Tag Archives: body pain

Awakening brain verses numb brain

The days continue in turmoil for  me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?

Im aware as family tell me how  bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do”  often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven  to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !



Part 5 of family addiction and sexual abuse” My time in a children’s home”

Well, Joanne became my saving grace mentally as I grew to allow myself to feel what it was like to be loved.Joanne did things that a parent should do ,she was at school meetings she was there to wake me in the morning whether or not she was on duty ,she took me to doctor appointments you name it she was there in moderation, I was included in her family!

As life continued the bond we had was an unspoken one ,many nights if I hadn’t come to say good night she would come in softly and whisper ,you okay sunshine? Sometimes id say yes, sometimes nothing crying softly as I hurt she’d hold me promise me no one would ever hurt me again. There were occasions she would take me to mom or dad to visit and hang around  waiting for me as she almost felt  my pain the connection was crazy!!

We d talk things through that never made sense, id cry and she would gently hold me ,there were pieces of the abuse id said or told but really not a lot …..most of it was unspoken! Life in general was awesome at the children’s home simple and lovely ,our care givers were mostly humble honest people except for one guy Martin there was a night having dinner he was arguing with one of the guys at our table, which turned horrible he threw his food and got up and left and I sat outside …few days later I don’t really re call but he punched me on the arm calling me a baby this care giver needless to say I was broken and my arm turned blue /black think I even threatened to tell my father….Well I continued to grow in the home my school work improved drastically and so did my grades ,I think in hind site my emotional well being was been taken care of so every thing else settled.


to be broken twice in your life is something else, ill never forget the day I”ll never forget Joanne ,I”ll forget who she was to me and what she means to me still to this day …..I arrived home it was exam time ,Aunty Jean called me the kitchen manager “Darling I just wanted to tell you Jo has gone out of town for a while I wanted to tell you before you heard rumours..that’s ok was my response when will she be back?..im not sure ok “Yip it was ok I think I tried ,a few days later I got a post card from jo explaining she”ll be away for awhile and will explain it all when she returned ! On her return I was at school when I came home we had lunch together ,there was something wrong I was never sure exactly …I continued as per usual later that evening I looked for jo she was GONE……Gutted as I feel today I was then my life continued I remember people milling around me concerned but I was lost internally forever id thought ,then Merle called me one day into her office she was concerned to but mostly I remember her saying that I was never to have contact with Jo again….How the fuck does that feel ill take your mother from you or the closest to that as Jo was !Storming out I believed id never be me again, so I graduated from school went on to working full time as a hairdresser and one day Jo appeared I was ecstatic but oh so angry she was living down the rd, and had given me her address to come there ….I remember trying to cover my tears and my boss Rose comforting me.That evening I went past her house had coffee and played with little Devan she told me that her husband had stolen large sums of cash from his work as a manager and she was asked to leave …..So much went through me ,But mostly anger how was I going to keep this a secrete that I knew not only what happened but were she stayed? At this stage my months at the children’s home were coming to an end ,the rapid feeling of been lost was approaching once again ,I decided to tell them I knew were jo was and I wouldn’t give it up again ,they were disappointed but I think to they knew she was a great part of me .

Unfortunately Jo disappointed me more upping and leaving, I was long out of the home and years had passed on ,I think I might have been pregnant with our first son when my sister said she had stopped off and asked for our address but I never did see her, again I felt Broken. As I write today I guess it wont be a first or a last, people have come ,gone ,hang around or  stayed in my life …. I Remember my first lot of counselling here in NZ the lady was also Jo and she continues to be a shadow as I walk this journey she”s believed in me help me rise on many new pieces just another inspiration ..Today I pray that my mothers drug addiction wont be the next of my disappointment’s and she”ll hang in there and rise once again and continue to grow -I guess the one thing im learning each time something happens  is  im growing into a new me ,one that’s compassionate loving ,caring oh and even angry but yes im feeling more each time!

last weeks reminder

Its been quite a while since the anniversary of our family trauma ,and though in hind site I survived that weekend ….this last week has changed Monday a week ago my therapist began EMDR therapy with me and though I was excited to tackle the issues plaguing me ,I knew there would be some feelings arising and knocking me in the face !

In short between Monday and Thursday things changed dramatically for me ..not easier but I was once again in a place that my body and mind didn’t resist I gave in and nurtured this body and soul and with it came odd pieces of taking care of me again like walking my dogs enjoying the little sun reading , I even attempted the home work for EMDR !

