Dealing with Distress Group

So two weeks ago I started this group work ,called dealing with distress  however iv told you about my first session and my week of hell this is were im at now —

Is this possible I ask myself without even being able to answer It myself, crazy as it sounds –YESTERDAY = A fabulous day

Dissociation  was far from me I noticed so much driving to group that actually at some point I thought I was lost lol this is so true -excited to get started I shared my crap week or a week of hell were others so could relate to my ups and downs which of course in its own makes a difference never questioned my craziness .Another ASPECT =yesterday me staying with my feelings which to contributed to a good feeling of being in control my brain was been very co operative=HOORAY as this seldom happens for me!

 

After Group this lady walked out chatting to me and a guy from group joined in from behind, the lady left and we continued to chat and said goodbye as I reached my car and climbed in I felt oozy,drained and nausea and as I sat in the warmth of my car accepting there’s a trigger, my brain partially recaptured the sexual abuse the smell of deodorant the smell of sperm and feeling emotions   I actually started to cry but also became still and no vomiting accured  ,with great excitement I write telling you all this as my battle has been for a long time projectile vomiting at smells ,noises and even people=incredible ,stress resentment and hatred to myself always questioning, when next .

But today presents a question in its own , as I have not slept now for 28 hours ,what is happening usually no sleep =down ward spiral fast could yesterdays so awake brain be a distant memory fast ?I don’t wont to loose yesterday ,but im incredibly wide awake I walked patches at 6;30 on the beach did breakfast and then walked him again ,cleaned the house did the washing ,took a warm shower and yet still im  incredibly high…..im scared but so hanging onto yesterdays feeling of really living!!

Triggers

I’m not sure what’s all brought this about but last night the feeling to hurt my boy was massive I managed to get past the feeling ,there was lots of noises around until midnight we live on a flight path and it’s horrible for me .. iv had pieces in the past of being triggered feeling  I’m hurting others sexually but iv never done this ..it’s a fight mentally that comes on !!
It leaves me devastated and scared. ..
And this morning I had my first visit with my key worker ..
Does this mean more trauma feelings a rising? ?

Unexpected changes part 1

Its been a while since I last read or posted the server changes of my life is having on us! While the move is over it happened last Thursday I now experiencing the adverse effects of the stress…have you heard that physical work reduces stress well I know its true as iv experienced it two years back I had someone walk along side me at a fitness program GREEN PRESCRIPTION you might know it not only did I loose weight but my whole attitude changed as well as feeling of myself. So well the move had my younger son and I work hard it was great that physical adrenaline .

One week before the  move hubby came  home to do his garage stuff we had spoken I think twice that day or three times he was heading to the new house to drop our caravan and then heading home to Palmerston our conversation went about not hurrying home today his tired sleep and head home Friday ,but he was persistent he was ok and he would take it easy at 8;23 we spoke and I was in bed exhausted  and also feeling a little selfish as remember thing please don’t ring non stop I just want to sleep but exactly two hours later I was woken with my phone vibrating under the pillow all day I had a sense of some thing going to happen in me ….the number was my husbands so I answered to hear hubby shaken up but firm instructions don’t worry just listen to me …was he hijacked did our car breakdown but instead after guessing said he was in an accident h my word are you ok im fine …but then he starts talking  fast very fast about a ride with someone and a bus tomorrow thank the lord at that moment I said give me a few moments I need to think ,it was then I organized our ute to be towed in and woke a friend of ours who didn’t hesitate to fetch hubby ..a few times I spoke with the family who put my husband up and took care of his head ,all the while I was told his lucky to be alive ….his lost control on black ice and he hit the curve flew into the air and rolled numerous time how on earth alone he managed to climb out I don’t know  that, as his top of the ute is completely crushed only a little piece his side was open  were he climbed out. Hubby arrived home at 5;30 Friday morning white shaking and exhausted repeating how much he loved us .

He saw a doctor had scans and praised god for nothing to be wrong other than server bruising our oldest was incredibly worried about dad as us funny things continued to happen out of the blue were he would decide to do stuff they wasn’t fitting that time of night or day but all seems to have settled now  ,the move continued the following Wednesday and I did really well or we all did including patches we slept the night in Taurangi warm baths and left 4 am next day for last stretch arriving just in time with removal truck.

