Well I thoroughly enjoyed having my husband home the dynamics of my sexual abuse seem worse when there’s this “wifely duty to “ag I make it sound like the worse part of been married or been in a relationship but realistically its true its a huge trigger even if it doesn’t feel so at the time ..it comes with a vengeance there after!
Monday I was very hollow spaced out and therapy was just a NO NO but I went even though these pieces were around …On numerous times my therapist pleaded please don’t zone out on me try stay focused but fuck hey it was impossible we even tried diverting a little sharing a peppermint to divert my attention hell it was revolting my taste buds turned it upside down and for a first I felt myself diving for the inside of hoodie to want to get sick [embarrassing] I then welled up in tears and cried hooray maybe she was right I was alive..i just couldn’t stay present as hard as I tried, humbly she comforted me and we ended .
Yesterday I never had work till three and my body has been telling me for weeks now stop im sore ,yesterday I just stayed in bed every time I tried to do just one thing and then maybe another id crash crying, angry, frustration, soreness ,vomiting you name it …oh and the wonderful unpredictable pain that instantly reminds me im in danger there’s really no light heartedness in that phrase as its my worse reminder…however laying and just surviving was all I could do with my hollow body and brain. At three I fumbled off to work protesting with hatred Reith in my body ,if I was aloud to scream I might have done so ..at 6 pm I was finished three hours and that said a lot for me ! As the night rolled on so did anxiety and panic and my voices in the head searching for reassurance rang our help line mental health and some how she thought she new how to solve my problems by telling me to change my profession and how could I do my work like this ….its a subject that my family meaning my parents had to have reality for me its a passion to work with others that cant communicate properly and strive for normality however it looks for different people it is a goal that looks beautiful at the end !However she forcefully carried on until accidentally one of our phones cut off and I said THANK GOD !!!
This morning i had to literally hall my brain out of bed with instructions to co operate till frustration hit with anger and my younger boy got everything…today I got a letter to see the psych again this time he wants a brain scan hooray maybe im just mad and not mental ,im not sure meds are entirely correct but I do know for certain this pattern is ready for my brain to find a happy place, its extremely exhausting living with un predictability iv been convinced itll kill me sooner if not later by that im just living off auto pilot if forgetfulness doesn’t join to forcefully ill manage to keep going.
So Last night I managed afterwards to get myself a little together enough to get some dinner into me and try focus a little -I was extremely cold freezing my inner body was taking on a new perspective of feeling…I knew at this point im doing something wrong and I began to feel two me develop again as I become dissociated with my surroundings at this point smell of there bodies arose and I could even taste them [YUK] my body groaned as tried hard to just to move to safety of warmth , I filled my water bottle and stumbled off to bed I did get a hot shower in and it was here I began again with another panic attack!
shaking and only a top on I fell under my covers trying to breath my chest wasn’t letting up it was under pressure of the human hand ,then our house phone rings I ignore it I don’t have energy to move and besides talking to my husband and explaining what happened seems to be hard besides I don’t want to worry him.
I must have fell asleep because I woke with shaking and vomited all over our bed in fear of what my body felt like every thing felt so wrong ,the taste of there seaman in my mouth the body odour the pain in my bottom “WHY ME ” If only my family stopped them ,except I was there victim to!
Mary rang from support line I don’t know why ? I don’t remember her saying she would ,but the fact was I never answered earlier when I wasn’t wanting to talk so it happened to be the right time she did, though still I don’t make actual sense it was after 1am think even 1;20 she stayed the entire fucked up piece of me through , breathing ,grounding checking in she stayed she even said I love you ell do this together to the end “WHY” I cant understand….I don’t believe enough that today i can actually even function ….the other half of me is present and im exhausted and im sick and weary
I AM DONE
Its being a long and hard for me and I guess others in the family too as they watch and try support… I was asked this week as I met up with someone who’s walked in my journey for some years, what will this year look like ?…..in all honesty I have the feeling to talk more up more than I ever have….there’s this 7 year old who’s tired of being suppressed , undermined and what ever else you’d like to call it….its now my turn to rise !
My emotions are very roar and some point this week Iv felt like it might be an attack rather than voicing my thoughts on how people who let me down and abused me …or is this me just me thinking again I don’t want to hurt others ,that piece has been a huge obstacle In my recovery….Dammit my life revolved around been abused from being sexually abused to been physically abused ,manipulated put down, taken advantage of and even loosing my family .and I question whether ill hurt these people ?Im the one hurting im the one who has triggers ,nightmares, dissociates from my real self, im the one who battles with mental health issues to now …..I want to scream to my abusers on top of voice that I think each one of you should battle these things ,not me!
Iv asked my support person to make contact for therapy to begin again and by sounds of things its going to happen soon next week, even as I write I know I should feel relief but im heavy and very teary eyed breathing is hard its like its always trying to move through my throat the words echo in my head but no real sound comes out…Its like suffocating on my own! There’s something about suffocating on my own that reminds me of the rape, and never being able to talk even now im never ok after just trying to get some of the stuff out they did to me …actually im fine talking at first then hours later it hits and im brutally taken back, cripple for days as I try crawl out…theres periods I need to talk about this piece but once was enough to crawl and its just to hard to figure out how.
I haven’t been able to sleep much-
My body continues to feel the pieces of the room there voices smells and laughter even noises of the bottles they uses to insert into me..
While each you could say had there specialty ,I don’t wanna remember it’s huge push in me ….
But it’s coming in all shapes if I lay down I feel as though I’m falling into that space of the abuse ,my jaw aches from all they made me do His kissing was so force able it hurt the oral sex I had to perform he was just as vigorous about ,until he ejaculated that smell remains engraved into my skin tonight.
Each had there part some following in his foot steps some holding me down well they shoved bottles into me ..I only know as i cry now the ceiling was my refuge I became so absorbed in it ..it took me else were ..then there were some who just wanted sex ..
All this carried on from 5 till 15 even today i question why I never ran away earlier ,the last was my uncles rape while my mother recovered from surgery in a nearby room he raped me in the most painful way ..via my anus. .
It a a continuous reminder almost weekly that pain returns …
Right now warmth is helping a little though feelings of nausea remain!