UNTIL -dreaded Friday arrived and I was left uncontrollably different sobbing crying with my left side shaking thank goodness there was no work for me I had past the previous week with a horrendous amount of hours avoiding mostly anything or any triggers but on Friday it wasn’t about to leave easily so I rang my therapist freaking out that something major was wrong I was going to die Anxiety hadn’t been this high in agers …between us we tried little pieces of possibly making tea well I spoke to her I couldn’t move I think at this point I literally screamed well shaking uncontrollably..at this point or some a work man came to our house to do work and I left to try get him sorted drained he might have thought I was hung over but fxxk  I really couldn’t have cared. There after two friends arrived in the interim and stayed and had coffee but when they saw the state I was in I think they thought best to exit fast ..it really felt so!

They had no sooner left I remained panicky and wondered about outside   why it felt so threating? the phone rang it was my therapist once again ,we continued this time she wanted me to walk the dogs ,I was happy to say now well I write I point blank could not have done so ..gardening I was going to try just a little …sad part none of the above could I do between Friday and Sunday iv been house bound my anxiety immediately rises the minute I need to go out ….

With a heap of help I HATE ASKING “” I slowly began seeing the outside again yesterday and every noise tremor seems louder than before   also had to return to work last night as on call would not replace me grrr wonderful people they are ,its interesting as for the many years doing sleep overs iv never heard the noises I heard last and they only increased my anxiety more….well im home now  im due back at work in an half hour for another sleep over and then a whole day vocationally tomorrow and im trying to take care and also get over the anxiety of the outside world, I do wonder if it will settle soon though?

Thunder storms or my hurricanes im off to battle




Well I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home the dynamics of my sexual abuse seem worse when there’s this “wifely duty to “ag  I make it sound like the worse part of been married or been in a relationship but realistically its true its a huge trigger even if it doesn’t feel so at the time ..it comes with a vengeance there after!

Monday I was very hollow spaced out and therapy was just a NO NO  but I went even though these pieces were around …On numerous times my therapist pleaded  please don’t zone out on me try stay focused but fuck hey it was impossible  we even tried diverting a little sharing a peppermint to divert my attention hell it was revolting my taste buds turned it upside down and for a first I felt myself diving for the inside of hoodie to want to get sick [embarrassing] I then welled up in tears and cried hooray maybe she was right I was alive..i just couldn’t stay present as hard as I tried, humbly she comforted me and we ended .

Yesterday I never had work till three and my body has been telling me for weeks now stop im sore ,yesterday I just stayed in bed every time I tried to do just one thing and then maybe another id crash crying, angry, frustration, soreness ,vomiting you name it …oh and the wonderful unpredictable pain that instantly reminds me im in danger there’s really no light heartedness in that phrase as its my worse reminder…however laying and just surviving was all I could do with my hollow body and brain. At three I fumbled off to work protesting with hatred Reith in my body ,if I was aloud to scream I might have done so ..at 6 pm I was finished three hours and that said a lot for me ! As the night rolled on so did anxiety and panic and my voices in the head searching for reassurance  rang our help line mental health and some how she thought she new how to solve my problems by telling me to change my profession and how could I do my work like this ….its a subject that my family meaning my parents had  to have reality for me its a passion to work with others that cant communicate properly and strive for normality however it looks for different people it is a goal that looks beautiful at the end !However she forcefully carried on until accidentally one of our phones cut off and I said THANK GOD !!!

This morning i had to literally hall  my brain out of bed with instructions to co operate  till frustration hit with anger and my younger boy got everything…today I got a letter to see the psych again this time he wants a brain scan hooray maybe im just mad and not mental ,im not sure meds are entirely correct but I do know for certain this pattern is ready for my brain to find a happy place, its extremely exhausting living with un predictability iv been convinced itll kill me sooner if not later by that im just living off auto pilot if forgetfulness doesn’t join to forcefully ill manage to keep going.


what a night/morning

It’s just gone nearly 3 am in nz and I’m well and truly battling the night….

It started with a dr visit for work that took me in trigger mode a fight for xray that weren’t going to happen. .soon after pain came full into my chest that was early evening by 1 am still wide awake the family in SA ring saying my aunt who long faught  cancer had just died …it was a shock as Christmas they all gathered together and she was in good spirits just yesterday I heard the tumor had caused a bleeding in the brain  and she was in loads of pain and could no longer reconize my uncle. .Im thankful it happened fast and she rests in the good lords hands and the fight has ended in relief!

It’s 3 :10 am wide awake and I still have chest pain and I’m waiting for that xray for a work client and ambulance. …

Not sleeping, chest pain and bad news and a trigered dr visit are my combination for irritation and bad anxiety!

Hopefully writing will calm so of!

I’m trying hard