Category Archives: sexual abuse recounted

Pain in learning to get my parts to live together ..its a beginning 

This past while, hourly I’m faced with new pieces of strange interaction voices come and go they fight regularly and allow little rest even with medsūüė£ my body expels energy by jurking and jumping and restlessness prevails..

Then there my long time make believe friends they been around since 3 yrs of age ..actually I think they live in our house as a kid prior to renovations they been jolly my comfort they always nice Johnny dominates activities and Can happily follows..this morning well driving home after night shift they played I spy a game were you guess what the other person thinks beginning with a letter,however I couldn’t hear them they were laughing I could get there game by watching there faces.

These voices are part of me and then real me…however Johnny and Can are real I see them unlike my voices…

Last week I had two accidents one on the express way thinking I saw them I avoided a car mounded a circle..following day I was late for work  and the nxt day my son and myself had someone with a Ute ride over the entire bonnet of my car nearly taking nik face out ..we walked away unscaved but shaken. 

Today jeanique tried to talk about them I was stuck in my brain trying hard not to run finding words was hard my brain hid behind her chair trying to block anymore out…

Its a horrible Journey to try get these pieces to live together…and it’ll take time I guess ūüėÜ

life’s ups and downs well fighting my illness

Its been a while since posting any happenings in my world its  just like agitation turns into anxiety, its the same with trying to write it down all the other pieces happening confuse my poor brain more that I want to run rather!

Some will remember a few weeks ago I met with a detective who was going to talk me through my process of wanting to bring my case to trial or maybe im not even that far but expose my abusers ¬†,this was massive for me as iv lived this journey of sexual abuse for most my life alone until I began therapy here in NZ and told my story my family now know ,however nothing changes in terms of its me that suffers and he continues to post his wonderful life all over social media ..there’s too the problem I sit with that there is in total 7 abusers “BREATH”¬†-The process in short would start by them investigating me ,as years have past and they would need to back track who all new me and what type of child I was and the family dynamics of that….Im instantly filled to high heights of anxiety “why me ?why the need to be every thing related to me before investigating him —ya I get people lie ,tell stories etc. but really¬†i suffer with mental illness now because of the trauma they inflicted. I sit with BPD ,PTSD,Type two bipolar and life continues up and down painfully. So well I decide were to with starting¬† any legal stuff im just sitting with it as im unable to make a clear decision. There has been other positive stuff happening, in the midst hubby and our younger son joined supporting families with mental illness, it was good having¬†him alongside me and my son on the other side they participated laughed with all however I spoke of our son the older one and I was filled with fear of hearing how hard it was for my family and was clearly glad they went along too…however when we left hubby voiced he was disappointed that I brought our older sons illness into it ,why not my own challenges ? I agreed but kept my fear of how fearful I was hearing them talk about me! The weekend that followed was huge my children have never¬†known about the abuse I endured for years and how my family did nothing ,in saying this its never been about my family doing nothing but more protecting my children “somehow crazily” so I sat my youngest down as he saw me read a text from my dad and cry ,his incredibly sensitive ,caring kid¬†asking what’s up I said grandpa wants me to come to South Africa for his 70th birthday …he saying go mom and im sobbing ,I cant why not? And I tell him that years ago I was sexually abused by a cousin who is grandpas sister and they will be there at his party ..ahh he says iv wondered for years what was wrong but now I understand mom. It went without saying not to tell his older brother yet as he hasn’t been well either and processing for him would be incredibly difficult but I intend to do so in good time!

Each day im struggling¬† worse ,I saw my psych a few weeks back and they were both saying how important it is that DBT begins soon for me the waiting list 6months + and iv already been waiting¬†9 months ¬†¬†..I battle continuously hourly up /down with my moods and changing between personalities that drive me insane by the time I catch myself iv¬†caused mayhem with who ever I was talking too or worse off I don’t notice anything wrong “crap”¬†¬†,i definitely don’t have different people living in me but I certainly do fluctuate ¬†radically! Iv had a counsellor for a while since last year but nothing was definite in times or days and then this year I went down hill with mom and my stuff I ended up in respite with her help …Becs text often checking on me how thing were going etc but the gap was so big someone else ended up getting a permanent appointment and all she could do was fit me in n cancellation About a week ago maybe little more I started playing with my meds sleep was as usual hectic violent night mares left me screaming gasping for air so ,yet alone around 2.30pm I start having panic attack shaking so add my clonazepam only halve of 0.5mg then at bed I shower first take usual night meds and add zoplecone by this time im ready to be knocked out I remember nothing ..my determination to remember nothing is causing relationship problems as I want to take it as soon as hubbys home ,meaning its barely 7ish and im well and truly ready to surrender the pain ,shaking, heart palpitations and muscle spasms to the meds for sleep…im trying to push it some nights to 8 ..in waking the next day alone as hubby and my son leave early im like an energised bunny or maybe ADHD ?so I saw Becs last week and was very hyper ,we had decided we would begin work on my past for only 15,20min a session so there fore allowing time to check I was grounded and ok..we laughed and she really checked in I was ok to start when she asked something triggering I guess or maybe not¬†F*** I was gone floating in out but dissociated completely we very briefly really very little spoke about what season it happened, I told of the game he made us play ,me alone there after it was raining¬†……I then began to laugh hysterically she asked what’s up ?funny I thought I was In trouble with you now for telling ! Bec answers “ah” of course you would ,then my laughing changes to sobbing ,pacing ,telling myself im stupid ….Becs talks me down you not stupid leaning forward into me softly …im trying to just breath but its so erratic my chest hurts I jump up grab a toy from her shelve and begin to manipulate it in my hand hard I want to tell her more I say, she sits waiting¬†the hard toy in my hand reminds me of the force of his hands and mouth but I cant tell her yet¬†….then anger comes full on I throw the toy and run to be outside an open door I want to bash my head its numb but my body starts hurting¬†my bottom sends sharp pain into me and¬†my jaw stiffens so bad ,Becs sits with me as I come back slowly talking softly ¬†you ok .The day that follows im sick badly not even did meds help me sleep by the third day im putting things in place that I need at therapy but then hubby rings unexpectedly saying hello my sexy wife BOOM BANG what do you mean im sick of your sayings etc. Hubby darling ,darling I meant nothing sexually bang goes our call and my day was over nothing Becs said made sense between her and hubby my brain thought they needed something from me….its an big problem!! After this our boy had teacher parent interview the next day ,his doing exceptional ,and was exciting for us as parents to hear he has also been nominated most improved student at MIT for his year ,which his not aware of yet “so proud” though¬†coming home I was faced in Auckland’s horrendous traffic at 6.40 in the evening¬† were I was in the middle lane having a full panic attack and our son helping me through it, this to has become a norm of continues panic in public .

