Its been a hard road for too long yet I still can’t figure a way forward my words hurt brutally those I love, yet if I have to be honest little things around me HURT like hell and explode in anger.Its true I internalize things differently and of late it’s been said to me many times but then it’s not my fault I was literally reconstructed, torn apart, jumped on till I was no longer me at an early age and then miraculously expected to be a grown-up because this body did exactly that …BUT THIS MIND WAS YET TO TELL ANOTHER STORY.
This weekend has been hell yet iv been carried through, I tried all my strategies one was music somehow this song played
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again
But when I’m all alone, they show up on their own
‘Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire
Inner demons don’t play by the rules
They say “Just push them down, just fight them harder
Why would you give up on it so soon?”
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels please, hear my prayer
Life is pain, life’s not fair
So angels please, please stay here
Take the pain, take the fear
But when I turn away
The demons seem to stay
‘Cause inner demons don’t play well with angels
As I continue my journey I’ll reveal more of the process so since seeing Anthony the Psychiatrist and jeanique they both wanted me to return to Heidi sooner for more relief with an anxiety problem.
Immediately got an appointment for the next day, were Heidi put me on Ars after receiving my first dose at her clinic I felt no different [one thing at this early point i need to reveal she had forgotten to tell me was Ars not always brings all your symptoms out before getting better-at this point had no clue] So off I left with one little packet of ARS for the next three days….by 12 that afternoon I had a headache by 5 pm I had my second dose by 8 pm I was shaking, vomiting,blood pressure had risen horribly ,stiff jaw, pounding heart and yet anxiety was not quite as heightened as usual “this is worth mentioning as I usual freek out by now.By 8 pm I had rang on call to get cover for me there was no wayI i could work. Friday night I had no sleep as I weathered my storm and rode the waves I was now at my wit’s end….Saturday morning early I text this poor woman Heidi explaining what has happened immediately she told me to stop as it had aggravated the symptoms -[yet this once again can only happen if the remedy was well selected and then things should settle 1-2 days ]mmm at this point this never sat well with me and I just wanted this remedy stuff out my body. Its worth it to mention my emotional state had unwound in a flood of tears] BY 1 PM Saturday I HAD FALLEN ASLEEP AND WOKEN AT 3 PM FEELING BETTER. Saturday night I slept like a baby Sunday exhausted sore chest and body muscles…..still I took care even though I went to work took things slowly gently, mindfully the noticeable part was my concentration to me it was far more alert than usual.
Monday Heidi made no contact, Tuesday no contact, Wednesday our younger boy went to her with his chronic sinus disease and as he began filling in the paperwork she asked how I was feeling….Honestly, i was angry before this visit however strangely I feel good different the noticeable part was I was less anxious she noted I noticed the concentration..then I asked about what had happened..Heidi describes it as it has to get worse another word the remedy brings it out before it can better.
I’ve continued without ARS now but Heidi mentions she will use it again in near future …And at present I’m managing great in some parts havent healed complety its a journey.
I’m panic stricken and exhausted as things lie …we off to new Plymouth to support my husband’s sister tommorow things have got really bad we looking at two three weeks left now…my sister will under go double mastectomy Monday and mom is in so much pain she wants to end her life….
Well I battle friday i smashed my head in to the window and it bounced back into my arm leaving me rithing in pain ,I want to be able to be there for our family “but” I’m battling and I’m hating my sudden feelings of panic attacks ,today I shouted at becs during therapy to stop well talking about mom and then I battled to breathe and had to leave …what failure I feel 😭the feeling is just exchausting and horrible!
Have you ever watched the skies as the weather changes? ,lately as I watch I see myself ,I feel myself in either utter turmoil or peace like the winds have died down and I can relax!
The weeks that have past have been extremely busy with either fighting my illness or screaming that God will here my prayers over my family as they fight for there lives -My sister in laws husband is deteriorating fast last weekend was admitted to icu his lung colapased the cancer is spreading fast ,his become confused. .I’m lost on how to help other than a phone calls and texts of love then there’s the fact my mom’s body is refusing it’s new body parts in fact it’s hating it ,a blood transfusion was given her white cells are over the moon and iron count is so so low in the interim they testing for cancer too she’s had it before but there’s alerts that her bone density is extremely weak. .-then there was my sister she was diagnosed out of pure luck with a rapid fast growing cancer a few weeks ago she had calcified cells and then they found this cancer she had a tumor removed now she faces at 48 yrs of age a double mastectomy – its hard watching my family all around fight!