Extremely anxious

I’m not sure what brings it on ..life events, changes,stress or Wanting my husband ?
My body aches in pain that places don’t understand why. .I’m feeling vulnerable incredibly!
I’m on acc from a foot accident but being off work leaves uncertainty in all aspects _I need a job near my husband before I can move ,we can’t efford for me not to work ..but even with us both working bills pile as we pay two rents ,so what do we do it’s been nearly 4 months and I’m trying to have faith..I need him as i try ignore the anxiety of been vulnerable in places I hate!!

Dear May month Please pass quickly !!

ITS HURTING AGAIN !

Its the  month of may I loth self worthlessness  arises !

I try claw my way out , but my all still peeks if its safe to come out

I resist it

fighting with all my  being

tired or not ,

I refuse to feel its pain

it never fails to be different

how could I be changed for life ?

I was groomed from age 3 by him,

a thought that prevails is sickening

in just a short piece of night I would never be virgin again

I never asked for it …

but instead it was presented to me

a gift on my 10th birthday, I remember he called it !

There so many other pieces that arise in me to want to  say ,like how Fxxking dare you , I hate you ….but none will ever match the honesty of saying , I so never wish you suffer the same my dear abuser and I hope you find a better way in life …..

I will continue to fight ,rage my way through the trauma with all it takes ,my new meds continues to slowly add I think some alteration to my moods and sleep. Its not quite felt in a hip hip hooray sense but there’s something different …”

WHAT WHO KNOWS”

As for my Brain I know nothing is changing there and ya its scary for to feel it alone here the voices and try to be normal , I  stay on auto pilot of knowing what’s best for me than listening to my voices….so I thought I might laugh or cry when I read this….

I

 

 

 

 

Protected: How do you handle surprises? Use my contact page to email me, get a password

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Over load

Today has just been another one of those days nothing different except im getting more and more sick!
There’s one thing different though in my two years of trying to recover I’m now asking more and more for help ,in the past I might have retracted from the world. ..ya it’s making me sick my pain depression /ptsd/biopolar  but for once more more I don’t care I’m in recovery process. ….
So as you know hubby has been unemployed for nearly 3 months and finally he gets temp work in new Plymouth about 2 half hours from us ,now today we hear it could continue for another 18 months fantastic we really could do with this but it’s not final! And I’m alone and we can’t afford the traveling back and forth.
This afternoon I walk into our front door with bills rising I’m overwhelmed by exhaustion from work and the endless battle of trying to keep on top I burst out crying one of them was a repossession notice. .when I rang the company it was a mistake this just tipped me over the top..I went off how I don’t need this now !
I rang hubby we spoke trying hard to pretend everything is OK has never served me justice. .Hubby heard in my voice my tears and I broke down he wasn’t worried let things happen as they might well get back up !
Just look after you!

Last night vomiting well washing my own body has returned  (reminds me how much I hate it) yet pretend other wise ….
After my crying and short break before returning to do another sleep over I climbed into a shower and let the pain begin I’m triggered more lately vomiting trembling etc is there!
desperately i aborted the shower ..and rang my support person she was just ok in sitting in it with me ,not trying to rescue the situation but just staying there with me over the phone reassuring me …why does the past pop up all the time why the fuck please tell me?
Her next plan is still waiting to get the psychologist !
And her other is  been around for me to avoid crises before I crash.

Iv taken on sleep over well hubby’s away three this week one after another our young boy is at neighbors tonight I hate it i want to be a proper mom be there but I need the work to and I’m acting like I’m okay it’s just a act…
.

Today’s therapy

So today was the first session back at

after a month or so. ..
Was I expecting to much from myself or what did I expect?
Firstly I went twice to her rooms and both times she wasn’t there anxiety immediately built up !

I’d planned to be honest up front getting to the point quickly …so I began or she did by saying she’d missed me how was it going?
Something already felt like ,  don’t talk crap to me or something wasn’t sincere!
Anyhow I chose to dismiss it and carry on i began to tell her of my latest new pieces from realizing my abuse started at a much younger age I think 3 or 4  this was traumatizing me terribly because certain sensation or feelings were now coming to the surface that i was feeling like the perpetrator!
I was remembering him kissing my little body and then he would take my bottle away and make me kiss his body to and when I started to cry he’d hand my bottle back.
She listened and asked if I was wanting a explanation or for her to just listen …ya I wanted the explanation give it to me ….she thought that the possibility was big it started earlier. .as for feelings and sensations they related to to what happened and staying with them would mean them leaving faster. ..hell you gotta be joking I start quivering and get up to hide behind  my chair ..Lisa what’s happening I hate hate it i can’t don’t you get what I feel like ?

