Utterly exchausting

It’s hard to feel happy & positive because just achieving one thing is massive but then it always happens that the following day I fall flat….
Last night was rough why? I don’t really know i woke from a dream no real triggers I think, but shortly after waking I was projectile vomiting AGAIN ..

I spoke of this happening each time hubby touched me a while back while I was dealing with intimacy at psychotherapy.
Now & again it’s there I spoke about  it Coming  along with a new piece beginning of January were i felt like it was my fault. ..and what the hell would it be this time. .Yesterday I was excited I managed two things a call with my son telling him how much I love him and lunch with a friend, both I was anxious but I did it ..BUT EACH TIME AFTER SOMETHING I DO MY BODY APPEARS TO FEEL IT AS A THREAT AND I SUFFER I’M OVER IT….

so today I took my boy to school crawling out of bed nearly at 8 am I battled to feel alive  my body screamed as parts wouldn’t Co operate, which In turn makes me scared thinking,& coordination are hard after nights of panic attacks.
After putting the kettle on bread in toaster I realized the resistance in my body to do anything was massive,nonetheless I dropped my younger one off battling to see is another thing happening like you so tired your eyes go blurry, I mentioned it to my boy and he said just take today easy mom please. .I tried until I came around a corner and  nearly collected a cyclist fuck how does this happen he regained balance and off he went I thought all was clear and took off slow in front of another car hell were am I ?off with the fairies. ..I stopped  outside the hospital by my son’s school and rang my support worker, twice she wasn’t available crying a third I time I tried and she rang back we spoke things through I was having my hair done across the rd but with all happening I wanted to vomit ..
After a few minutes I hang up and went in it wasn’t my usual hairdresser problem one mine was coming some were in between to finish off (won’t get into that) half way into highlights I had a panic attack with bleach on my hair I couldn’t breathe I started ripping things off madly ya they were convinced at this stage I was mad !!
So with 20 min bleach on all had to be removed I was sick again in public  (I just don’t know what going on i yelled)
So with very blonde hair now I arrived at work to do sleep over while cooking dinner I was hit once more another challenge on the oven it says front rear ..back right ..my brain just won’t allow me to figure it out ..and I just started  crying crying crying uncontrollably as i get scared…and last not least I couldn’t find my home .

I know tomorrow is therapy at 10 am will I make it or find it ??


5 thoughts on “Utterly exchausting”

  1. Lisa.. it’s okay! With each step forward, there are going to be times when you then feel you’re going back… remember I said it will take awhile as you’ve been struggling for years.. BUT…be encouraged and each time you feel triggered or anxious and in a bad way… to refocus your mind on the fact that God will help you… call out to Him and ask for calmness and peace… the peace that only He can give… Focus on how good you felt when you did the things you did yesterday… and KNOW that you can get ‘back in that place’ If you did it once, you can do it again. “NEW BEGINNING”… that’s our prayer. I’ll of course pray now for you.. for that peace!…. “Nothing is impossible with God’
    Do you remember the stories of Jesus when he healed all manners of sickness… and that included those of the mind… Diane


      1. Good news… I know what it’s like to be thinking ‘not clearly’…. as when I have several things on my mind.. that how it feels. ‘A trick I do when that happens… don’t know where I heard it.. maybe I already told you… anyway.. I empty my mind of every negative thought…eg… worry, anxiety, sadness etc…. I visualize those things leaving my mind/head.. Then I purposely put back in my mind good thoughts and feelings such as peace, joy, calmness, contentment.. and I visualize that!… Then I might put on some soft music, or even watch a fun movie… or do something nice for myself or someone else… just some thoughts… Diane


  2. Some days are harder than others. I know the bad days seem to be more and longer. They seem to have more devastating consequences, take more of a toll and leave you more drained. It’s a living hell. Getting up doesn’t seem possible some days, and getting back to bed can’t come soon enough. The fears and anxiety feel like a constant tight band around your chest and head. But sometimes you just have to think, f-ck everyone else! Don’t care what anyone thinks. Just get by as best you can. Survive. It’s all you can do. Because it hurts so badly, but so few can understand. No one knows our struggle. You are living, you are doing it. Hold on xxx


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