Tag Archives: anger

Uncertainty and fear

The weeks are relentlessly painful in terms of guessing who will stay by my side …people or humans are strange we either don’t verbalize we leaving or we do it screaming guns and roses. ..iv had ups and downs concentration been a bummer and then anxiety and a plus sex a must to reduce anxiety wow how lucky hubby thinks he is strangely it’s something iv always hated and still do 😨how could I explain other than visions been to awful of the past and yet an mixture of liking the feeling as it seems nice ..oddly all child like ,but for me truly it reduces my anxiety hugely at present IT’S A MUST !

Last week I started getting sick with the flu and iv manage slowly through it as i only work 1 to 2 hours a day now honestly I can’t manage longer as anxiety grows and almost kills me..but this week I’m doing 4 hours a day moving from client to client and I fall in the door crying anxiety extremely high till the night falls and I shower eat and go off to our warm bed, sleeping is hard as I feel my heart pounding away so sex it is to reduce my anxiety and I briefly fall asleep exhausted for 3 hours and then I’m hyperactive I’m very wide awake ready for the day so I close the door between rooms and get busy. …
This week tomorrow I meet becs at therapy and I’m worried? ??
My theory of no meds comes and goes around why I’m doing it but I’m always back to the same point iv got to fight for me to survive. .they don’t understand me i don’t want them to see that weak poor me ….that feels like she’s been present at therapy for a few sessions.
My feelings are they always wanna pull me down. .I have wrap program too tomorrow and iv decided fuck them I’m not lying about not taking meds they need to know some people or most I’m sure could survive without meds if really great support is there ,either they except me or PISS OFF …
My husband has decided the first decline in my mental health and his gone this time his done it long enough, shame I am only trying to be true to me and so I’m trying hard ..FUCKING TRUE TO ME!! DO U KNOW I WAKE EVERY MORNING STILL WISHING IT WILL CHANGE MY PAST..NO U DON’T HEY đŸ˜„
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Anger with medicine

I’m at war at present. ..it sucks I stopped meds on the anniversary of my trauma I wanna be ok ,why the hell do I need meds for something that was never my fault! :'(They say I need it for chemical in balance in my brain but the war is so strong I can’t except it ..ya just in February I ended in hospital and respite for three weeks due to server highs and low …now I’ve just stopped sleeping yesterday I’m hyperactive I can’t relax and to crown it all every one is against me “take meds or we leaving in all this is my family and my therapist!
Today’s war with Becs the therapist  goes like this..

Well its ur choice to stop ..but I’m sad as ur day to day experience will become worse,I don’t understand y u ceased to stop as u likely to deteriorate badly. .

My reply I just wanna be normal I’m sick of taking meds to help I can try ..I don’t wanna be like my mother an addict and I wanna be NORMAL! !
I JUST WANTED MY FAMILY TO SUPPORT ME DOING THIS WITH OUT MEDS…
Becs reply …then prove u ok to us all..go well bec

I’m trying to make others see my logic  is so incredibly hard everyone of my support wanna run😤
What the hell ????

Part 3 of inbedded memories sexual violence and addiction

So well we whisked to dads to live and subjected to his brutality of been hit across the head many times in a day when we never answered his questions how he thought the answer should be our pain and resentment grew bigger for hating our only family .

At this stage my sister was out of home I think waiting to get married in the next few months coming ,but dad brought her to into this except she was quite forceful in her conversations with him ,but never felt like we were been protected by her either,though who knows maybe she thought she was been protective? So well living there I often had fights with my step mom who strangely I liked she was much younger than my dad except in her frustration she would put me through brutality over mom and our clothes how they never matched up to dads expectations, they were in all honesty old tattered and torn we were like street children!

