Of recent I’m not posting my struggles but I’m trying but really feels in vain..but I keep trying.. On Tuesday I venture to psychiatrist appointment as most know it’s been few years since off meds however I’m told I can’t continue therapy with out meds ..G will be there and my key worker but I really can’t feel if I’ll be co operative just because it’s what they want,that’s not fair to keep someone from therapy because of meds.😭
There’s more to post however I’m feeling like keeping it to myself
my mom is a drug addict addicted to all and every pain medication there is …But she’s been free for few years
But recently I detected her slurry voice and when I mentioned it my sister told me nonsense you exaggerate…
Tonight she rang to apologize mom is bad
After years of her hating neglecting and abuse it still hurts like fucking she’ll be my mom there for me to hold love like a mom should..why do I expect it? she allowed the rapes and abuse why would it change
BUT I WANT A MOM fuck you mom
So it comes out on me
I feel crippled exhausted hatred anger
I just wanna be held told I love you
But guess it never will.
Johnny and Can are around my alters but can has taken to asking many questions usually she never talks Johnny does all that but she’s full on..in my midst of separation again.
Few months back actually end of Nov we moved again due to husbands work,so its meant another disruption to my journey in 3 years of theraphy which is hard in general its crazy hard for me i just dont settle,so my old therapist has just connected me to the best EMDR therapist in NZ she actually knows her well but problem one she is an hour away and with dissociation she doesn’t recommend travel, two is nearly $200a hour but she is the best but i could only do 1 session a fornight. Its hard traveling this journey trying to connect live a life you love and be ok because im not OK . G my homeopath is very supportive and has trained n lots one of which is Bio energetics last week at a consultation she asked me about a fear of therapy i could almost immediately say it was the room been closed in this small room reminds me of were the abuse took place felt far away thick i could see my body lying there them doing stuff to me actually i could feel it ,she immediately stoped writing and said you safe im here with you as my body tried to come back i felt the urge to try run ,but i couldnt the sensation moved through my body i started to panic she got up was walking behind me to put her hand on my back ..lovingly she said its ok m here im not going any were as my body began to shack and shack cried with no control ,G just sat with me,saying let it go . The feeling of being stuck in your own head is hard but its another feeling fragmented and thick and far from reality.
I v started a new job as Team leader and yesterday had lots to say to a colleague felt horrible but the lack of responsibility taken is poor and i don’t have enough time in a day to follow through there half stuff so our team meeting cant come fast enough,but somehow ill need to be grounded to talk this professionally through.
The weekend was up and great then horribly down it was triggered by something I’m working on between B and myself iv battled sexual contact i so wanna be ok and I’m experiencing more enjoyable little moments but they far between this wasn’t one it was a horrible trigger i couldn’t breathe and couldn’t sleep….i emailed G but she hasn’t replied she usual replies straight away and so I’m feeling like shes had enough already, but it could also not be true Guess because i feel ok with her she does hear alot of stuff and however i have Kate from M/H I just was given to her i cant feel ok with her .
Numbness presents challenges i so wanna cut at times like this but healing is a challenge on its own as i cut in places others don’t and then i have that to battle through days later…At the time of cutting i feel no pain, i have to tell myself its enough roughly a few days later i begin to feel the pain iv caused and then I’m hypervigilant.