Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!
This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.
This week iv had strange thoughts even though my husband shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything. As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for me at respite and meds related too they are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.
My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !
This weekend hubby came home a much change of feelings needed to help me get through all that’s happening inside me. Friday we went out for lunch I had made an effort to get dressed nicely put make up on and try enjoy our time together ,in-between moments of yuk feelings he carried me through our conversation, we spoke of my work and what next to be doing also the strain of all the mess at work really instigated by one person funny hey , and ill ride it out this month May and get my CV updated and start applying else were, maybe even work from home to take better care of me and its stresses….These past weeks suicide has become a large part of illness actually its huge but doesn’t last long it flickers in out of my reality making things pretty challenging on bad days on what’s right or wrong !Last week I found myself asking for a Dr appointment which seemed long in coming and then it was on and then off im really going to try talk about it there and how much im battling but this morning means ill need to go back and ask again for that appointment actually not sure if its off even.
Friday night I worked came home to quite Saturday with hubby it was nice he fetched me …we watched a DVD showered and dressed ,visited friends for a lunch and a coffee and organized to braai that evening [braai is a south African thing we cook meat on a fire] that evening turned differently e ended up by them BBQ AND MY PIECES STARTED EMERGING ,at one stage my brain went numb and then screaming inside me ,I rushed to the bathroom in panic and cried this huge urge to hurt myself rose through my body to rip my insides out came across and I sat on the bathroom floor crying sobbing FUCK THIS WORLD OF MINE I so hate these pieces of this person I so don’t want to know. By eight thirty we left to come home my husband had fetched the new meds to help me sleep and I was gonna try it out ,with lots of pretesting and crying like a child I took quarter ,and within minutes fell asleep.
Sunday I tried once more I was first up and tried to just stay grounded on my own hubby wondered through short while later we cuddled alone in the lounge quietly …I cried he reassured me that shortly in another month we would be together ,its hard for all of us.. later took a shower got dressed into cosy warm clothes and by then we had decided to walk the dogs at the river but then changed lets do foxton beach which we all did ,I packed the picnic basket and our youngest sorted the dogs with dad. Patches on the back of the ute and pups on the back seat…the boys had a ball I strolled and cried beneath my sun glasses the boys swam with the dogs running like horses loland walking for miles about two hours! When we returned to the ute all had a drink and we sat at a local café outside on benches eating and giving the dogs treats .
We arrived home and I began a roast with veggies for our dinner ,unpacked and the dogs had a bath …all settled I crashed again ,what next should I have a list of feeling’s all in a line saying ok you next – my different feelings range radically to mention a few between crying ,sobbing, dissociating, suicidal, extreme fear ,panic attacks, oh lets not forget wonderful anger ! Even with hobby’s support its a journey I need to tackle and I find myself wishing to be one as a person not multiple…
Yesterday he left I was still going up/down till I took sleeping tablets and rose to a new day of exact emotions till present!
wish me luck at the Dr if it happens
TODAY HAS BEEN A DAY OF EVENTS , I WANTED TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD I HAD AFTER ALL I SLEPT 4 HOURS LAST MAKING THIS WEEK A RECORD….I SPOKE WITH A BLOGGING FRIEND THIS MORNING WE CHATTED HAPPILY …I THEN LEFT TO GO TO CHURCH REMEBER MY MISSION I WAS ONLY VISITING TO GET AN IDEA WHAT WE WOULD LIKE AND I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED IT I FELT GOOD TO BE CONNECTED AND I WAS EXCITED TOO. Later I stopped at a friend and had a coffee I was invited for dinner to and was excited to keep moving ,I arrived home to do some gardening and enjoy my [BOYS]dogs company …..its wasn’t till around 4;35 I felt a panic attack come on so badly I was forced to cancel my dinner with my friend and her family….it forced its way so rapidly that I was paralysed and shaking un controllably I thank god at this point I knew I needed someone by so I rang our support, At this point I just spiralled worse and worse from shaking to nausea to pain of been felt, like i was been raped over and over again …this lady spoke gently encouraging me to breath slowly with her then to try move, over and over I tried each time I MOVED I WAS smelling them there tasting them and violent pain engulfing my groin my bottom I was been traumatized and hell new why….for two and half hours we tried over and over till I could move and get grounded. I don’t know its over im incredibly sore like iv had seizures for the two half hours and feelings well experiencing this are very fragile she continues to hurt so badly and I don’t understand it at all!
Time to Change update
I’ve decided that I’ll always be open about my breakdown
On Time to Talk Day my wife, Lang and I went on This Morning to talk about my mental health problem and how Lang supports me. The response to our interview has been awesome.
I decided that I’d always be open and honest about my breakdown, and that I’d talk about it when I thought it might be helpful. So, this is what led us to visiting the ITV studios where we spent eight minutes with Phillip Schofield and Christine Bleakley talking about my depression on live TV.
After doing this interview we received an overwhelming response. We had so many calls, texts and emails from friends, family and people we hadn’t spoken to for years all sending supportive and positive messages. We were most touched by a friend saying that as a result of the interview, he’s recognised he needs to talk to someone about his mental health.
But we shouldn’t stop talking about mental health now that Time to Talk Day is over. It’s really important to keep these conversations going all year round. Sometimes people find it difficult to talk, or don’t know the right thing to say to someone experiencing a mental health problem. However, often just asking someone how they are can make a big difference. Time to Change have some useful information to help get those conversations started so why not take a look and have your conversation today?
Together we can really make a difference and break the silence that surrounds mental health.
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