Come sit down let’s talk ..I can’t. .it takes minutes, then I’m freezing and it’s summer here 27•degrees. ..
I start crying I feel gross why ,the feelings but it’s ok nothing is happening and you’ve done nothing wrong either …I know, i know that but she doesn’t get it …you been very shallow lisa do you wanna explain more or leave it? ..I feel angry  I’m mad at myself why can’t I talk more ….
I wonder for the moment why I’m so scared. ..she reminds me so of my father and I’m realizing this isnt again working why do I find it so difficult to leave …what do I need from her…
Or is it just the past that I haven’t really delt with the times my dad so easily brushed me off blamed me ..the day I went to a children’s home I was alone!

And hell I feel so alone now to..even with her explanation of me working with adults who are intellectually 3 years old because of brain injury I’m relating and feeling this because of it all combined …

I really don’t know but I’m alone. .

Aftermaths

Yesterday was exchausting after been awake since early and going off to get a trailer with one of his friends there was something wrong with the electrical on her car grrrr after two garages and four cables I decided it was time to ask my husband’s expert advice. ..
(Of short the reason he wasn’t helping was a fight that happened earlier this week resulting in extreme unpleasant comments been said between my son and husband )
So I arrive home tell him of the problem and that it looks like we might need to use his ute  he agrees and I find my self saying thank God. …but just before that he says let me take look at her car…within minutes it’s fixed his great at things like this!
At grays farewell last night the girls offerd to move him I ran it past him he was a little reluctant mom I think i want you with..ok I said just wanted to check. .little later into the evening I tell my husband of the girls plan he reckons it’s great it’ll be more fun than an emotional mom with.
So we talk all openly later and he says yes to it .

Getting back to fetching a trailer we arrive home I’m emotional and so his brother begins helping and playing father to his big brother, my husband comes down gives the girls a talk about safety driving with a trailer they ok he helps protect the bed with a canvas for rain as its raining into wellington, all are much excited nervous and lots of laughter. ..he kisses his dogs bye and we hug and he whispers I can’t cry now we laugh as I’m crying lol

Dad just says bye and walks straight upstairs his emotional more than still cross his boet shakes hands and they off.
Iv packed lunch for a stop over and they ring they are all good!

We exchange a few more calls including the guy his living with and he insures us all is finished and went well. ..
At home after him leaving I shower crying my eyes out and get dressed and climb into bed in between the phone call on off I’m woken. ..I’m drained my body is battling and I’m off this weekend because of the move. .I wake we walk the dogs I eat dinner and I’m sick with abdominal pain I lay paralyzed with it after meds I woken at 1 am my hubby hears me getting more meds he asks if I’m ok mmm I say and fall back asleep till 9 am this  morning!

Iv taken it easy but I feel now like I’m ready to have a heart attack with chest pain,and I know what’s brought this on to grrr .I’m trying to distract myself 
Iv scrubbed and clean again today and hubby was mad he doesn’t see my logic in avoidance. .I do though!

My body has well and truly had its fair share I just wanna cry cry …there’s so much going through my mind it’s therapy with the psychotherapist tomorrow I’m scared because of my new found bits and telling her will it be just brushed off like you got through it or will she see how much it’s traumatizing me or make an effort?  These sessions are monthly now. .and harry the psychologist Tuesday his amazing soft gentle with my key worker but all is again overwhelming my heart pounds.

Tears in rough seas

The sea Is rolling in fast furiously only because my day has been filled with triggers and full on feelings i despise accompanied by exhaustion!
But now  my old psychologist has returned my call ..soft and gently he reassures me we will get through this together. .(I’m overwhelmed )
He asks about my stress levels and we talk about the cycle. .what happens. .he assures me it will settle but we need to talk it’s important. …with tears rolling down my face I tell him I wasn’t expecting him to call back. ..he tells me that him and my key worker catch up regular on other clients and she almost always mentions my progress or other and I can’t believe he has time for me or even making time…
So next Tuesday we meeting at 2pm together with my key worker ,thank you lord.

I’m extremely exhausted and wish now we could be talking I need to talk now it’s hard surpressing it ,it won’t leave …   but I’m greatful that it’s him and not the new psychologist. …
What will it feel like? I’m scared honestly !