Tag Archives: SELF HARM

Gnawing feeling of trying to get through ending things

I woke up today with this gnawing feeling i try to push it away, but it gets worse,it sucks it’s heavy to carry I think of my boys things that mean alot …

This feeling. It hurts. It stings. All the heartache, the stress the triggers gets to much…So if anyone thinks suicidal people are stupid, please realize that when you are holding your life , that it’s not easy to try think differently,it doesn’t go away like having a cold it’s lonely dark and heavy! 

Day by day hurting  until maybe I’ll say ENOUGH. . but let me tell you how hard it is to even say that iv been here before. It doesn’t go away the feeling without a fight a fight iv done My entire life on people hurting me ..

NO one can hurt me no more if I’m gone and finally It’ll be over….

I want you to know how much I don’t want to die be gone but wish for the pain to rather to be gone….it hurts like hell

It doesn’t stop unless you make it …Everything feels hard from showering to even communication with others I’m over it ..it’s to hard my head feels like it else were and things feel oddly around me I feel like things are cycling around and around. 

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Tracking feelings 

I’m now just passed a month and bit of meds free ,and it’s been quite a eye opener from all aspects mostly a brain that’s free of containment I often spoke how meds made my brain feel contained within its space but most of all my thoughts to enter therapy more openly and honestly has progressed .

Emdr is going well and though this week is a little rough I was honest and jeanique is more onto me ..suppose like this week iv battled to talk as I’m experiencing this little piece of triggers ,it’s been hard, confusing and I’m ?????who knows what! 

Last week anxiety was high and vomiting is at an all time high from this came unwelcome intrusive thoughts of ending my life and I’m hurting from self harm actually I feel sick , passed sensations that I’m more open about though I SO SO HATE THEM, I’m not lying I tried ending my life  but jeanique once again upped EMDR to help and I won’t dismiss my thoughts and will to succeed in therapy whether good or bad iv pushed through. 

Anxiety around dad ariving Tuesday is horrible as past experiences are there and dad’s always apologies for past and wants to know how I’m managing. .our older son is home and he to is coming down in meds good on him but his gay stories and un wanted language triggers me horribly yesterday well family were here I battled with anger and crying  sobbing guess I’ll deal with that too …I’m alive and though avoiding well im aware, I dodge feelings by pushing hours at work, sex and fighting I’m aware and I’m trying! 

Days feel long@ respite

I don’t really know how many days past but I’m un well, will I ever be well?
This is something I thought about mental illness sucks as i took my lunch time meds ,people look at you differently, i know my latest pieces of battling to process and my husband’s questions there something that makes me battle to answer my brain can’t find the answers. .
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Yesterday was worst I think my anxiety and voices forcefully came out by me throwing stuff and breaking glass at respite I tried running from it ,but it was Anna who made me sit and talk it out whether it made sense or not,till 11.15 she stayed from the afternoon talking it through. Night came I was petrified and again it had me up running around outside till I was exhausted of the fight that i found glass and cut myself staff tried helping but i was so verbal, mental health was called now all I know is I’m getting more antiphychotic meds hopefully by tonight
It’s not me is all I know. .but were did me go?
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Trying to look after me but failing

Its been a hard day today  for me ,for many reasons …..MY BIGGEST BEEN IM SCARED OF ME ! Its night time again not that it mattered during the day as my demon stayed close reminding me of last night.

I worked during today and had to stay head strong my manager who knows I suffer with PTSD came in at lunch and stayed for an hour chatting to me  ,you know the kind of chit chat that you know they checking you ok and it wasn’t what they actually saying they came for ,well it felt that way anyway !

when my shift ended a new lady that was meant to be there at 2 rang in saying she as running late, great I was thinking im meant orientate her now ill run later  when she finally came SHE WAS LIKE A LOUD SPEACKER ON HIGH VOLUME,screaming its finally great to meet the fantastic lisa…I cringed she laughed,within minutes there was a numbness to her loudness I got straight onto orientation y head had zoned out ,she asked to have coffee before I left and I felt obligated to support further …..THEN the conversation goes were you from ,SA I say ..why choose NZ then I explain briefly  better future for the kids and what we went through re hijacking ,she’s blown away. At this point I become calm I can feel it, its odd there’s a peace over me calmness we talk about kids she says some things I tell her of my boys history been born prem ,I feel different there’s something going on I sense heart ache and pain but I ignore it -without really taking in the full story she says you cant move away iv just met you ,I smile guess its life people come and go and I feel hopeless at this point saying it ,you horrible lis !

then she babbles about her kids and I sense that heart ache again shes now telling me that her friends new today was his anniversary  for his death and he would be fourteen but ill be fine im fine …I get up heavy my brain screaming voices so loud in my head im more confused that im feeling and why she says im ok leave me please I cant I know pain I know what last night and today felt like and I so wished id been strong on my own or had someone to hold me tight.. And I hold her hold her tight like iv known her for years her pain raw she sobs and I just stay and hold her my hearts racing and im thanking god for this diversion and im thanking him my boy he is alive her boy died at 4months it hurts as I feel that.

I slowly move away saying im sorry for her loss ,she looks up and says thank you for your love I could feel you understood, your heart was pounding you know ,I smile I did know !

But no one knows what I went through last night its mine and im battling through today even and night has hit again SCAREDNESS PREVAILS,IM WONDERING IF ILL DO IT AGAIN …there was victory of stopping my body feeling last night that he had no control the pain the fear the hatred, know it tears you apart little by little.

And now they all no my pain what will they say or do with it still worries me ,ITS MINE.