I very out of sorts and just so low in mood I’m actually not sure why I’m writing even :'(gues I’m hoping in strange way I’ll better be able to articulate my feelings …it’s been rough journey Sharing every up and down my inner most feelings my family drama and my family achievements they incredibly precious I love them dearly ..I guess in its self iv shared it with the world and made some precious friends along the way “remember I love u guys ” never stop doing what you do best you’ve already made a difference in the world by sharing your story showing others they not alone GOOD ON YOU !
Today was therapy nothing really changed until Hannes mentioned I’d said I wanna stop fighting my emotions 😂 iv never cried so much as today as brought me to my knees for so many reasons. .. guess some were im aware of my emotions and just wanting my family around me ,actually last night I never slept I sat and prayed for my husband and boys and cried..
A Mental health peer support lady rang this morning asking me to join a small group of ladies for coffee, I was reluctant if anything as inside I wanna be alone but she gently persuaded me in her caring way so much so i wanted to cry its enough my younger boy will be home later so no alone time ,his not my problem I love him..anyway since the call iv changed my mind. ..i guess I’ll see how it goes been with a group of ladies,I’m feeling underneath odd “home does sound inviting more “!
I wanna Sink in a river at dawn
Lord make me a rainbow,
To shine over my family ..
life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, sharp knife of a short life,
I hope I have enough time to say words to my precious family and friends I’ll make it enough time I promise ….
I wanna let them feel my love and hope for them …not fear any pain
As for today I wish I’d be singing sunshine on my shoulders makes me smile. .except it’s grey days makes me gaunt and Drury voices seems so close but yet so far and noisy ..
As I pick myself up I’ll try and show you my love and appreciation for just knowing u ..I’d wish to have a cuppa and chat but maybe it’ll still happen in days to come 😉
I continue to suffer low mood and running out of meds never helped as I got the most violent headache from no eppilum I’m suffering ! Hannes did the testing and I felt left out that we never got to talking about my thoughts of suicide and extreme tiredness ,instead he persued his cognitive testing only to tell me honestly I lack concentration badly and it’s due to my mental health what’s new it’s my life 😥 tears welled up and I was frustrated we couldn’t talk and as I was walking out I remembered meds so he organized a week only .I gues Tuesdays psychiatrist appointment I’ll need a list.. no blister packs organized and iv gained 7kg my body hates the extra weight and I’m down exhausted and overwhelmed. .will there be another meds to try with same effects of good qualities?
My husband in Napier at an Interview another contributing factor more change as if this last year since last year July hasn’t brought enough change yuk I hate all changes my mind explodes and last night I was there uptight crying tired and so down ,killing myself seemed better again I felt to wonder off and just do it😩😠 hoping never to found. .then later when I couldn’t pull myself out he started that his over my low mood and if divorce is the answer to get away from it then do be it grr I had to pray and keep busy as I wanted to lash out badly, later he came to ask what’s going on its more changes and frustration I blurted out that seemed some what to help we then cuddled on the sofa me crying and him I wondered what next?
Well iv spent most of another day crying and sleeping and hubby’s plane was canceled thanks” jet star “maybe tonight if it’s not booked out or tomorrow he’ll be home ,another tiring weekend for him.
Well we don’t know if the big move is final till next week I worry about my son and his course studies for next year at mit lucky Napier has an equavelent but it’s still the whole process and me ,well job search will begin again how this looks and feels is just dawn ting and depressing. ..my anger feels at myself why I allow more change when I don’t cope ..dying feels good 😤:'(
I’m crying and just feel so alone. .I’m still battling voices I see Hannes in an hour it doesn’t matter it’s me that needs to deal with what’s going on.
My son wants to make amends that’s great, mom is emailing her anxiety about moving to frail care and putting her cat down I’m trying to encourage her baby steps but I’m triggered like hell with her..and hubby is persue in another job in Napier to move out auckland.
It’s all to much I can’t I’m trying hard to avoid my desire to self harm and I’ve made this week that’s all,but I’m not managing my voices they rambling on what a fuck up I am..every thing is hard to concentrate!
My friends have arrived back ,they rambling on why I need to remember past stuff but I push them away. .fuck knows they walk my journey for years along side me playing day and night with me as grew up in my younger years. .now they talk I know it’s them more so when stress gets me there rambling confuse me more and they won’t stop 😥
I’m scared I’m confused I can’t talk about them …i don’t wanna know them!!!
I need Hannes now😤 but Thursday is testing no therapy