Last week was my turn I had a phychiatrist appointment that as usual is always brutal ..my feelings around getting his support was as suspected he isn’t seeing me anymore as I don’t take meds (Thanks dr I appreciate your care idiot ) sorry but I would have thought I’d get some after care as I asked very clearly please just support me well I try ,if it fails I need that buffer close by I won’t notice it’s failing! All that and he was only concerned about my heart irregularly beating -Thursday my gp saw me as I got up to walk over into her room she said you not looking happy? Mmm I’m probably not after a hour appointment of crying voicing my concerns hearing jacque say her concerns I somehow felt she’d be there and we understood one another around the meds so she sent me for a ecg the only thing at present is my heart beat is slow so I’ll know next week as jacque wants to see me weekly or fortnightly depending on how I feeling mentally.
This was all last week the week proir Thursday I had wrap and therapy and I think been honest helped it been a great day I even walked patches with Nikita lol a cat that followed, but then from Friday it down hilled fast and whole of last week ,iv been left with new script for meds to think about and as I’m not giving in yet …I’ll just leave it there!😫
This weekend I’m looking after my sick family they been awake all night coughing and now im gonna make breakfast and just continue to try chill.😷:(😪:twisted::roll:
The weeks are relentlessly painful in terms of guessing who will stay by my side …people or humans are strange we either don’t verbalize we leaving or we do it screaming guns and roses. ..iv had ups and downs concentration been a bummer and then anxiety and a plus sex a must to reduce anxiety wow how lucky hubby thinks he is strangely it’s something iv always hated and still do 😨how could I explain other than visions been to awful of the past and yet an mixture of liking the feeling as it seems nice ..oddly all child like ,but for me truly it reduces my anxiety hugely at present IT’S A MUST !
Last week I started getting sick with the flu and iv manage slowly through it as i only work 1 to 2 hours a day now honestly I can’t manage longer as anxiety grows and almost kills me..but this week I’m doing 4 hours a day moving from client to client and I fall in the door crying anxiety extremely high till the night falls and I shower eat and go off to our warm bed, sleeping is hard as I feel my heart pounding away so sex it is to reduce my anxiety and I briefly fall asleep exhausted for 3 hours and then I’m hyperactive I’m very wide awake ready for the day so I close the door between rooms and get busy. …
This week tomorrow I meet becs at therapy and I’m worried? ??
My theory of no meds comes and goes around why I’m doing it but I’m always back to the same point iv got to fight for me to survive. .they don’t understand me i don’t want them to see that weak poor me ….that feels like she’s been present at therapy for a few sessions.
My feelings are they always wanna pull me down. .I have wrap program too tomorrow and iv decided fuck them I’m not lying about not taking meds they need to know some people or most I’m sure could survive without meds if really great support is there ,either they except me or PISS OFF …
My husband has decided the first decline in my mental health and his gone this time his done it long enough, shame I am only trying to be true to me and so I’m trying hard ..FUCKING TRUE TO ME!! DO U KNOW I WAKE EVERY MORNING STILL WISHING IT WILL CHANGE MY PAST..NO U DON’T HEY 😥
I’m at war at present. ..it sucks I stopped meds on the anniversary of my trauma I wanna be ok ,why the hell do I need meds for something that was never my fault! :'(They say I need it for chemical in balance in my brain but the war is so strong I can’t except it ..ya just in February I ended in hospital and respite for three weeks due to server highs and low …now I’ve just stopped sleeping yesterday I’m hyperactive I can’t relax and to crown it all every one is against me “take meds or we leaving in all this is my family and my therapist!
Today’s war with Becs the therapist goes like this..
Well its ur choice to stop ..but I’m sad as ur day to day experience will become worse,I don’t understand y u ceased to stop as u likely to deteriorate badly. .
My reply I just wanna be normal I’m sick of taking meds to help I can try ..I don’t wanna be like my mother an addict and I wanna be NORMAL! !
I JUST WANTED MY FAMILY TO SUPPORT ME DOING THIS WITH OUT MEDS…
Becs reply …then prove u ok to us all..go well bec
I’m trying to make others see my logic is so incredibly hard everyone of my support wanna run😤
What the hell ????