It’s a strange Kind of Feeling I just feel sad lonely and like I don’t want to exist I spent days cutting now and Johnny and can are back and the angry teenager I feel like everybody is going to walk out the door.
Last week kate left I was angry man one she couldn’t have picked a worse time another is she has known for weeks she leaving, it’s hard when you expected to trust somebody and the up and leave,now kate wasn’t my therapist she was my key worker doing therapy work with me and though it’s only been a few months it’s hard, guess what I’m not saying is it’s that time of the year again all of the stuff is very raw.
Honestly her offering me a new therapist and running after me to talk my brain doesn’t want to be there so I swore at her to f*** off it’s a point that I actually wonder is she stupid or does she just not read my notes that you would not know why I am experiencing this.
Yesterday I had the same thought about g she’s my homeopathy and for a while now I’ve been working on remedies for my voices and sleep deprivation it sometimes it’s a success other times it’s a no hit…
Yesterday she sent me an email sand she would never leave no never for me is a very strong word but further on in her email what you’re saying is she wouldn’t be here today and gone tomorrow like kate did to me, and a soft and gentleness she wishes I just accept she forever reminds me this is not my fault and I can’t blame myself for the abuse the dysfunctional family upbringing, but it hurts so bad I still just want to make it right I want to be held but wanna run it always feels so unfamiliar
I’ve recent weeks I’ve been going to therapy trying hard falling down picking myself up, I had a psychiatrist appointment that never went so well I ended up walking out and spending some time in the bathroom wanting to vomit G came to rescue me, in between me and her we decided that home was a better place..
My second attempt at the psychiatrist appointment was better she’s spoke mostly about how high my adrenal levels and cortisol levels are, and that’s by the stage I have no choice other than to take up a form of physical exercise like boxing , I was sent away with a sleeping tablet my past experience of this Tablet zopliclone oh is horrible.
What next transpired I could never imagine to have done, I left and went straight to gym now I know from past experience when I was at my welliest I was going to the gym 3 times a day so I know it works, however I walked into this gym see this woman sitting behind the counter and make headway to her and in one sentence blurt out what I’m looking for , boxing classes laugh out loud but funny she never laughed, she was
Incredibly helpful so what transpired the next few minutes probably half an hour was a strange kind of friendship with someone that I’ve never met and openly I explained I had PTSD.
In short the last couple of weeks I’ve been up some Downs the voices have been back, I’ve missed gym twice but through the entire experience I’ve kept going sometimes now we’re not back I’m pushing through Massive pieces that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had other horrible pieces that I wanted to self harm , hitting my head into wall but instead this time around I’ve had the thoughts but nothing has transpired.
It’s been a few triggers!
Nick hasn’t been well but eventually I got him to see the homeopathy. And he’s doing well now.
Next trigger that is playing a part the 16th of May it’s around the corner this is the worst day of my life and I cannot just feel how I’m going to get through it and in all honesty I think it’s been a massive part in my head yesterday the feeling of wanting to end dislike was big but instead I got through it, but again only with avoidance.
I wish jeanique was around last year was the first year it’s was different now I have a lot of new people around me that might not get anxious feeling makes me!
Of recent I’m not posting my struggles but I’m trying but really feels in vain..but I keep trying.. On Tuesday I venture to psychiatrist appointment as most know it’s been few years since off meds however I’m told I can’t continue therapy with out meds ..G will be there and my key worker but I really can’t feel if I’ll be co operative just because it’s what they want,that’s not fair to keep someone from therapy because of meds.😭
There’s more to post however I’m feeling like keeping it to myself
my mom is a drug addict addicted to all and every pain medication there is …But she’s been free for few years
But recently I detected her slurry voice and when I mentioned it my sister told me nonsense you exaggerate…
Tonight she rang to apologize mom is bad
After years of her hating neglecting and abuse it still hurts like fucking she’ll be my mom there for me to hold love like a mom should..why do I expect it? she allowed the rapes and abuse why would it change
BUT I WANT A MOM fuck you mom
So it comes out on me
I feel crippled exhausted hatred anger
I just wanna be held told I love you
But guess it never will.
Johnny and Can are around my alters but can has taken to asking many questions usually she never talks Johnny does all that but she’s full on..in my midst of separation again.