opening up

Its being a long and hard for me and I guess others in the family too as they watch and try support… I was asked this week as I met up with someone who’s walked in  my journey for some years, what will this year look like ?…..in all honesty I have the feeling to talk more up more than I ever have….there’s this 7 year old who’s tired of being suppressed , undermined and what ever else you’d like to call it….its now my turn to rise !

My emotions are very roar and some point this week Iv felt like it might be an attack rather than voicing my thoughts on how people who let me down and abused me …or is this me just me thinking again I don’t want to  hurt others ,that piece has been a huge obstacle In my recovery….Dammit my life revolved around been abused from being sexually abused to been physically abused ,manipulated put down, taken advantage of and even loosing my family .and  I question whether ill hurt these people  ?Im the one hurting im the one who has triggers ,nightmares, dissociates from my real self, im the one who battles with mental health issues to now …..I want to scream to my abusers on top of voice that I  think each one of you should battle these things ,not me!

Iv asked my support person to make contact for therapy to begin again and by sounds of things its going to happen soon next week, even as I write I know I should feel relief but im heavy and very teary eyed breathing is hard its like its always trying to move through my throat the words echo in my head but no real sound comes out…Its like suffocating on my own! There’s something about suffocating on my own that reminds me of the rape, and never being able to talk even now im never ok after just trying to get some of the stuff out they did to me …actually im fine talking at first then hours later it hits and im brutally taken back, cripple for days as I try crawl out…theres periods I need to talk about this piece but once was enough to crawl and its just to hard to figure out how.

 

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From your heart to mine

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