walked to a coffee shop on the station sat down then ring my husband I was there at that time he was in a meeting till 3
The South African concert was lovely and we were both exhausted so just after 11 we headed back to hotel for the night.. part of today heading off to work till midnight
This is even hard telling the story yeah has affected me in some ways more than others …
It’s a strange Kind of Feeling I just feel sad lonely and like I don’t want to exist I spent days cutting now and Johnny and can are back and the angry teenager I feel like everybody is going to walk out the door.
Last week kate left I was angry man one she couldn’t have picked a worse time another is she has known for weeks she leaving, it’s hard when you expected to trust somebody and the up and leave,now kate wasn’t my therapist she was my key worker doing therapy work with me and though it’s only been a few months it’s hard, guess what I’m not saying is it’s that time of the year again all of the stuff is very raw.
Honestly her offering me a new therapist and running after me to talk my brain doesn’t want to be there so I swore at her to f*** off it’s a point that I actually wonder is she stupid or does she just not read my notes that you would not know why I am experiencing this.
Yesterday I had the same thought about g she’s my homeopathy and for a while now I’ve been working on remedies for my voices and sleep deprivation it sometimes it’s a success other times it’s a no hit…
Yesterday she sent me an email sand she would never leave no never for me is a very strong word but further on in her email what you’re saying is she wouldn’t be here today and gone tomorrow like kate did to me, and a soft and gentleness she wishes I just accept she forever reminds me this is not my fault and I can’t blame myself for the abuse the dysfunctional family upbringing, but it hurts so bad I still just want to make it right I want to be held but wanna run it always feels so unfamiliar
No sleep equals aggravation, I’m trying to write but she so angry
There are others around, this day iv left home to run away im 15 it’s a nightmare but so true…what will transpire hurts
I’m listening to loud music to avoid her voice ho knows were this RD will go
I’ve recent weeks I’ve been going to therapy trying hard falling down picking myself up, I had a psychiatrist appointment that never went so well I ended up walking out and spending some time in the bathroom wanting to vomit G came to rescue me, in between me and her we decided that home was a better place..
My second attempt at the psychiatrist appointment was better she’s spoke mostly about how high my adrenal levels and cortisol levels are, and that’s by the stage I have no choice other than to take up a form of physical exercise like boxing , I was sent away with a sleeping tablet my past experience of this Tablet zopliclone oh is horrible.
What next transpired I could never imagine to have done, I left and went straight to gym now I know from past experience when I was at my welliest I was going to the gym 3 times a day so I know it works, however I walked into this gym see this woman sitting behind the counter and make headway to her and in one sentence blurt out what I’m looking for , boxing classes laugh out loud but funny she never laughed, she was
Incredibly helpful so what transpired the next few minutes probably half an hour was a strange kind of friendship with someone that I’ve never met and openly I explained I had PTSD.
In short the last couple of weeks I’ve been up some Downs the voices have been back, I’ve missed gym twice but through the entire experience I’ve kept going sometimes now we’re not back I’m pushing through Massive pieces that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had other horrible pieces that I wanted to self harm , hitting my head into wall but instead this time around I’ve had the thoughts but nothing has transpired.
It’s been a few triggers!
Nick hasn’t been well but eventually I got him to see the homeopathy. And he’s doing well now.
Next trigger that is playing a part the 16th of May it’s around the corner this is the worst day of my life and I cannot just feel how I’m going to get through it and in all honesty I think it’s been a massive part in my head yesterday the feeling of wanting to end dislike was big but instead I got through it, but again only with avoidance.
I wish jeanique was around last year was the first year it’s was different now I have a lot of new people around me that might not get anxious feeling makes me!