Monday rolled around with my new “Nice” pieces jumping in and out of myself,would I have ever courage at therapy to try talk about her nice and her authoritative way mixing together making me feel like just what could happen?
I arrived feeling like screaming but staying in one place my safety net the wall has become my safe haven and boy was it waiting for me ,my unpredictable body could start anything off at any minute even vomit unpredictably. .I was safe my safe haven I gradually begun to sink into it I almost felt like I was behind my couch as a child no one around only me and only me to protect. ..when out the blue I began to feel my abusers opposite me there they were Shaun and the twins and my cousin could he be on me agg …I wanted to vomit, when my therapist said lisa do you just want me to sit and listen or would you like me to talk. ..I couldn’t answer why was it hard feeling NICE ..I wanted to learn how but I can’t let anyone close .
I felt as though i was gonna be punished by abusers if I let her in …fuck reality I’m ok no you not back and forth my body brain tried to figure which way!
I spat out eventually quickly will you please sit on the floor by me ..she said yes I gestured for her to hurry like again someone or something was about to happen, she carefully asked how close just enough I said whatever it meant, then out of the blue they vanished from across me and it was her and me i grabbed a chair as a safe guard just in case and burst out crying sobbing smelling things feeling a need i wanna say to be held but I’m not even sure maybe to be hurt even. ..Pain..emerges”
She leanes forward are you ok you breathing fast. ..as I write I can’t remember anything more and my brain is doing its numbness I think i disociated and it’s driving me mad I wanna cry now
I remember something gentle dare i think it could be true?