Longing to be in control is driving me insane , how I could just wish to allow the instructions of life and let it be what ever it is , “it might not last as long”
My mind fills of nothing really but a strong wish to rather dissociate and run or maybe even attempt suicide on days that last this long ,people seem to make promises that they never keep that enlarge the feeling of been dropped once more ,and if its not that simple there questions that are implied how would you like me /us to help ?…its a million dollar question as it means me been honest and actually thinking, which at present brings some thing else to the front ..im currently looking to go back to work but every job I see I cant bring myself to ring or even forward a cv I feel inadequate to say the least my brain fails me it wont co operate and im exhausted trying to find words why !!
My mood is currently fluctuating from ok to the extreme ,this morning I felt to turn everything upside down in my house and leave …but iv always been aware of my boys and how this would impact them ….sadly this morning there’s something going on with our younger one his in deep thought!
last night our friend dropped hubbys boat off as he kept it when we moved ,my husband had said at some stage lets show him our beach and take patches for a walk ,of which my boy had said in going to do my assignment rather I replied yes at that stage I put patches on a leash and off we went on our return we found we were locked out of our house ,I assumed he went to a friend quickly 10min after hubby getting in to the house he came ,tears in his eyes as he couldn’t find me on the beach !! this was a first is he feeling my distress ?I love them dearly and its not my intention to upset them or hubby but hell its hard to keep this together without exploding.
This weekend hubby came home a much change of feelings needed to help me get through all that’s happening inside me. Friday we went out for lunch I had made an effort to get dressed nicely put make up on and try enjoy our time together ,in-between moments of yuk feelings he carried me through our conversation, we spoke of my work and what next to be doing also the strain of all the mess at work really instigated by one person funny hey , and ill ride it out this month May and get my CV updated and start applying else were, maybe even work from home to take better care of me and its stresses….These past weeks suicide has become a large part of illness actually its huge but doesn’t last long it flickers in out of my reality making things pretty challenging on bad days on what’s right or wrong !Last week I found myself asking for a Dr appointment which seemed long in coming and then it was on and then off im really going to try talk about it there and how much im battling but this morning means ill need to go back and ask again for that appointment actually not sure if its off even.
Friday night I worked came home to quite Saturday with hubby it was nice he fetched me …we watched a DVD showered and dressed ,visited friends for a lunch and a coffee and organized to braai that evening [braai is a south African thing we cook meat on a fire] that evening turned differently e ended up by them BBQ AND MY PIECES STARTED EMERGING ,at one stage my brain went numb and then screaming inside me ,I rushed to the bathroom in panic and cried this huge urge to hurt myself rose through my body to rip my insides out came across and I sat on the bathroom floor crying sobbing FUCK THIS WORLD OF MINE I so hate these pieces of this person I so don’t want to know. By eight thirty we left to come home my husband had fetched the new meds to help me sleep and I was gonna try it out ,with lots of pretesting and crying like a child I took quarter ,and within minutes fell asleep.
Sunday I tried once more I was first up and tried to just stay grounded on my own hubby wondered through short while later we cuddled alone in the lounge quietly …I cried he reassured me that shortly in another month we would be together ,its hard for all of us.. later took a shower got dressed into cosy warm clothes and by then we had decided to walk the dogs at the river but then changed lets do foxton beach which we all did ,I packed the picnic basket and our youngest sorted the dogs with dad. Patches on the back of the ute and pups on the back seat…the boys had a ball I strolled and cried beneath my sun glasses the boys swam with the dogs running like horses loland walking for miles about two hours! When we returned to the ute all had a drink and we sat at a local café outside on benches eating and giving the dogs treats .
We arrived home and I began a roast with veggies for our dinner ,unpacked and the dogs had a bath …all settled I crashed again ,what next should I have a list of feeling’s all in a line saying ok you next – my different feelings range radically to mention a few between crying ,sobbing, dissociating, suicidal, extreme fear ,panic attacks, oh lets not forget wonderful anger ! Even with hobby’s support its a journey I need to tackle and I find myself wishing to be one as a person not multiple…
Yesterday he left I was still going up/down till I took sleeping tablets and rose to a new day of exact emotions till present!
wish me luck at the Dr if it happens
I no longer want to remember but the time is nearing again !
I have little understanding of this pain and sorrow …. As I try not feel there’s a constant reminder I am broken ,and how much pain im in..
There’s a sorrow far to big to even talk about.
Its been absolute terror feeling way like a fragmented mind ….Im those actual pieces of glass just falling to the ground….
Does anyone understand me ?
Does anyone hear me?
Each one carrying a personality of its own
Im loosing this mind trying so drastically to hold onto normality
But the reality of normality is long gone they tell me,
The pain however ever never goes
But does anyone actually know how lost this fragmented mind is and how important searching for her normality is?
I just don’t understand why searching for normality is so far and hard to find!
Has anyone seen her complete?
I can’t even begin to explain my feelings I’m not certain but is almost as if I’m scared again more angry but like I’m battling to see why ?
How did I get here so fast ,this afternoon late it’s been hard I wanna abuse her tear her mind apart not to mention my body. ..I feel disconnected from her .
Last night I began to cry I was all of sudden trying to be ok at my old therapist rooms she called me on acting like she was a threat, suddenly I think I’m feeling how hard I actually find it to be honest about my feelings, and having this new therapist I feel i need to be ok all the time I tell others I’m actually not ok,I’m afraid they sick of it.
I don’t know I’M trying to figure this feeling out!
I hate this place I do know. .and I’m hating her when she turns up like this i wanna kill her !!