Thursday I was rang with Three interviews meaning that I couldn’t go with my family to new Plymouth im home alone¬† in pure panic will I get sick again and have to surrender to work ,im supported there and back but it doesn’t stop my panic attacks im just with some one ,however Fridays interview is over i¬†think I never got it .Last Night I never slept mental health are checking regularly on me ,like every second day but it doesn’t help asking the same questions¬† want to scream I know there’s reasons for checking on me..but id rather not be experiencing up/downs so extremely

 

Awakening Brain

Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously¬† is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!

This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired¬†i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.

This week iv had¬†strange thoughts even though my husband¬†shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately ¬†¬†and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually¬†he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything.¬†As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for¬†me at respite and meds related too they¬†are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.

My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ¬†..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm¬† so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !

I remember that day

Iv thrown it all away, I’m lost without u iv been told im a mess I’m a bladdy big miss without knowing myself. ..
U tried the day u destroyed my life I called me a liar and kicked me down. .now people don’t understand me because of what u made me..I remember that evening those days u broke me the mean acusations ..

Now I’m saying goodbye because I’m a hurdle of confusion

Part 5 of family addiction and sexual abuse” My time in a children’s home”

Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!

As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper¬†,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt¬†she’d¬†hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom¬†or dad to visit and hang around¬† waiting for me¬†as she almost felt ¬†my pain the connection was crazy!!

We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver¬†needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.

“TO BE BROKEN TWICE”

to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .

Unfortunately Jo disappointed me¬†more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or¬† stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens¬† is ¬†im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!

Reoccurring drug addiction

I so want to shout and cry ,and start swearing …..Last night it started by me been incredibly irritable with normal stuff around the house and hubbies lack to help [really petty] It was hubby that pointed it out your whole face says there’s something wrong and the minute he mentioned Mom, job hunting and of course this last week at therapy I tried but failed to talk about the YUK stuff. And now two public holidays both on my therapy days so I go two weeks with out getting to her !Also im feeling that im left to walk out dealing with crap im so not grounded Does she even Know ??

after dropping our boy my sister rang to chat about mom she was transferred yesterday to a new hospital were she will under go physio ..”that’s great “BUT you want to hear the next stuff she’s admitted to using drugs again she’s performing at nurse for her next lot of meds and moody also wanting to get her doctor because he has prescribed her drugs obviously knowing nothing about her past addiction !There’s a stash of benzodizopans at her flat as well as other ones all very similar and that she mixed and matched in the past greatly at no joke of a lie it was between 30-50 tablets in a day falling around nearly killing us on many occasions!

I tried to say well talk later because I so wanted to cry …the morning spiralled down and I was on my way to hell so I decided to ring mental health I met someone nice and we chatted it through the feelings of past abuse its funny my body goes into shock and im petrified something awful is going to transpire I shake my bottom hurts ,my heart pounds ,¬†¬†her never knowing my children till late in years was massively heart retching my oldest was three when she met him and she hit him many occasions [why I never protected him more ] my youngest she met when he was born but again little contact for years as a proper grandmother …..Iv come home and rapped myself up laying on the bed and im trying to pretend shell be fine BUT IM WORRIED ,will she survive this time round?

Refocussing

Well gaining enough courage to enjoy hubby’swpid-20150821_084029.jpg company far away from home is massive ,it triggers the anxiety massively!

So I decided to just try it …hubby joined the boys Saturday morning for a fishing competition an hour away from home were after they would enjoy prize giving and a live band with dinner, so off i packed our camping gear for one night to freedom camp along the river.

The week of therapy had left me angry once again with the whole feeling why do I feel these things from the abuse? Its a feeling as though its present I haven’t spoken about the exact stuff it always makes me feel as though iv done something wrong when I want to talk about what they did. And there after im angry¬†when I leave and only two words came out. So anxiety was there I was push and pulling and making believe ill be fine to go with hubby!

I left home after 1pm got there 2;15 set our tent up wondered around trying to ground myself was hard exhaustion had set in and the heat was unbearable ,hubby surfaced around late 3pm were the boys drank till after 6pm and we escaped¬†to get dinner for all and enjoy a band and though I rarely drink I had one and the rest diet cool drink hubby had few beers and chatted the rest of the night. On off I escaped for my own respite to breath the guys were ok chatting to me and there were kids that gravited towards me to asking questions etc…..

late that night we fell off to bed into a two man tent lol were the heat was unbearable we turned and stuck our heads out the tent on pillows looking up at the stars, we fell asleep waking after 7am into clean clothes quick face wash and teeth brushed and off for breakfast and home to our boy .

Within minutes of been home tiredness and anxiety hit I was angry so I huddled my body off to bed till late afternoon well hubby checked on off I was ok!