Been torn apart ,my mom the druggie

my mom is a drug addict addicted to all and every pain medication there is …But she’s been free for few years

But recently I detected her slurry voice and when I mentioned it my sister told me nonsense you exaggerate…

Tonight she rang to apologize mom is bad

After years of her hating neglecting and abuse it still hurts like fucking she’ll be my mom there for me to hold love like a mom should..why do I expect it? she allowed the rapes and abuse why would it change

BUT I WANT A MOM fuck you mom

So it comes out on me

I feel crippled exhausted hatred anger

I just wanna be held told I love you

But guess it never will.

Johnny and Can are around my alters but can has taken to asking many questions usually she never talks Johnny does all that but she’s full my midst of separation again.

like a cold stone i tumble looking to warm myself

Few months back actually end of Nov we moved again due to husbands work,so its meant another disruption to my journey in 3 years of theraphy which is hard in general its crazy hard for me i just dont settle,so my old therapist has just connected me to the best EMDR therapist in NZ she actually knows her well  but problem one she is an hour away and with dissociation she doesn’t recommend travel, two is nearly $200a hour but she is the best but i could only do 1 session a fornight. Its hard traveling this journey trying to connect live a life you love and be ok because im not OK . G my homeopath is very supportive and has trained n lots one of which is Bio energetics last week at a consultation she asked me about a fear of therapy i could almost immediately say it was the room been closed in this small room reminds me of were the abuse took place  felt far away thick i could see my body lying there them doing stuff to me actually i could feel it ,she immediately stoped writing and said you safe im here with you as my body tried to come back i felt the urge to try run ,but i couldnt the sensation moved through my body i started to panic she got up was walking behind me to put her hand on my back ..lovingly she said its ok m here im not going any were as my body began to shack and shack  cried with no control ,G just sat with me,saying let it go . The feeling of being stuck in your own head is hard but its another feeling fragmented and thick and far from reality.

I v started a new job as Team leader and yesterday had lots to say to a colleague  felt horrible but the lack of responsibility taken is poor and i don’t have enough time in a day to follow through there half stuff so our team meeting cant come fast enough,but somehow ill need to be grounded to talk this professionally through.

The weekend was up and great then horribly down it was triggered by something I’m working on between B and myself iv battled sexual contact i so wanna be ok and I’m experiencing more enjoyable little moments but they far between this wasn’t one it was a horrible trigger i couldn’t breathe and couldn’t sleep….i emailed G but she hasn’t replied  she usual replies straight away and so I’m feeling like shes had enough already, but it could also not be true Guess because i feel ok with her she does hear alot of stuff and however i have Kate from M/H I just was given to her i  cant feel ok with her .

Numbness presents challenges i so wanna cut at times like this but healing is a challenge on its own as i cut in places others don’t  and then i have that to battle through days later…At the time of cutting i feel no pain, i have to tell myself its enough roughly a few days later i begin to feel the pain iv caused and then I’m hypervigilant.

Anger and destruction

Its been a hard road for too long yet I still can’t figure a way forward my words hurt brutally those I love, yet if I have to be honest little things around me HURT like hell and explode in anger.Its true I internalize things differently and of late it’s been said to me many times but then it’s not my fault I was literally reconstructed, torn apart, jumped on till I was no longer me at an early age and then miraculously expected to be a grown-up because this body did exactly that …BUT THIS MIND WAS YET TO TELL ANOTHER STORY.

This weekend has been hell yet iv been carried through, I tried all my strategies one was music somehow this song played

They say don’t let them in
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again
But when I’m all alone, they show up on their own
‘Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire
Inner demons don’t play by the rules
They say “Just push them down, just fight them harder
Why would you give up on it so soon?”
So angels, angels please just keep on fighting
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels please, hear my prayer
Life is pain, life’s not fair
So angels please, please stay here
Take the pain, take the fear
They say it won’t be hard, they can’t see the battles in my heart
But when I turn away
The demons seem to stay
‘Cause inner demons don’t play well with angels