Today i woke in a lovely space ,but I had therapy early afternoon and we had decided already last week for me to stay grounded we would do photos of my family, Wow did I realize how manipulative my family was growing up,then slowly Becs adds and asks why and how I was treated growing up, was I a favorite kid Blahhh in my story book given to me by my sister she tells of my make belief friends calling them other names idiot u didn’t even know there names…And dad’s favorite? Ha ha more his object to hit,ANGER HIT …fuck them they never cared how could she not know i was been raped in the room next door? ?How !
Becs,asks about my horror trigger Smells and tastes ..I’m stunned frozen ..actually talking about it is way more embarrassing and trying to stay grounded is hard especially because these pieces happen alot ! Feelings twirl through me I’m very emotional now after therapy ,I’m trying to take care ..
So I’m hoping writing about these smells and tastes will help seen I just couldn’t do it at therapy. .
Well its no secrets what they did me iv written before of the beer bottles been used ,to them taking turns 4 in total and oral sex been forced in many forms often ejaculating in my mouth, body, stomach actually were ever he wanted. . that at age5 I had no idea all that could be done in those positions ..by age 10 I was been raped daily and thank God I wasn’t old enough to fall pregnant and later it was a miracle I wasn’t pregnant ..
So I guess at therapy I asked the million dollar question how do I smell and taste these things?
Answers were my brain has never released these pieces of the trauma and today on an odd way I so badly wanted it now to be released, but I’m gonna continue to pray as i work through therapy slowly to forget about the past and create a brighter future.