Anxiety my close friend I thought iv known how u effect me but on a regular basis you amaze me to show me up …
In straight I hate you!
Joy turns into pounding floating brain
Love i disassociate from
We moving and instead of happiness I have bad chest pain…
it ticks all our boxes rural but public transport available
Bigger living area
closed back yard not to big but just great for our hunter way
Shopping centers and libraries
All of the above we don’t have in this lovely town we currently stay
I’m temp teaching and tomorrow orientation at another organization for temp work all added stress!
My therapist txt saying Thursday at 11 we can meet I’m exstatic😆 her been away last week left feelings of been abandon and I wanted to cry hearing her say I’m back i haven’t left you and won’t ok…does that cause more anxiety hell ya but instead I know it shouldn’t!
All is causing pain
With all going on this week ,I’d also three weeks ago started a new job..were I’d signed a contract for 16 to 32 hours a week because I knew I was recovering from my loss of sleep and being unwell for so long …anyway in my second week I noticed that i was been rostered on for 40 or 50 hours a week, when I approached my boss she said just to tell her when and were and she won’t be offended and later the hours would settle, further more I mentioned I’d need time off in now week because our boy had assessment and my husband an operation the following day and then it was his birthday “not forgetting I do shift work with no permanent days they deciding when and we’re to put me so I gave her days I wouldn’t mind working!
Wednesday she rang to talk about the form she asked I’d put In for days saying they don’t work like that, I challenged her saying she had said this stuff to me ..how does policy change in few day?
Yesterday our director was at the day base when I asked to talk about a client issues revolving around health she said she would as i turned funny I saw her pushing our other manager quickly out the door and jumping in the car,my suspensions were she trying to avoid me,later another manager called the one I’d spoken with around hours saying I was to be in a meeting at 4 I arrived late due to working with a client but I’d text prior.
There at the table sat all three saying I don’t meet there hours of work and with effect they were ending my contract again I said my piece but nothing was gonna change I wish her luck and she said seen there was a type error on my contract the were giving me two weeks notice, I had wondered earlier why we had extra staff in the house were i was working so I returned Making so much sense why now ,our team leader and myself chatted and with said I question a moment am I to stay until my shift finished but then she said immediate effect and I said I’d take there car back and leave they said thank you. .my team leader suggested leave don’t call her.
I drove home feeling worthless😧 how could I support my husband financially were to now at 6.25 my boss rang twice and left a message to call here at 8 ish I saw it i was drained and replied I’d ring in morning. . it’s my second job because the teaching job was only 3 months temping I’m over doing this here ,there stuff stability is a key to my well being, iv called this morning my boss and no reply left a message and until next week who knows were to will I work two weeks in or not only they know! 😠
How I’ll cope I’m not sure last night hubby tried joking ,loving ,kindness, pushing of which all i resisted fuck off leave me! I’m half numb floating around how to fill a void of anxiety without working is gonna be my do or die😣
Its Been Four days since me coming home and sleep continuously is becoming painful …of course my sleep has been like this for weeks on end slowly meaning I get more sicker things don’t fit the picture ,change all the time from wanting people to hating them to mood changes and to top it all Hyper vigilance!
This week im having nightmares continuously I dip briefly into sleep and BOOM im into something and then out then in then out ..until I realize I cant do this no more and quietly leave our room crying im at my wits end .Last night I remember my husband checking on me and I was extremely tired i was asleep when something was happening in my sleep at the time hubby touched me I shouted but couldn’t wake the night was further taken up by dreams of fights and then wide awake the entire night, my husband continued his care checking and going back to bed.
