letters of darkness

So well been in horrific pain the whole of the next day and looks that said if you mention a word ill kill you and your mother, I kept to myself .But what I wasn’t immediately aware of was this piece growing strong inside me ….This was my fight song and it didn’t matter who believed me I was going to get my life back. So exactly two days later I gathered enough courage to stay at my aunt and chat things through never bringing up any of the sexual abuse not even my uncles latest .My aunt tried to make go back home but instead I said I had exams and was off to school rather and asked her to pop into mom and check her out, she agreed ! but instead I had contact with a friend at an old school her dad was an addict but she lived with mom and mom had said it was ok for me to stay for a few days well we studied ,after one night I managed to tell her of what had happened and the following day said thanks to her mom and headed off to school in Audi nary clothes ,I went to the guidance councillor and explained I wasn’t going back we spoke of moms addictions her cancer and guess it never took much for to realize I was petrified of dad so she rang a social worker who arrived a few hours later at school we chatted and I was placed in a place of safety ,for a few months ,dad came the following dad but little was said why I was there I remember just saying I cant live this life anymore does anyone hear me ..My social worker Thalia, was lovely warm and compassionate she never left me alone at all ,well cares at the centre fused id run away ,commit suicide etc. they soon came to learn I wasn’t that kid..i just wanted to be left alone sleeping for hours on end I was exhausted permanently .

So well months went on and now wonder why so long but I think dad fought to have me in some strange way ,maybe boarding school? Who knew! Eventually the day came the big court case ,we were all there the two boys my brothers and mom and dad well dad continued to belittle mom in a strange way and us petrified Thalia protected us as much as possible ..The judge asked what my reason for been place in a children’s home was I very heart sore at the time mentioned my moms addiction was a large part and dad and myself don’t really get on ,but my step mom and I do to some degree ..however I love my parents we all do except and I STOPPED he lifted his head from writing peered over his glasses and said YES except what “i couldn’t say it ” except I said I wont go back to that life I CANT -sobbing I left the court room were mom and dad were left alone talking Thalia sheltered us kids crying outside on the pavement of the court house ,Dad came out and said do you boys want to live with me ,they were little petrified of a wrong answer shaking they said yes at that stage I blurted to dad could I live with them too ?His response in front of the social worker was NO my wife just cant feel to bring a rebellious teen up too …OK I SAID .

Honestly Fuck I was broken alone and still bearing the physical pain of a few days ago rape I was battling ,crushed Thalia held me and said honestly is that so bad ? It was definitely between driving back to the state house from court Thalia asked if I could be pregnant ,I shrugged did she feel that need to ask because of stopping well talking to the judge, did she see the signs of sexual violence ,who knows but I was beginning to feel id be ok -So the court awarded me to state to take care and so my life in a children’s home began ,and wow was it so different to what id envisaged …YES it was !!

Thalia took me to collect my belonging which of only a few things I owned and off I was introduced to all at the home …first impression AWESOME a place were no one would ever touch me again , the secretary happened to be a friend of dads old partner many years back and such a lovely lady ,the principle was obviously lesbian ,sorry I hadn’t at that point been subjected to much of that but really great, and the lovely aunty Jean well she was in charge of the kitchen staff ,food etc. –

My first house mother Moria ,well she lived upstairs her and her family Moria was a little cold at times but lovely too…she showed me to my room well the guys brought me bed and dresser to put in my room the rest was for me to do or get …as time went on I made it mine! Dad called that same night and aunty Jean called me and comforted me .Food was always great and kitchen staff were African and they very much loving mother type!That first night I had a migraine and Moria gave me Panadol I battled through the night vomiting and not sure were to next ,but I got through.

Few days later I met Joanne and this is were my story becomes an open book she fills a gap of a mother I never really had for the next two years she’s there for me Day and Night …as write I can feel her presence her warmth her love her excepting of who I was …And because of her ill never be the same person again!