Easter at Hunua falls

Hubby thought to keep me busy from my worries about work and off we headed for hunua falls it’s gorgeous the hike is 2 hours I made it half way very intense walk up hill!

After returning we sat at the base of the falls  having lunch few were swimming and we ran over our mind how the kid just last week 17 years old  drowned very sad…later we left late afternoon after a full day there i was exhausted we all were!

Then just this morning watching breakfast show they say a 13 year old  drowned yesterday at hunua falls  his uncle tried pulling him up but was unsuccessful late last night after the hawk helicopter and others divers  tried his body was recovered at 10.30 pm…

Very sad please pray for his family!

Feeling unworthy

With all going on this week ,I’d also three weeks ago started a new job..were I’d signed a contract for 16 to 32 hours a week  because I knew I was recovering from my loss of sleep and being unwell for so long …anyway in my second week I noticed that i was been rostered on for 40 or 50 hours a week, when I approached my boss she said just to tell her when and were and she won’t be offended  and later the hours would settle, further more I mentioned I’d need time off in now week because our boy had assessment and my husband an operation the following day and then it was his birthday “not forgetting I do shift work with no permanent days they deciding when and we’re to put me so I gave her days I wouldn’t mind working!

Wednesday she rang to talk about the form she asked I’d put In for days saying they don’t work like that, I challenged her saying she had said this stuff to me ..how does policy change in few day?
Yesterday our director was at the day base when I asked to talk about a client issues revolving around health she said she would as i turned funny I saw her pushing our other manager quickly out the door and jumping in the car,my suspensions were she trying to avoid me,later another manager called the one I’d spoken with around hours saying I was to be in a meeting at 4 I arrived late due to working with a client but I’d text prior.
There at the table sat all three saying I don’t meet there hours of work and with effect they were ending my contract again I said my piece but nothing was gonna change I wish her luck and she said seen there was a type error on my contract the were giving me two weeks notice, I had wondered earlier why we had extra staff in the house were i was working so I returned Making so much sense why now ,our team leader and myself chatted and with said I question a moment am I to stay until my shift finished  but then she said immediate effect and I said I’d take there car back and leave they said thank you. .my team leader suggested leave don’t call  her.
I drove home feeling worthless😧 how could I support my husband financially were to now at 6.25 my boss rang twice and left a message to call here at 8 ish I saw it i was drained and replied I’d ring in morning. . it’s my second job because the teaching job was only 3 months   temping I’m over  doing this here ,there stuff stability is a key to my well being, iv called this morning my boss and no reply  left a message and until next week who knows were to will I work two weeks in or not only they know! 😠

How I’ll cope I’m not sure last night hubby tried joking ,loving ,kindness, pushing of which all i resisted fuck off leave me! I’m half numb floating around  how to fill a void of anxiety without working is gonna be my do or die😣

⏳Hours loom nearer

It’s 5.45am in Nz time I’m well aware or awake for many hours now my brain going round and round what i will say how I will feel. . iv decided to go ahead make the call make an appointment to meet with Detective? ?
Around my abuse and precedure there to follow what i wasn’t expecting was to meet this early we meeting tomorrow early afternoon 😭:twisted::oall these emotions raging forward as i retrieve  replaying  so much back,
I had surpressed  so much I’m now finding myself over the weekend going holy fuck how will I say this stuff how did I survive?
I’m going tomorrow alone I need my space it’s mine and iv always seen it that way in a funny kind of way I too feel stuck in my own head I wanna be alone not talk ,then oddly I here M my old therapist say “come on girl tell me what’s going on in your head” and I wish I could! But like I said I wanna plod this alone tomorrow I will go with no support and later meet my counselor that i haven’t seen in months Becs we’ll talk things through, well I hope I can find words or even a mouth to talk or will I be stuck in my brain once again screaming to try say something?

The memories of what next?

Breaking point

I’m at a point of wanting to bring my abuser to justice. ..but I’m scared is there anyone else out there that’s accomplished this?
This song represents my fight!!

“Roar”

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sit quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

[Pre-Chorus:]
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

[Pre-Chorus:]
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus:]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’re gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’ll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar…

Ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar, ro-oar

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’re gonna hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
(You’ll hear me roar)
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar! !😠

My new baby

Nikita

Nikita arrived home the same day I came from respite she only 10 weeks old and her and patches slowly are settling better. ..
She’s been a great comfort for me at night when I’m not sleeping 😥
I LOVE MY DEAR ANIMAS GREATLY

Patches

So iv spent my morning loving Nikita and patches they soothe my anxiety even though I’m still going through the motions 😥 I feel a little like iv taken no meds this morning  does this mean  an increase again soon? I’m not sure but I know it’s Saturday and when Home base team arrive I won’t wanna hear there crap again related to meds I just want a solution to sleep but it feels like it’ll be my own journey my own fight to get my health on track up until now nothing is helping ,sometimes odd  extra meds has helped with some more sleep but few days later it’s not helping so I figured it’s not worth  anxiety even though anxiety stays it’s different with meds my FIGHT is still huge iv had to resort to having no contact with mom even though I worry about her,the fact she using drugs effects me to badly ..so iv had to leave her well i fumble through my memories on my own 😩

Awakening brain verses numb brain

The days continue in turmoil for  me some are vacant than others ,but who knows except the real me some where in me ! Its not easy on the very bad days ,guess the easy part im not aware of what crap I produce or answer for that matter…on the days my brain awakens a little to the real me its like Im remorseful ,sorry that its so bad but I have no control that I have certainly come to except its not my choice to be like this ,even years ago with server panic attacks it took years to give it up and say ‘I have no control just to stop these except to except them! Flash backs from my incredibly tiny self arose last night me three and my two make belief friends Johnny and can strangely weirdly comforting they surrounded me in familiar places ..I hadn’t heard from them in years, recently through this unwell journey that tiny piece comes and goes …I call it my awakening brain yet I really remember nothing I often search but can never recall or does it remember something?

Im aware as family tell me how  bad I am its hurtful I cry ,sob they comfort me but it doesn’t change my anger to the disease …things happen around me and the impact is always oddly different it takes a toll on my brain, im tired and sleep little who knows if its only that or if there words mean something different ?”sometimes they do”  often forget what im meant to do or say ,recently I was invited back for a third interview to company I applied a while back for work lol as I filled out paper work I had no clue what IRD stood for I never laughed I excused myself haven  to fetch stuff from the car were my support agent for work was waiting ,tears flooded and I babbled took a few breaths got answers and left luckily well I filled the papers in he never stayed around me….Tuesday I start 12 hour shifts three next week ….Im very scared that I will not survive but fail myself once again sustaining any work since moving has been incredibly hard as iv become sicker !