my mom is a drug addict addicted to all and every pain medication there is …But she’s been free for few years
But recently I detected her slurry voice and when I mentioned it my sister told me nonsense you exaggerate…
Tonight she rang to apologize mom is bad
After years of her hating neglecting and abuse it still hurts like fucking she’ll be my mom there for me to hold love like a mom should..why do I expect it? she allowed the rapes and abuse why would it change
BUT I WANT A MOM fuck you mom
So it comes out on me
I feel crippled exhausted hatred anger
I just wanna be held told I love you
But guess it never will.
Johnny and Can are around my alters but can has taken to asking many questions usually she never talks Johnny does all that but she’s full on..in my midst of separation again.
Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!
This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.
This week iv had strange thoughts even though my husband shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything. As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for me at respite and meds related too they are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.
My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !
Whatever is going on for you just wait I’m busy I’ll be there later ..😭
Do you know later might be to late?
All I need is support now
I’m sick of this message above ,because between the lines I’m fucking battling
I don’t want my husband or child to visit right now unless I’m knocked out I’m gonna die the disturbance is so overwhelming in me 😠the new antiphychotic meds knocks me out if I can get my mind to take them if I don’t mental health shout at me they call no body understands me i don’t either every night the horror arives and fights me ,and I’m told to get over it fight it …BUT THE FORCE IS GREAT LIKE THOUSANDS OF KG ON MY CHEST I’M DRIVEN BY ADRINALINE TO FIGHT
Early hours mental health team were rang to force me to take my new antiphychotic meds
I’m continously scared,I’m asked many questions some i think iv answered and the more my anxiety rises more I’m sure something is gonna happen, the new antiphychotic meds were given but my head refused them telling me something is gonna happen I’ll die
A full blown panic attack came Phyllis sat with me trying to tell me to take meds but my voices tell me something will happen they’ll leave me staff and you can’t fight me alone
Excatly that i fell asleep half upright paralyzed by meds yet awake I couldn’t call them ,eventually I dragged myself upstairs and she sat with me as I tossed and turned petrified to touch me yet I long to be held down reassured I’m gonna be there you will survive this.
I woken with a massive headache mental health came only to give choice take meds or u going to hospital. .
I just can’t anymore fight
Well gaining enough courage to enjoy hubby’s company far away from home is massive ,it triggers the anxiety massively!
So I decided to just try it …hubby joined the boys Saturday morning for a fishing competition an hour away from home were after they would enjoy prize giving and a live band with dinner, so off i packed our camping gear for one night to freedom camp along the river.
The week of therapy had left me angry once again with the whole feeling why do I feel these things from the abuse? Its a feeling as though its present I haven’t spoken about the exact stuff it always makes me feel as though iv done something wrong when I want to talk about what they did. And there after im angry when I leave and only two words came out. So anxiety was there I was push and pulling and making believe ill be fine to go with hubby!
I left home after 1pm got there 2;15 set our tent up wondered around trying to ground myself was hard exhaustion had set in and the heat was unbearable ,hubby surfaced around late 3pm were the boys drank till after 6pm and we escaped to get dinner for all and enjoy a band and though I rarely drink I had one and the rest diet cool drink hubby had few beers and chatted the rest of the night. On off I escaped for my own respite to breath the guys were ok chatting to me and there were kids that gravited towards me to asking questions etc…..
late that night we fell off to bed into a two man tent lol were the heat was unbearable we turned and stuck our heads out the tent on pillows looking up at the stars, we fell asleep waking after 7am into clean clothes quick face wash and teeth brushed and off for breakfast and home to our boy .
Within minutes of been home tiredness and anxiety hit I was angry so I huddled my body off to bed till late afternoon well hubby checked on off I was ok!
Iv started new meds for my intestinal endometriosis, and im feeling the effects almost worse at present .So yesterday I took myself off for more bloods to be done and stopped off at the pharmacy to find out if this was okay or normal Groan its working like it should until inflammation has settled will it stop these symptoms…so that’s all good I supose,im not overally excited about the symptoms I must admit.
Monday was therapy and yuk I was faced with crap left right and centre enough to carry me through the last few days ,and to feel like giving therapy up for good …I think its the whole piece of exposing myself and then you leave and its full on in your face and you alone again battling through…Of lately I wish for my last really good space about two and half years ago were I handed it over and took such great care of me physically and emotionally t was as if I was new again.
Side tracking a little i was woken Wednesday morning with Facebook messages of which I pay normally little attention but one caught my eye been my brothers child and my mom asking her to get someone there asap it was urgent she had hurt herself …I immediately rang my brother who lived down the road from mom got no reply few seconds past he txt saying he was driving behind the ambulance mom had broken her hip,there’s so much going on as she had major back fusion a month and half ago and now this and not to mention just last week was evacuated from her flat due to mountain fires across the road raging and threating her home and others,This is the same woman who been to hell and back from drug addiction to living homeless loosing us kids then rehabilitating and joining a family continues to be a journey ill never know how she does it or feels it! My mom now lays in a public health system that is horrendously run by a government that funds little “very sad “She doesn’t even have a pillow to lie on so we’ve brought from home some ,But nonetheless we appreciative for there help but she lays with little pain meds and a broken femur clean break into the groin area and we substitute pain meds with Dr advice from our pockets until then she awaits surgery which could be two weeks still ahead “Just crazy”
So naturally I was exhausted last night our boys first day at college went well hooray I also had an interview at 4pm yesterday ill know tomorrow but I still had a house to tidy at 7pm for a property inspection and fell into bed at 8.30 EXCHAUSTED only to wake gasping for air every few hours so guess im now even more beyond sanity.
There’s a need to say what I’m feeling what’s happening but there’s of much ,instead of praying and asking god for his hand in all these things happening which would seem much easier “Dare I say I cant even find myself in his presence ” IM ANGRY
Theres stuff happening with our older gay son ..I wanna cry WHY..we love you yet words seem endless. ..his system is fighting against all odds and it’s hard to be near to watch. . when you dont want us near!
Tomorrow is our youngest birthday his 15 and Wednesday our oldest is 21 but with every reminder of births I suffer amense anxiety of my rapes. …
This is my last week of work too but the hardest in reminders of my pain!