Its been a hard day today for me ,for many reasons …..MY BIGGEST BEEN IM SCARED OF ME ! Its night time again not that it mattered during the day as my demon stayed close reminding me of last night.
I worked during today and had to stay head strong my manager who knows I suffer with PTSD came in at lunch and stayed for an hour chatting to me ,you know the kind of chit chat that you know they checking you ok and it wasn’t what they actually saying they came for ,well it felt that way anyway !
when my shift ended a new lady that was meant to be there at 2 rang in saying she as running late, great I was thinking im meant orientate her now ill run later when she finally came SHE WAS LIKE A LOUD SPEACKER ON HIGH VOLUME,screaming its finally great to meet the fantastic lisa…I cringed she laughed,within minutes there was a numbness to her loudness I got straight onto orientation y head had zoned out ,she asked to have coffee before I left and I felt obligated to support further …..THEN the conversation goes were you from ,SA I say ..why choose NZ then I explain briefly better future for the kids and what we went through re hijacking ,she’s blown away. At this point I become calm I can feel it, its odd there’s a peace over me calmness we talk about kids she says some things I tell her of my boys history been born prem ,I feel different there’s something going on I sense heart ache and pain but I ignore it -without really taking in the full story she says you cant move away iv just met you ,I smile guess its life people come and go and I feel hopeless at this point saying it ,you horrible lis !
then she babbles about her kids and I sense that heart ache again shes now telling me that her friends new today was his anniversary for his death and he would be fourteen but ill be fine im fine …I get up heavy my brain screaming voices so loud in my head im more confused that im feeling and why she says im ok leave me please I cant I know pain I know what last night and today felt like and I so wished id been strong on my own or had someone to hold me tight.. And I hold her hold her tight like iv known her for years her pain raw she sobs and I just stay and hold her my hearts racing and im thanking god for this diversion and im thanking him my boy he is alive her boy died at 4months it hurts as I feel that.
I slowly move away saying im sorry for her loss ,she looks up and says thank you for your love I could feel you understood, your heart was pounding you know ,I smile I did know !
But no one knows what I went through last night its mine and im battling through today even and night has hit again SCAREDNESS PREVAILS,IM WONDERING IF ILL DO IT AGAIN …there was victory of stopping my body feeling last night that he had no control the pain the fear the hatred, know it tears you apart little by little.
And now they all no my pain what will they say or do with it still worries me ,ITS MINE.