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Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!
As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper ,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt she’d hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom or dad to visit and hang around waiting for me as she almost felt my pain the connection was crazy!!
We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.
“TO BE BROKEN TWICE”
to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .
Unfortunately Jo disappointed me more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens is im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!
Iv started new meds for my intestinal endometriosis, and im feeling the effects almost worse at present .So yesterday I took myself off for more bloods to be done and stopped off at the pharmacy to find out if this was okay or normal Groan its working like it should until inflammation has settled will it stop these symptoms…so that’s all good I supose,im not overally excited about the symptoms I must admit.
Monday was therapy and yuk I was faced with crap left right and centre enough to carry me through the last few days ,and to feel like giving therapy up for good …I think its the whole piece of exposing myself and then you leave and its full on in your face and you alone again battling through…Of lately I wish for my last really good space about two and half years ago were I handed it over and took such great care of me physically and emotionally t was as if I was new again.
Side tracking a little i was woken Wednesday morning with Facebook messages of which I pay normally little attention but one caught my eye been my brothers child and my mom asking her to get someone there asap it was urgent she had hurt herself …I immediately rang my brother who lived down the road from mom got no reply few seconds past he txt saying he was driving behind the ambulance mom had broken her hip,there’s so much going on as she had major back fusion a month and half ago and now this and not to mention just last week was evacuated from her flat due to mountain fires across the road raging and threating her home and others,This is the same woman who been to hell and back from drug addiction to living homeless loosing us kids then rehabilitating and joining a family continues to be a journey ill never know how she does it or feels it! My mom now lays in a public health system that is horrendously run by a government that funds little “very sad “She doesn’t even have a pillow to lie on so we’ve brought from home some ,But nonetheless we appreciative for there help but she lays with little pain meds and a broken femur clean break into the groin area and we substitute pain meds with Dr advice from our pockets until then she awaits surgery which could be two weeks still ahead “Just crazy”
So naturally I was exhausted last night our boys first day at college went well hooray I also had an interview at 4pm yesterday ill know tomorrow but I still had a house to tidy at 7pm for a property inspection and fell into bed at 8.30 EXCHAUSTED only to wake gasping for air every few hours so guess im now even more beyond sanity.
So Friday I had our dr for bloods and an on going issue of extreme pain in right side which had flared up once again. ..
well she was examining me an internal examination I hate them so ,but so was necessary she discovered and was pretty sure before hand that some like a colonists was happening, during the examination she noticed I had endometriosis of the colon and was spreading to the cervix enough for her to see obviously ,so I’m now booked for a scan and was put on antibiotics. ..my bloods today came back for my pregnancy and they were confirmed negative apparently anticonvulsant s can give false readings, this Wednesday early morning I’ll have my cortisol levels tested and will give more ideas of my symptoms. ..
But for now I’m trying to relax my colon is so inflamed I can barely eat yet go to the toilet.
These are some feelings that remind us we wont back down ,we”ll be by your side till its over….
There’s a need to say what I’m feeling what’s happening but there’s of much ,instead of praying and asking god for his hand in all these things happening which would seem much easier “Dare I say I cant even find myself in his presence ” IM ANGRY
Theres stuff happening with our older gay son ..I wanna cry WHY..we love you yet words seem endless. ..his system is fighting against all odds and it’s hard to be near to watch. . when you dont want us near!
Tomorrow is our youngest birthday his 15 and Wednesday our oldest is 21 but with every reminder of births I suffer amense anxiety of my rapes. …