It’s hard to feel happy & positive because just achieving one thing is massive but then it always happens that the following day I fall flat….
Last night was rough why? I don’t really know i woke from a dream no real triggers I think, but shortly after waking I was projectile vomiting AGAIN ..
I spoke of this happening each time hubby touched me a while back while I was dealing with intimacy at psychotherapy.
Now & again it’s there I spoke about it Coming along with a new piece beginning of January were i felt like it was my fault. ..and what the hell would it be this time. .Yesterday I was excited I managed two things a call with my son telling him how much I love him and lunch with a friend, both I was anxious but I did it ..BUT EACH TIME AFTER SOMETHING I DO MY BODY APPEARS TO FEEL IT AS A THREAT AND I SUFFER I’M OVER IT….
so today I took my boy to school crawling out of bed nearly at 8 am I battled to feel alive my body screamed as parts wouldn’t Co operate, which In turn makes me scared thinking,& coordination are hard after nights of panic attacks.
After putting the kettle on bread in toaster I realized the resistance in my body to do anything was massive,nonetheless I dropped my younger one off battling to see is another thing happening like you so tired your eyes go blurry, I mentioned it to my boy and he said just take today easy mom please. .I tried until I came around a corner and nearly collected a cyclist fuck how does this happen he regained balance and off he went I thought all was clear and took off slow in front of another car hell were am I ?off with the fairies. ..I stopped outside the hospital by my son’s school and rang my support worker, twice she wasn’t available crying a third I time I tried and she rang back we spoke things through I was having my hair done across the rd but with all happening I wanted to vomit ..
After a few minutes I hang up and went in it wasn’t my usual hairdresser problem one mine was coming some were in between to finish off (won’t get into that) half way into highlights I had a panic attack with bleach on my hair I couldn’t breathe I started ripping things off madly ya they were convinced at this stage I was mad !!
So with 20 min bleach on all had to be removed I was sick again in public (I just don’t know what going on i yelled)
So with very blonde hair now I arrived at work to do sleep over while cooking dinner I was hit once more another challenge on the oven it says front rear ..back right ..my brain just won’t allow me to figure it out ..and I just started crying crying crying uncontrollably as i get scared…and last not least I couldn’t find my home .
I know tomorrow is therapy at 10 am will I make it or find it ??