This week iv had strange thoughts even though my husband shows incredible care im aware this effects our relationship greatly intimately and as husband and wife will we last ?Last Saturday he went off fishing I don’t mind usually he works hard and I was in respite ,but this Saturday he went again and is working all day today as well ,not to mention our older son arrives in tonight at nearly ten and I have to fetch him ,im angry with him because we live rurally its a distance to the airport ,but when he rang well I was in respite verbally abusive ,I let dad deal with him…But now I need to fetch as hubby will be exhausted ,I want to cry I know I sound stupid but its hard work now to do anything. As well as this week its like im remembering something new or its trying to come through but im not entirely sure what ,the feeling comes strong and then disappears my brain briefly wants to know but tiredness fogs over making it hard. Iv had no therapy for weeks on end but I continue to have connection with home base treatment team who cared for me at respite and meds related too they are just carrying me until I start DBT my outside therapist touches base every second day to see how I am but loneliness in this is painfully scary not knowing what will come next.
My Husband showed me an email he received from the psychologist saying that iv been diagnosed with PTSD,BPD,TYPE 2 BIPOLAR ..Iv known this from prior assessment at mid central but like my therapist always said you can over come these pieces they don’t determine you mmmm so why do I feel other wise at time? My husband will start some education program for families with this mental illness so he can support me better Im incredibly blown away his going ,but to at this stage we living off his income alone and for this course hell need to leave at 3.30 for 4 till 6 then fetch our boy and travel home ,very long day. In the meantime sick and all iv applied for two jobs and had three interviews how I scored in my state? “hell knows !
Iv started new meds for my intestinal endometriosis, and im feeling the effects almost worse at present .So yesterday I took myself off for more bloods to be done and stopped off at the pharmacy to find out if this was okay or normal Groan its working like it should until inflammation has settled will it stop these symptoms…so that’s all good I supose,im not overally excited about the symptoms I must admit.
Monday was therapy and yuk I was faced with crap left right and centre enough to carry me through the last few days ,and to feel like giving therapy up for good …I think its the whole piece of exposing myself and then you leave and its full on in your face and you alone again battling through…Of lately I wish for my last really good space about two and half years ago were I handed it over and took such great care of me physically and emotionally t was as if I was new again.
Side tracking a little i was woken Wednesday morning with Facebook messages of which I pay normally little attention but one caught my eye been my brothers child and my mom asking her to get someone there asap it was urgent she had hurt herself …I immediately rang my brother who lived down the road from mom got no reply few seconds past he txt saying he was driving behind the ambulance mom had broken her hip,there’s so much going on as she had major back fusion a month and half ago and now this and not to mention just last week was evacuated from her flat due to mountain fires across the road raging and threating her home and others,This is the same woman who been to hell and back from drug addiction to living homeless loosing us kids then rehabilitating and joining a family continues to be a journey ill never know how she does it or feels it! My mom now lays in a public health system that is horrendously run by a government that funds little “very sad “She doesn’t even have a pillow to lie on so we’ve brought from home some ,But nonetheless we appreciative for there help but she lays with little pain meds and a broken femur clean break into the groin area and we substitute pain meds with Dr advice from our pockets until then she awaits surgery which could be two weeks still ahead “Just crazy”
So naturally I was exhausted last night our boys first day at college went well hooray I also had an interview at 4pm yesterday ill know tomorrow but I still had a house to tidy at 7pm for a property inspection and fell into bed at 8.30 EXCHAUSTED only to wake gasping for air every few hours so guess im now even more beyond sanity.
There’s a need to say what I’m feeling what’s happening but there’s of much ,instead of praying and asking god for his hand in all these things happening which would seem much easier “Dare I say I cant even find myself in his presence ” IM ANGRY
Theres stuff happening with our older gay son ..I wanna cry WHY..we love you yet words seem endless. ..his system is fighting against all odds and it’s hard to be near to watch. . when you dont want us near!
Tomorrow is our youngest birthday his 15 and Wednesday our oldest is 21 but with every reminder of births I suffer amense anxiety of my rapes. …
This is my last week of work too but the hardest in reminders of my pain!
So my contract will finish finally the 21st January, there’s no point in me explaining why I don’t maybe want a permanent position. .which I thought this was ,but glad that I’ll be able to be flexible here after. .this week the psychologist says she not only leaving but it will be months before I’m picked up for therapy and my psychiatrist won’t be seeing me Jan in spite of a appointment been sent out ..so iv taken into feeling rejection all once again.