In this time mom was again in rehab and dad had began to through her finances , health records and pharmacy accounts and Dr visits notify all of her fraudulent activity….Ya you guess correct mom came home from rehab got a new place cheaper to rent only to find out all this that dad had done well the words flew like eagles of the skies dad started making us walk to the train station together meaning me and my brothers and without fail each morning he would be there watching standing on the platform to see us climb on STRANGE who makes there kids walk 15min to a station and then they there??? But it wasn’t hard to fathom out why he was going to take us for good from mom and I had heard many stories at night and during the day to his lawyer around custody rights and our well being ,ya we would have had food ,clothes and money and a permanent roof over our head ,but still no love or trust ..WE WERE STILL BROKEN KIDS! During the day after school we often were dropped at my aunt his sister the cousin that sexually abused me daily ,though now living further apart before dad stepping in things were at a minimal of only holiday sexual brutality ,dad was quite well off owning three of his own business so often my cousins were invited with and id be subjected to his sexual needs..but with now dad having us it felt like it was daily again and some how I didn’t protest anymore I was at his service as gross as it sounds his wishes I did as told=always still that piece internally saying if dad new he would kill me and at 15 still believed it.

At this stage my step mom and dad were only engaged and I guess she was young had no kids and the daunting thoughts of these kids coming into a new marriage was extremely hard..So around this dad began to talk to me about boarding school I cried said no put up fights I was incredibly home sick kid and was feeling the effects of this life big time ,and so was released back into moms care, the boys remained with dad for a while longer. It wasn’t long and we were altogether again the boys come a few weeks later all seemed ok,and then mom started been drugged out of her mind again sleeping ll hour of day never there driving under the influence ,this particular day my older brother now probably 10 I think got into a fight with mom and kicked her in the breast full on mom slapped him and days went on as we used to until it was down hill ,mom was at my grandmothers when she found a lump in her breast I was there I remember thinking DRAMA QUEEN my grandmother mad her make an appointment were the Dr drew fluid off the breast sent it away…In between this the crazy uncle moms brother was in the bathroom supposedly having anxiety attack but needing his two years help I just remember her screaming and him saying its ok darling [Fuck …he was sexually abusing her too] The next day I arrived home from school we went to my aunty moms sister when the Dr called mom was scheduled for a mastectomy cancer was present.

So again the boys went to my dad and I luckily got out of it and stayed at my sister mom had a full breast removed and all her glands pretty scary now at the thought ! A few days later I was sent home with mom to care for her my uncle been the driver for Dr visits etc .That night of moms first night home was my ending to my sexual abuse except I didn’t know it yet ….mom layed zonked out of her mind on painkillers that night me in my room sleeping I was woken with a large 8foot man on my back ,i tried pushing him off but nothing budged him I became aware it was my uncle  ,he grabbed hold of my hair well I fought and with another hand held his hand over my mouth well he penetrated me anally kissing my neck I wasn’t gonna give up this fight…..

DAY 2 OF MY NEW MEDS INCREASE

Last night was day two of increase in meds sleep never came easy its penalizing me more the meds than helping with sleep ..I woke briefly from a dream he was there trying to keep me from my family well walking he was in-between threating me if I tell ill suffer I was petrified even when I opened my eyes to see our room I couldn’t move still. Now this afternoon my key worker rang not hearing a word how meds makes me feel and shutting me down ..until I said Angela it doesn’t matter what meds my mom was addicted to hear me im petrified ,as a response all I got was mmm ill tell the Dr again.

My reality verses Anger

Let me tell you in short never let anger drive you !!
On Tuesday I was so mad with my dr and his advice and then my boss to add to it gets hours of mine wrong texting me while I’m working in the garden were the hell are you? You promised yesterday to work today lol I forwarded her own message from the day before asking me to work Wednesday not Tuesday. .
Anyhow now highly annoyed I was mowing the lawns before our next down pour and in the process I step straight into our lovely puppies whole they dug ..NICE LOL now picture this three dogs on top of me a foot throbing and my arm I broke few years back really paining and server ANGER
dropp it it’s not worth it i now see.
I had to get my self back into the house three dogs hold them at bay well two puppies thought let’s play and my big boy let them know she’ll kill us get lost now lol so on my bottom I shuffled into our house waiting for our teenager to arive home and get myself down stairs again on my bottom and off to a dr..now on crutches tendons crushed. .
MY OBSERVATION. .LET ANGER GO !!