I woke they were talking and crying much …its Johnny and Can they here and I feel there pain 😢☹
It’s so sad the abandoment was huge piece been left on many levels we sought comfort together many days behind the couch with blankie and sun it soothed us and not to mention thumb in mouth tears would stream after each rape and each abandoned moment by mom .
It feels like it’s our time to just be …:
To just be together
Feel the warmth
And anticipate were we go
Emotions oh I so dislike the deregulation
I know it’s been awhile I haven’t written and oh boy there’s lots to put down or take out or come out
I don’t know how to start oh boy it’s hard
Well if having a bowel obstruction wasn’t enough I’m home developed bladder infection G came and gave me a remedy let’s clear things up the Following morning I woke and had a sore throat and ear infection full blown cold on top of it I feel tired like when I’m like this because I have nobody around G is my only support my family have been joking non-stop about the bowel obstruction and been saying things like you in a crappy mood or oh sorry I forgot it’s a shity mood and I know that they only joking but I had to try and explain all to the older one things happened in my life it’s just not funny it’s been hard but I feel incredibly down and triggered and I haven’t been at work for 4 weeks going and I feel useless
Todays my first day out but I managed to get a few groceries for my family I sort out my sick leave but I just feel incredibly venerable scared and sad that’s alright because all I do is cry I feel like I have gone through it all over again.
My boss rang this afternoon to find out I was doing I was honest it felt good to be honest and say im still sick battling through this.
Last few weeks have been hell iv been sick with diverticulitis and finally after my much resistance was admitted to hospital and I had some intervention and exploratory surgery…this has left me so triggered and vulnerable..my first night in hospital had moments of panic on off thank goodness G was around to talk a little and then there was an area with lazy boys next to my room so put my headphones in and listen to Hu until I fell asleep roughly after 11pm climbed straight into bed until 3am I was woken with pain so had meds and obs taken managed the rest through the night.
In short I had a bowel obstruction and after all this I’m raw and incredibly soar I was dehydrated so a drip was put in all the puncturing into my veins and been confined made me feel more vulnerable…
I was given a tranquilizer before the camera but I swear I remember everything.
i fought to be an adult trying to visualize myself on G lazy boy safe by the fire but I couldn’t I was that kid as it felt like a beer bottle going in ,I tried breathing I hang onto the bed crying as I gasped for air”I can’t explain enough how I fought as the pain screamed through me afterwards leaving me vulnerable and bleeding and sobbing .
I’m home and I still continue to battle to eat without pain now taking paracetamol every 5 hours on the dot not to mention other meds for vomiting and to keep my bowels moving.
More to come later
It’s been a while since I’ve I’ve written anything on my blog I’m slowly experiencing things more outside of normal
A fortnight ago we went away to Palmerston North on a weekend just to relax Brian trying desperately to get me away from work it’s been increasing more more pressure put on me it seems like there’s a few hours in the day I then find myself doing work at night
So this fortnight by myself went to Wellington to a South African concert that’s was so out of my comfort zone I traveled the first time by train I’m roughly an hour away from the city I never imagined that I would that many tunnels I thought shortly after the train pulled off I thought i was going to kill the train driver, arrived eventually in Wellington after communicating for most of the way with my old key worker i battled to breathe cried with my face against the window I pleaded with my brain to allow me to achieve this
Arrived at Wellington my legs would hardly hold me anxiety had affected me so badly that I could barely think
Slowly walked to a coffee shop on the station sat down then ring my husband I was there at that time he was in a meeting till 3
The South African concert was lovely and we were both exhausted so just after 11 we headed back to hotel for the night.. part of today heading off to work till midnight
This is even hard telling the story yeah has affected me in some ways more than others …