My meds still hasn’t kicked in and each day I battle something or similar from previous days ,but mostly ANGER is massive I’m having to apologize constantly with my family now not believing me at all it spills over so rapid I wonder in fear why..but with nightmares so constant I’m sure it’s related to my abusers. My old psychologist from palmerston north is leaving and my old key worker mentioned it ,it continues to plague my brain in sorry mode, but would I have more angry if I stayed to finish trauma work with her not knowing the future. ..I then have to admit I’m happy not deal with that disappointment.
I’m exceptional tired and weary and yesterday I found myself praying to move on gently as i approached work,even after lunch tears just flowed. .so to think were to next is too much for me to comprehend sorry for been so vague my brain continues to malfunction!
There’s a Blind side to my pain that arising and its very overwhelming like there’s so much at present im battling my brain seems to take it in differently .This week my boss informed me my contract comes to an end 28 January I questioned it what it meant and at present till there numbers are at 50 overall in the centre I would be coming back mmmma big sense of relief as my boy has been sick and is still battling im now on another path of feeling without meds and its challenging ,however im grateful for the opportunity of going back to teaching and have empathy for those littlies battling with transion themselves ,its been great sharing love in a tender way. My younger boy received his report at school Thursday and he has frontal lobe damage and this year third term we moved to a new city and school he had played a big part in looking out for me during our alone time well hubby started work in Auckland and there after hubbies accident he helped heaps with the move and then his new school what was I expecting he was sick in hospital all as exams started for his year 10 ,Yet I prevailed to yell and get incredibly angry when he showed me his report ,telling him off for no effort or determination! HOW DARE I …Friday it plagued me ,the pain I was inflicting on a child my child that had gone through all we had this year ,I came home apologized and chatted around how actually in hind site the school had taken nothing into account of his intellectual disability or his dyslexia -but next year his moving to a practical setting which he cant wait he was recently excepted at MIT “MAKAU INSTISTUTE OF TECHNOLOGY “to study boat building his passion.Hubby arrived home to BBQ and climb into he spa I wasn’t feeling great but after much I climbed in for an hour or so climbing out and feeling YUK I showered and tried getting to grips what was going on hubby wasn’t to perturbed about my job ,something new will arise we spoke about nick and his school hubby agreed he had been through heaps next year would change for him academically, so what was it then ???I started crying frantically until it hit me when I gave up fighting My old key worker Michelle and I are still friends and last week in a chat she mentioned my psychologist Marlize is leaving and going private and to email her ,crazy I felt after receiving an email from her the loss was all so great again And I don’t understand my feelings !!! Crying has been huge so off I went and took meds ,this cant be it knocked me out only to be woken with hubby cuddling me and a strong need for sexual touch all in half a sleep the passion was immense. Then falling asleep I dreamt I was been raped by a family member actually on hubbies side of the family I watched as he groped and entered me all from a distance I enjoyed something sickening .Wakening to a feeling of been sick I dragged my body around only wanting to cry more and rage ,hubbys away fishing in a competition so I pushed to clean and hang washing well my son cleaned up hubbys boxes from our move months ago in the garage.
Ifinally crashed to watch touched by an angel ,were there the angel was telling the woman she was raped because god gave free will to his people he didn’t send them to do these things,And wow I crying in anger and pain again fuck these people I don’t know to make me any stronger but im battling each and every day but trying God to forgive ! Then next came some post well hubby was unemployed last year this time iv been battling to catch up on debt only to told im in default now ,im trying to breath but anxiety is certainly full on waiting for a panic attack.
I’m so Angry it’s there full on it burst out when I least expect it i just raged at my boy about a simple thing he was talking about I can’t explain it it’s like it just merges from deep in me ,wanted to throw the glass it wasn’t till he walked away I calmed down ,I’m exhausted from pure anxiety growing in me ..some pieces are fitting my illness I’m scared to say or deal with now!