Changes agrivating my ptsd

Anxiety my close friend I thought iv known how u effect me but on a regular basis you amaze me to show me up …
In straight I hate you!
Joy turns into pounding floating brain
Love i disassociate from

We moving and instead of happiness I have bad chest pain…
it ticks all our boxes rural but public transport available
Bigger living area
closed back yard not to big but just great for our hunter way
Double garage
Shopping centers and libraries
All of the above we don’t have in this lovely town we currently stay
I’m temp teaching and tomorrow orientation at another organization for temp work all added stress!

My therapist txt saying Thursday at 11 we can meet I’m exstatic😆 her been away last week left feelings of been abandon and I wanted to cry hearing her say I’m back i haven’t left you and won’t ok…does that cause more anxiety hell ya but instead I know it shouldn’t!

All is causing pain

life’s ups and inspirations well trying to pull through

Its been a while once again ,and as almost always we’ve been thrown around up /down ,inspired, and also let down greatly …..We now definitely moving to Auckland and my anxiety by the word DEFINITLY IS RAISED GREATLY !! I almost feel as though im moving countries once again with new found friend colleagues wanting to catch up say goodbye do dinner, drinks and coffees ……but every thing in me resists all that –

Last week in therapy my therapist M decided to stop EMDR and just focus on the move it was hard I swore I wasn’t going to another city ,yet she had thought worse off that id rather tell hubby it was the end and break our marriage up ..NO that’s not me right now im petrified more of another huge move iv never flown again after the big fight from SA to NZ and I get horribly sick on long drives in NZ even if im sedated I take days of recovery so my options are few other than to slowly drive myself there …??? Im really at a point of determination in one aspect iv mapped schools out for our teenager and applied for millions of houses only to be let down ,not excepted ,to late ..or the agents cancel there viewing ..it seems house hunting is more stressful than packing up well I recover from a foot injury and a very bad flu that’s had me in out of bed between physio and doctors and OT visits!!

However I woke this morning from dreaded nightmares and a feeling I so hate that exhibits my up bringing of suicide attempts …and as iv fought through the day ..night is here and im envisaging knifes  in my mind trying hard once again to understand why with some hope –there’s terror involved to this point of not wanting to live again?